We Eat Because We Are Emo, and We are Emo Because We Eat: Vegan BALLZ and Anger Issues

Before we get into the food talk, I have to have a brief rant (actually, two, brief rants):  I’m getting a second cat, and apparently no one in my family supports that decision.  I’m not sure why, considering I’m a more responsible pet owner than anyone else I’ve EVER known.  I’m under the impression that they think that I’m going to become a cat lady or something.  Like, that’s NEVER gonna happen, guys.  First off, I’m far too vain and concerned with outward appearances to ever let myself go (i.e. becoming morbidly obese with bad teeth and wearing purple tracksuits) and/or to walk around smelling like cat piss whilst wearing a sweatshirt that’s embroidered with cats.

Secondly, I would never become a cat hoarder, nor would I ever even consider owning more than two cats, MAX,  at any given time – not even if I had a huge house and a yard and it was an actual possibility.   I don’t think I’ve exhibited any “cat lady” signs that should make them worry that that’s the road I’m headed down either.  My apartment is fucking immaculately clean, I have plenty of friends with whom I socialize with on a weekly basis, and I am in a long-term, stable relationship. Like WTF?  I’ve also been lectured: “what about when you have real kids?  What if your kid is allergic, or you don’t have time for the pets?” To this I say (1) Every other degenerate parent I know that already had pets when they had a baby seemed to make it work, (2) I would probably give away a kid that I’ve only had for two weeks before a pet that I’ve had for 5 years, and (3) my cat is already more high maintenance than a bald baby who sleeps 18 hours a day will ever be, so I’d still have plenty of time to care for him (them).

I am also the best cat-parent I know.  Like, honestly, who else spends two hours a day brushing their cat, pampering him and playing with him – even on the nights I come home dog tired from working late? One of the major reasons I’m getting a second cat is because I want Mr. Peeper to have a friend and playmate to keep him company during the afternoon.  Not that I’m not home EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT and make it a point to stay home when I can on weekends just to be with him.  Most cat owners I know think that because they have cats and not dogs, they can leave their cat(s) unattended for an entire weekend or longer.   I have never left my cat alone for more than a 12-hour stretch and I never would, because I think that’s being a negligent pet owner.   I’m so fired up right now…. You’d think I just told them I’d eloped with a carnie I had known for only 24-hours in Vegas ,or like, quit my job and was moving to Puerto Rico with a circus worker.

It’s also not like I’m having a kid anytime soon (or possibly ever, at this rate), so why not get a second pet?!  Anyhow, this is Simón Pier Tuna… a.k.a TUNA:

Sorry everyone, I have to keep ranting, because it’s MY FOOD blog, and I’ll rant about whatever I want, even if it’s non-food related.

ANOTHER RANT (*VERY WOMANLY RANT AHEAD* – You’ve been warned if you’re a guy):

I love being a woman, mainly because I like wearing makeup and heels without judgment, and also because I can’t imagine myself being a man.  Despite all of the advantages of being a woman (who am I kidding – WHAT advantages? Discrimination in the workplace? The expectation that you’ll handle all of the domestic duties on top of full-time work? LOL), there are also many disadvantages. There are times when being a woman sucks. Also, the state of healthcare and coverage in this country sucks hard on any-given-day.  The United States is essentially the only developed nation WITHOUT universal healthcare… and that blows exponentially.   Like, even with insurance, the healthcare in this country SUCKS.   I already have an extremely high deductible given my annual salary – my deductible is 4.6% of my annual salary.  For those of you in countries with universal healthcare, a ‘deductible’ is the amount of money you must pay out-of-pocket before insurance even kicks in to cover any percentage at all of your medical bills… yeah, it’s confusing.  It took me until this year to fully understand how deductibles actually work (or, should I say, DON’T work).

Anyhow, when my insurance switched over to my new job in January, the birth control I have been on for the last 8 years of my life was no longer covered.  It had been 100% covered (FREE) with my last insurance.  In my opinion, all birth control should be free – it’s preventative care and could save insurance companies tons of money in the long run. Anyhow, I digress…. with my new insurance, for the SAME birth control medication, I would end up having to pay $500 out of pocket every 3 months.  Guys, this is the cost of my medication WITH INSURANCE.  WTF? ! It took me three different birth controls to find one that actually met my needs and didn’t completely fuck my body up when I started taking this pill 8 years ago.  I tried three other pills before I ended up with this one, and each one had terrible effects ranging from weight-gain, Dolly Parton-sized breasts, nausea, headaches, etc..   I know this sounds like some “Alice in Wonderland” magic mushroom shit (one makes you tall, one makes you small), but I’m serious. This is the only one that worked for me, without terrible effects.

