Tag: climate change

Do you want to die?

Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I’m not gonna lie
I’ll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I’ll show you my dark secret
I’m not gonna lie
I want you for mine
My blushing bride
My lover, be my lover, yeah

  • Possum Kingdom, The Toadies

Do you want to die? I mean, sometimes I think it might be a more gentle option than the current state of affairs. Am I suicidal? No. Do I understand why Anthony Bourdain hung himself in a hotel room? Sometimes I feel like I do.

There is nothing I can say that hasn’t been better said at this point. “I told you so” seems to be the most appropriate phrase right now, given the last few months, although anyone brainwashed by Fox news and in the MAGA cult can’t see that our democracy, freedom and country is caving in on them. So saying “I told you so” would be over their head.

How do you continue to go about life and go to work 5 days a week when the country that you were born and raised in, the country that was once the so-called “leader of the free world” is turning into Russia or North Korea? I’m not sure… because at this point, I still go to work to get my pay check so that I can pay my bills and retain health insurance, but I am so mentally checked out.

I was raised in the age of “girl power”… women can do anything men do. I saw even in my own lifetime advances for women – in the work place, women being listened to and taken seriously, more awareness and punishment for harassment and sexual assault… more freedoms and acceptance to be who you are and to wear what you want. Now, I see all of these things being stripped away.

A rapist is the president of the United States. A racist, rapist, scamming, scheming, selfish fraud. A clown. How did it get to this point? I can’t help but wonder how many people who voted for him never watched the news or read any paper other than maybe the NYPost. How gullible and naive and ill-informed could anyone BUT a white billionaire man be to vote for this asshole?

It sickens me to think of the brainwashed, oppressed people who voted for this man, actually believing he cared about them and wanted to help them… believing he would make this country better. Now, we are all paying the price… our nation is paying the price. And things will get much much worse, before (and IF) they ever get better again.

I honestly cannot believe people are still willingly getting pregnant and having kids in this world. It is absolutely doomed… between climate change (and everything that climate change will cause: failed crops, intolerable heat, natural disasters), pollution (cuts to the EPA, forever chemicals and microplastics causing cancer in young adults and children), disappearing water sources due to drought (goodbye Colorado River and reservoirs), cuts to the FDA, FAA, federal funding for public schools, funding for scientific research and USAID funding, rights for women, the LGBTQ community, rights for immigrants fleeing violence and famine in their home countries, and the fact that we will likely never have another fair election again, it just blows my mind that anyone would want to bring an innocent child into this world.

I am 37 years old and in my life time I’ve seen enough shit to make me wish I’d never been born at all (to quote Freddy Mercury). I had a good childhood and early adult hood compared to most of this world’s population, and I still struggled. It’s only getting worse.

The world is overpopulated with humans and we are destroying everything that supports us. I feel so bad for all of the innocent wildlife and animals losing their homes, being hunted and driven to extinction by human encroachment and deforestation. How can we live without trees? How can we live without clean water? We can’t… and we deserve whatever we have coming. Whether that is widespread crop failure and famine, water shortage due to drought and pollution, or nuclear war… which at this point, seems like it will come first.

I wish I could turn a blind eye. I wish I was more positive and hopeful. But I see what is happening around me… how much things have changed for the worse even in my lifetime. It’s scary. It’s scary that I have no control. The best I can do is find like-minded people to talk to and spend time with. The best I can do is to help people and animals when presented the opportunity to make a small difference in someone else’s life. I cannot convince the world to care. I sometimes wonder if this is all a bad dream… it sure does feel that way sometimes.

Countdown to Italy: Linguine al Nero di Seppia

Sitting here in my apartment on yet another 98 degree day, waiting until the sun goes down and work is over so I can get out for walk. I had an entire entry written, including a recipe and all, but my 2015 piece of shit Chromebook refused to let me publish it when I tried hitting “Publish,” and then also deleted the entire entry, even though I had repeatedly saved it as I worked on it. So here I am, retyping it all… convinced the first version was the best and this won’t be as good as what I originally composed, since I am now angry and hurried. I make more money than I used to, and still can’t seem to justify buying a new $1,500 MacBook. So, I will continue to use this ChromeBook, a relic of 2015, a piece of technology that does me dirty every time I use it.

I am on a mission to lose 10 lbs. over the next five weeks, prior to my vacation. I WILL WEAR SHORTS and I WILL WEAR SUNDRESSES like a normal human – like a normal, average American woman – if it is the last thing I do. I am tired of hiding my lower body in black jeans on hot summer days, and I am taking action and holding myself personally accountable. I will reduce the size of my legs, and I will wear shorts with confidence.

I choose to focus on this seemingly attainable goal, since I am unable to control the political climate of this country, global warming, all of the helpless, homeless and sick animals I see on the streets of my neighborhood, and the out-of-control shootings and stabbings that happen daily here in NYC and also throughout the nation. I can only control myself. And so, I help sick animals when I see them, try not to buy single-use plastics, recycle, and try my hardest not to eat meat, which is easy to do here, but impossible to do when I visit my parents upstate, and now, I will try to lose 10 lbs. I can’t control the war raging in Ukraine, I cannot control the crimes committed in Myanmar by the national army (which I made the mistake of reading about yesterday), but by God I can call for help if I see a sick cat suffering on the street, and I can control the circumference of these thighs.

My neighborhood is trash… literally. Covered in trash and the people are trash. They get pets they don’t spay/neuter and then kick them to the curb when they get pregnant or, in the case of a male cat, start spraying. I wish I could abuse people the way they abuse animals. The sidewalks are a mean place around these parts, and the summer heat makes the psychos that walk these streets even more psychotic. I worry that I will die at the hands of a psycho due to gun violence or stabbing before I have the chance to get out of this God forsaken city. It is a legitimate fear. My fear of climate change that I cannot control is a daily undercurrent to all of my other activities and thoughts. Even when I am working or busy these days, I cannot stop thinking about how fucked the future of this planet is. There is nothing I can do though, apart from hold myself accountable for my own actions. I cannot control the people I encounter on the street though – and there are more crazies than ever before.

I want to leave this country, but mostly, I want to leave this city forever. I fantasize about going to Italy and not returning. Maybe we can buy a small property in Tuscany, and I can work remotely from another time-zone. Who has to know? Better yet, I would quit my job and just work on restoring the property and promoting it as a retreat and establishing a small farm-to-table restaurant. I can’t stay here any longer. Me and NYC are done. It has nothing left to offer me.

I wrote a recipe in my last entry that was deleted before I could publish, and now, I am too lazy to re-write it. Sorry. Here is a picture of the ingredients that I bought at Eataly though, and also a picture of my finished pasta dish:

It’s impossible to find/buy cuttlefish in this country, so rock shrimp had to do
lingue al nero di seppia (linguine with cuttlefish ink)

You can use your imagination and the picture of my ingredients above as a reference point if you want to make something similar.

I felt good about myself for .2 seconds after sweating out 2 lbs. in water weight during my 2.5 mile walk the other night.
I wish I had the confidence to actually wear shorts out of my house… I don’t like the sexual leering from men. I know I have thick legs and an ample ass…. but I don’t like people staring at it.

Five weeks until Italy. Wish me luck.