Sitting here in my apartment on yet another 98 degree day, waiting until the sun goes down and work is over so I can get out for walk. I had an entire entry written, including a recipe and all, but my 2015 piece of shit Chromebook refused to let me publish it when I tried hitting “Publish,” and then also deleted the entire entry, even though I had repeatedly saved it as I worked on it. So here I am, retyping it all… convinced the first version was the best and this won’t be as good as what I originally composed, since I am now angry and hurried. I make more money than I used to, and still can’t seem to justify buying a new $1,500 MacBook. So, I will continue to use this ChromeBook, a relic of 2015, a piece of technology that does me dirty every time I use it.
I am on a mission to lose 10 lbs. over the next five weeks, prior to my vacation. I WILL WEAR SHORTS and I WILL WEAR SUNDRESSES like a normal human – like a normal, average American woman – if it is the last thing I do. I am tired of hiding my lower body in black jeans on hot summer days, and I am taking action and holding myself personally accountable. I will reduce the size of my legs, and I will wear shorts with confidence.
I choose to focus on this seemingly attainable goal, since I am unable to control the political climate of this country, global warming, all of the helpless, homeless and sick animals I see on the streets of my neighborhood, and the out-of-control shootings and stabbings that happen daily here in NYC and also throughout the nation. I can only control myself. And so, I help sick animals when I see them, try not to buy single-use plastics, recycle, and try my hardest not to eat meat, which is easy to do here, but impossible to do when I visit my parents upstate, and now, I will try to lose 10 lbs. I can’t control the war raging in Ukraine, I cannot control the crimes committed in Myanmar by the national army (which I made the mistake of reading about yesterday), but by God I can call for help if I see a sick cat suffering on the street, and I can control the circumference of these thighs.
My neighborhood is trash… literally. Covered in trash and the people are trash. They get pets they don’t spay/neuter and then kick them to the curb when they get pregnant or, in the case of a male cat, start spraying. I wish I could abuse people the way they abuse animals. The sidewalks are a mean place around these parts, and the summer heat makes the psychos that walk these streets even more psychotic. I worry that I will die at the hands of a psycho due to gun violence or stabbing before I have the chance to get out of this God forsaken city. It is a legitimate fear. My fear of climate change that I cannot control is a daily undercurrent to all of my other activities and thoughts. Even when I am working or busy these days, I cannot stop thinking about how fucked the future of this planet is. There is nothing I can do though, apart from hold myself accountable for my own actions. I cannot control the people I encounter on the street though – and there are more crazies than ever before.
I want to leave this country, but mostly, I want to leave this city forever. I fantasize about going to Italy and not returning. Maybe we can buy a small property in Tuscany, and I can work remotely from another time-zone. Who has to know? Better yet, I would quit my job and just work on restoring the property and promoting it as a retreat and establishing a small farm-to-table restaurant. I can’t stay here any longer. Me and NYC are done. It has nothing left to offer me.
I wrote a recipe in my last entry that was deleted before I could publish, and now, I am too lazy to re-write it. Sorry. Here is a picture of the ingredients that I bought at Eataly though, and also a picture of my finished pasta dish:
It’s impossible to find/buy cuttlefish in this country, so rock shrimp had to dolingue al nero di seppia (linguine with cuttlefish ink)
You can use your imagination and the picture of my ingredients above as a reference point if you want to make something similar.
I felt good about myself for .2 seconds after sweating out 2 lbs. in water weight during my 2.5 mile walk the other night.
I wish I had the confidence to actually wear shorts out of my house… I don’t like the sexual leering from men. I know I have thick legs and an ample ass…. but I don’t like people staring at it.
Halloween day – I dressed up for the sake of dressing up and to take a slutty selfie, but stayed home because it was the responsible thing to do… and because I had COVID
Can you believe I started writing this blog a month ago and never finished? I sure as hell can. It’s been forever (what’s new?). This year is almost over, and the sad reality of a COVID Christmas season is upon us. I know I thought I had corona virus back in March, but I guess I was mistaken, because I actually tested positive for Corona last month, in October. Cheers fam. I survived unscathed… apart from the fact that four weeks later, I can still barely taste or smell. But if that’s the small price to pay for not being critically ill, well by God I’ll take it! So yeah, if you follow me on Instagram and wonder why I haven’t been cooking as much, it’s because for the last few weeks I haven’t been able to taste or smell ANYTHING. You could have held dog shit or the world’s most expensive perfume under my nose a couple of weeks ago, and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference because I wouldn’t have smelled either. As far as taste, that is also coming back. Two weeks ago I could only taste extreme salt or sugar. I couldn’t taste spicy though or sour. I could eat chocolate or Nutella and it would just taste sweet, but not chocolaty. I still can’t really smell or taste coffee. Thankfully, my sense of smell of taste and smell are slowly coming back… SLOWLY.