I called my doctor as soon as I found out my normal medication wasn’t covered, and decided tried another one that WAS fully covered by my new insurance, which the doctor assured me was similar, and I gained 5 lbs. on the 3 days I was on it, and cried over everything for no reason.  At that point, I just threw all three months work of it away and said ‘f*ck it.’  I am too old to deal with this shizzle.  I have no intent of having a kid either, if anyone is wondering. I’m just also not dealing with unnecessary weight gain and mood swings at this point in my life.

I just can’t keep playing Goldilocks and trying to find the perfect size chair or the right temperature porridge at this age, you know?  I knew what actually worked for my body, and it’s been taken away due to America’s fabulous healthcare coverage.  Anyhow, I was feeling confident and happy in my decision to be rid of hormonal contraceptives, since I know that they aren’t that great for you in the long run.  Now, my skin is going haywire and I’m like psychotic.   I’m breaking out all over my body – my chest, my back, my jawline, my neck… like WTF?!  Is there no winning in this world?! Also, I’ve been way more emotional in the last two months than I have been in the last 8 years. I am not OK with this.  I don’t know what else to do except to ride it out or order the only other pill that has the same ingredients my old one did, which is only available in Europe.

Anyhow.  I’m done bitching.

I made some awesome vegan, ‘meatless’ ballz for a potluck work party I had this week.  We have a couple of vegans/vegetarians in the office, so I figured I would just make something everyone could enjoy instead of making both vegan and meat.

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 cups of cooked quinoa (white, red, mixed, any color quinoa is good)
• 2 cans of black beans
• 1/2 white or yellow onion, finely diced
• 4 cloves of garlic, finely diced
• 1 small can of tomato paste
• 1 cup Mozzarella-vegan (soy-based) ‘cheese’ (can’t really call this shiz cheese …)
• 2 Tbs. soy sauce
• 3 Tbs. Olive oil
• 1 Tbs. freshly chopped parsley
• 1 Tbs. freshly chopped basil
• 1 tsp. red pepper flakes
• 4 cups vegetable stock
• Salt/pepper/granulated garlic to taste

DIRECTIONS:

• THIS FIRST STEP YOU CAN DO A DAY OR TWO IN ADVANCE:
• Cook 1 cup dried quinoa in about 3 cups vegetable stock – add more stock or water as necessary, until all water is gone and quinoa is cooked through, and light and fluffy
• Once the quinoa is cooked, set aside to cool or until ready to use

• Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees F.
• Drain and rinse the 2 cans of black beans and lay out onto a baking sheet to dry and go into the over
• Put the tray of beans into the oven for approximately 20 minutes, until they are dry and begin to crack on the outside
• While the beans are in the over, chop your onion, garlic, and fresh herbs

• In a small saucepan, saute the onion and garlic over low heat, until cooked-through (add the onion first and cook until translucent, and then the garlic last and cook for another couple of minutes) – set aside once cooked.

• In a blender, pulse the fake mozzarella cheese until it is crumbly
• Next, add in the dried black beans into the blender along with the olive oil, and pulse until crumbly
• Dump this mixture into a large mixing bowl
• Add in your cooked onion/garlic mixture
• Add in the cooked quinoa
• Add in the seasonings (chopped basil, chopped parsley, salt/pepper, dried pepper flakes, dried oregano, granulated garlic, soy sauce)
• Add in 3-4 Tbs. of the tomato paste
• Mix everything together with your hands

• Roll the mixture into golf-ball sized balls once it is the right consistency and flavor
• Place the balls on a baking sheet or in an oven-safe dish to bake; cook for 30 minutes or so
• You may have to rotate the balls half-way through cooking, to ensure even cooking on all sides
• Serve with your favorite tomato sauce, alone, or over pasta!

After I slaved away making these balls, I worked a 10 hour day and came home to make myself some ratchet ramen:

Once again I basically haven’t slept all week.  Today I let my alarm go off at 8 minute intervals over the course of 1.5 hours…. who does that?  For the amount of time I continued to have interrupted sleep, I could have just re-set the alarm another hour out and gotten some solid sleep.

I cannot wait to sleep this weekend. What’s new? Oh well… what do you expect from a future cat lady?