I haven’t written a blog in a couple of weeks because I’m feeling lazy and uninspired, yet also simultaneously busy (working, maintaining the household, maintaining a very high-maintenance cat, watching my niece and nephew after work here and there, basically maintaining everything but myself it seems…), and I’ve also been trying to take advantage of the warmer weather by walking more. The increased exercise doesn’t seem to helping my body much, unless I’m gaining serious muscle and am too blind to see it because I have body dysmorphia… but I’m pretty sure the scale doesn’t lie.
Can you tell I’m in a bad mood? Because I really am.
I feel like I only work and live to pay bills sometimes (all the time, actually), and only eat healthy and work out for my body to stay exactly the same and fluctuate wildly depending on that time of the month. Have I mentioned how awful it has been since going off birth control? I mean, we’re in the midst of the 6th mass extinction of flora and fauna and it’s caused entirely by humans, Notre Dame Cathedral burned down on Monday, there are starving children in Yemen, abused and abandoned animals wandering the streets, and dead whales washing up everywhere with plastic bags in their stomachs, but yeah…. I am still bitter about my insurance not covering Natazia (on top of all of the aforementioned issues… the Natazia is just the straw breaking this camel’s back, so to speak).
Like who the fuck gains weight when they go OFF birth control? Don’t most people gain when they go on it? Also, who knew that in addition to PMS bloating, you can also bloat during ovulation… so basically, I only look skinny about 3 days of the month now – and that’s the week my skin flares up with hormonal acne. I never really feel good about myself 100 percent anymore. I’m either bloated or broken out and both make me feel self-conscious and not like myself. By the time my cystic zits go back down, and are just red, flaky marks on my face, a whole month has gone by and then the cysts come right back again along with some added water retention.
It’s OK though… we’re all going to be dead someday, and probably sooner than later at the rate of global warming, pollution, and general discord among the nations…. so why should worry about my thigh gap and a couple of zits on my chin? I’ll tell you why – because it takes away from my worry about microplastics infiltrating the food chain and never being able to afford to have children thanks to astronomical rent prices and student loans… that’s why. I need to focus my anxieties and stress into something I can control… which is precisely why I’ve started carrying a tote bag to the grocery store to haul my groceries home so as to avoid plastic bags…
I was going to make chicken piccata tonight for my boyfriend, because at some point today I had more energy and felt like cooking something fancy, but after working all day, commuting, doing groceries on the way home, taking a bath, giving my cat a bath, and picking up the house, and now writing this blog, I am absolutely fucking exhausted, and ordered Chinese food instead.
It’s one of those days, and I seem to be having a lot of those days lately, despite trying to stay positive and take a pro-active approach to my life and wellness and happiness.
I have been trying to take it easier on the weekends (i.e. going to bed before 2am, not binge drinking, not making poor financial decisions when I’m binge drinking), which leaves me feeling slightly more mentally stable. I picked up my new glasses last week (fucking finally) and have knocked out all of my annual doctor’s visits, bi-annual dental cleaning, so at least I’m up to date as far as my health is concerned. I also started a new painting and made good progress for the few hours I’ve put into it so far:
In other news, while the world falls apart and I futilely attempt to lose the weight I’ve gained since January, I made the best meatballs I ever made (beef and mortadella), and also the best risotto I’ve ever made and that my boyfriend has ever eaten (his words, not mine).
I want to write out the recipe and ingredients but it’s going to have to wait because I’m physically, mentally and emotionally spent for today.
I’ll try to update this tomorrow to include a recipe… I’m falling asleep now.
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