Leading up to my positive diagnoses, I had a slightly elevated temperature and felt a bit “off” for about a week prior, but I thought it was the change of seasons. Honestly, a common cold would normally include worse symptoms than what I experienced. My throat didn’t hurt, but felt a little “tight.” Kind of like when you first turn the A.C. on when summer hits. I had no body aches, no cough, no real fever (my temp was like 100 degrees one day, but I thought it was because I was hungover). I knew that I needed to go get tested though, when I lost my sense of smell and taste one night… since normally I have the sensory capabilities of a bloodhound (I can usually smell if someone had one drink 6 hours ago and what the neighbor two floors down is cooking). I went to a walk in clinic knowing I was going to test positive, and sure enough I did.
Needless to say, I wasn’t very hungry for the first couple of weeks that I couldn’t smell or taste, and much to my entertainment, I lost a few pounds. This was the only upside. Sadly, after I tested negative, I went home to watch my sister’s kids for five days (like all day and overnight… not just “babysitting”), on top of also working from home. The stress of this arrangement caused me to senselessly binge eat for five days straight and gain back all the weight I’d lost plus some. I can never win. I am honestly just thankful that I didn’t pass the virus onto my sister or to my niece and nephew, because they are the only people that I hung out with (other than my live-in boyfriend) for the week leading up to my diagnosis. I am also thankful that I lost my sense of smell and taste, otherwise I might have never gotten tested and unknowingly passed it onto my parents.
SIDE NOTE (after watching kids and basically being a single mom for 5 days):
If you are reading this and you are a mom, I applaud you. Legit props to any mothers out there, especially working moms. I don’t know how you do it, because I was ready to off myself numerous times throughout each day that I watched two kids, and I was so damn tired each night that it was honestly all I could do just to scroll through Instagram after the kids were finally asleep. Kids and motherhood are a beautiful thing for some people, but I’ve decided I am NOT cut out for that life. Furthermore, we all know that moms do like 90+ percent of the work when it comes to child-rearing and keeping the house clean and running functionally, so like, extra extra props to all of you.
Anyhow, despite this last month that is both a total blur and a total shit-show, I’ve still been cooking (just not regularly posting what I cook). Because I have been cooking for so long now, I know how much of and which seasonings and ingredients to add, regardless of whether or not I can actually taste/enjoy the finished meal. It’s a true gift…. possibly the only thing I was gifted with in this life, besides my twisted sense of humor.
A mushroom carbonara I made – literally the same way I would make a classic carbonara, but I used shitaake mushrooms in place of pig A vegetarian borscht I made, because I fucking love beets and soupA delicious Puttanesca I made while the BF and I were upstate this week. My niece made me watch so many episodes of ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ while I watched her, that I kept thinking about how when the movie first came out, I had such a craving for Puttanesca (if you haven’t seen it… don’t ask; if you have seen the movie, you’ll get it). My boyfriend said it was a “10” and coming from a born and raised Italian, that is the highest compliment I can get. It tasted pretty fucking good to me, even if my taste isn’t 100% restoredI bought some really high quality anchovies from my favorite local Italian store – Tavola 35. You only need a few to make Puttanesca sauce – like 3-4.My new favorite brand of pasta – also from Tavola 35. They really come through for me. They’re even carrying nero di seppia now (a.k.a squid ink)! They legit have all of the nice ingredients I can’t find anywhere elseSorry (not sorry) for all of the food porn spam. I mean, that is what this blog WAS supposed to be about when I started it. I got this awesome mozzarella di bufala from (yep, you guessed it…) Tavola 35. It was so good. I used it on a really big salad while we were upstate.
I don’t think that we are going home for Thanksgiving this year do to COVID cases picking back up and my boyfriend’s work schedule (and mine). It’s honestly not that tragic for me. Having worked a few years of retail in the past, I’ve missed a couple of Thanksgivings in my life, and I can honestly say that there are some upsides. I won’t have to dodge questions about why I don’t have any turkey on my plate. I also won’t end up binge eating for 4-days straight, which is usually what happens on any given weekend spent home (the stress of being with family, coupled with the availability of my favorite snacks, paired with the boredom of being in a rural town always sends me into a tailspin…). Honestly, missing Christmas is much more tragic… I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.
Also, my sister and her family will be overseas, so that really takes away from the joy and excitement (kids really do make holidays better…my mom wasn’t lying). I think I’ll do a vegetarian or pescatarian Thanksgiving for just me and my boyfriend here in the city. I will plan to make all of the sides (mashed potatoes, *mushroom* gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, etc.) and then do either a fo-turkey, or lobster or scallops as the main dish. I mean, you can’t pour mushroom gravy over seafood, but l’ll improvise and adjust all the dishes once I know for sure what the game plan is. My favorite Thanksgiving dishes were always stuffing and green bean casserole – both of which I have perfected in the art of making vegan, so that’s a done deal.
As the pandemic drags on into the 10th month, and winter is fully upon us, the outlook seems bleak. The days are shorter, and we have complete night by 4:30pm each day. The impending doom of another shutdown/lock-down is also making anxiety and stress levels go up across the world. With everything being so dismal, it is important to take time out (when we can) and take care of ourselves (to the extent we can). I mean, if I was really taking care of myself, I’d probably need to see a therapist weekly, start hitting the gym, and stop drinking wine. But, alas… since these things aren’t possible in the time being, I resort to long baths and painting my nails. One of the worst things about the entire last ten months has been the fact that none of us (most of us) don’t really have anything to look forward to (or so it seems).
It’s hard finding motivation to take care of yourself when you aren’t regularly seeing people or socializing. I find myself asking “what is the point?” more often than not. I miss being able to have future plans that I looked forward to – concerts, travel, parties, etc.. I know that these will come back one day (hopefully sooner than later), but in the meantime, I honestly don’t know what to look forward to, because even weekends kind of suck now.
I did a self-tan recently and felt like a new woman. Painting my nails has also reminded me I am still a woman and worthy of my own attention and ‘self-care’ (such an overused term these days – I know). Literally, my “self care” when I was watching my niece and nephew was to get the coffee maker ready so that all I had to do was hit a button the next morning … LOL. Honestly though, with all the shit going on in the world and in our lives, it is important to do little things to make ourselves feel happier and more at peace with ourselves. Whether that is a fake tan that’s going to rub off on everything, or setting the coffee maker for the next morning, after a 16 hour day of rearing children and working.
If you know me, you know I have a deep love of skorts (so I can get up to hijinks whilst remaining *semi* respectable) and of fuzzy/feathered texture sweaters and coats (it’s the raver in me…what can I say??)
Anyhow. The way things are going, I am prepared for a very emo holiday season. Christmas is normally my favorite time of the year. This year is not looking so bright or merry with cases picking up all over the globe and everything shutting down again. Things were so promising for a few months – why the fuck couldn’t we keep it that way?! I’ll tell you why – because we got careless and sloppy and now we are all paying the price (myself included in this demographic).
I am scared about getting laid-off if things haven’t improved by early next year. I am also scared about another shutdown of restaurants/bars here in NYC, since my boyfriend and most of my friends are working in the hospitality industry, and have either been out of work for months, or will be out of work again. Scary fucking times ‘yo. But honestly, what can we do? I guess all we can do is take it day by day and to appreciate the little things in this life. Or, rather, appreciate the important things.
If you have a roof over your head (even if you’re scared of losing it in a couple of months), food in your fridge and in your belly, a small network of friends or a family who you know will help you out when times are tough, and if you are healthy, you are doing better than most of the world. Be thankful for all of these things that you might regularly take for granted. The worse this world gets, and the more uncertain my future is, the more thankful I am for even the things I used to take for granted (my health, my *sometimes dysfunctional* family, the people who love me unconditionally, having food to eat, etc.).
Well, it’s been over three months since I last wrote an entry and shit has only gone further downhill in the good ol’ USA. In some respects, things are improving, but only nominally. NYC is no longer a hot-bed of COVID activity, but other states have spiraled out of control and various states/regions have shut down again. Much needed (and long overdue) discussions and protests regarding systematic racism and police brutality in the United States have swept across the nation (and other parts of the world) in a movement to address and end racism, and societal reform seems (thankfully) inevitable, so long as we all keep doing our parts to raise awareness, demand justice, and make changes where we can. Hopefully this world will get better in some respects, although it is bound to get worse in others (*cough* GLOBAL WARMING *cough* POVERTY GAP).
I haven’t written in a while because I’ve been so depressed over the current state of the world. What can I write that hasn’t already been said, you know??? The city (NYC) has gone downhill tragically. Everyone who can afford to is moving out (I wish I was part of this demographic), and crime has increased everywhere, including neighborhoods that were once exempt, like the Upper West Side. There are homeless encampments everywhere, junkies fighting over who had the last hit of crack down the street from me, and heroin junkies openly shooting up in Times Square (my boyfriend sent my photos from the lobby of his work building)…. classy. We’ve had degenerates somehow gain entrance into our building lobby and rip open half a dozen packages that were sitting downstairs for the building residents, even though there is clearly a camera facing the door. Like whoever has the balls to come into a building where people live and tear open packages in front of a security camera has no fear of being caught, and this scares me. What if myself or someone else came out of the elevator or down the stairs and caught this person in the act??? I’ve never in my life felt scared to live here before, but it honestly feels lawless here now… like the wild fucking west, but without saloons and horses.
I am terrified about what will happen when Fall/Winter arrives, since indoor dining and entertainment (movie theaters, bowling alleys, bars, restaurants etc.) has yet to open back up. If restaurants and bars cannot open once colder weather hits, and outdoor dining on the disgusting streets is no longer feasible, we are all literally fucked. More than we already are. I have so many friends that have been out of work or forced to move home since the beginning of this pandemic since they worked in the hospitality industry and lost their jobs indefinitely. NYC has already fallen so far, that it will never recover if restaurants, bars and entertainment venues cannot reopen soon. What is the point of living in this city if you are able to work remotely? What is the point of living in a city that was once the epicenter of culture and dining and entertainment, when all of that is gone???
We (my boyfriend and I) have been wanting to leave NYC for the past few years, but now we are basically desperate to . Owning our own business (a small farm-to-table restaurant and farm) has never looked better. I want to live in the country and I want to live a simple life (kind of like Paris and Nicole). I want to rely on myself for work and do something I love. I am sick of the fear and uncertainty that comes with being employed by a company who could furlough or cut my position at any time and without notice. Of course there are benefits to working for a company: health insurance, a 401K, paid time off, etc.., but I mean, even with health insurance my deductible is astronomical and my basic-bitch birth control isn’t covered by my insurance and thus costs $225 out-of-pocket each month, so like, fuck it. Before COVID my biggest fear of living in this city was getting blown up by a terrorist in the subway, but now my biggest fear is getting raped or murdered by some degenerate who broke into my building lobby and is opening FedEx packages when I intrude on them.
The 2020 presidential election is only a couple of months away and things are looking… well, scary. Don’t even get me started on Trump supporters and his evil chronies. I’ve almost gotten into physical altercations trying to reason with Trump supporters before. Despite the increasingly hot frying pan that is our world right now, I try to remain positive where I can. Global warming will probably kill us all in the next 10 years, or at least be the catalyst to wars or plagues that will kill us all, so I try to remember that life is short and to do things that make me happy each and every day, whether it’s buying some platforms I’ll never have a chance to wear outside the house because parties and raves are a thing of the past, or eating another helping of pasta, despite bitching about my burgeoning thighs.
I’m not sorry if this is depressing, because it really is fucking depressing, and sadly this is our reality (unless you’re filthy rich and on a yacht in Mykonos right now, with a plastic surgeon on-call to administer your botox injections, a private tutor for your spoiled brats, and rapid COVID tests being administered to your private guests). We should all be doing everything that we can right now as individuals and collectively, as a society, to turn this fucking world around, or this world is not going to be here for future generations or even for us in the next 5-10 years (if you’re selfish like that…). Life is already an increasing struggle each and every year… imagine life another few degrees hotter and with water and food shortages here in America, on your own land, instead of countries you don’t give a fuck about (generally speaking here, because I’m sure some of you do give a fuck, as you SHOULD) like India and Yemen. Imagine all of the bad things you think only happen to other people happening here on your own soil, because they will happen and you are not exempt (unless you’re Jeff Bezos or Mark Zuckerberg).
I am trying harder than ever to change what I can and control what I am able to, in order to improve myself and make this world a better place for all (including, and especially, animals (since I care more about the well-being of animals than most people)). Even if all I can control is eating less animal products and buying oat milk… or shopping second-hand so as to eliminate the carbon waste from the clothing industry, at least I’m helping somewhere down the line, as trivial as it sometimes may seem. I think it’s important for us to remember this – and I’m not trying to be preachy here – because lord knows I am an deeply-flawed and sometimes sadistic person – but, if we can all make small changes in our own lives, collectively, these changes make a huge difference. Take a stand for your black/gay/trans/disabled friend, or even for a random person, next time you witness them being treated unfairly or discriminated against. Stop eating factory-farmed (abused animal) meat. Stop being a dick to people who upset you, because at the end of the day, we are all going through some rough shit right now.
I won’t leave you with any recipes because I’m emotionally spent after writing this. But here are some photos from the past couple of months.
Earlier on in the pandemic when life was still looking up and the city hadn’t crumbled yet.
Still rocking my daily uniform of black skinny jeans and crop top band tees… it’s getting old, kids.
Today’s outfit was grunge-inspired and never left the confines of my apartment. The skirt is TRAGIC
My hair looked good here, and I also love this Korn tee I bought on Poshmark and cropped to hell and back (see??? positive things)
I was fortunate enough to spend a week away from work and away from NYC with my family on vacation in Maine. I wish I was still there and truly hope to move there one day.
Pre-COVID days …. hoping I can wear some frivolous shit like this again real soon. Lord knows I’ve treated myself to some new platforms.
I probably end every entry like this, but hopefully I’ll write another entry sooner than later and include a good recipe. I have been cooking, it’s just that writing the recipes from my head is so taxing at the end of a work day. I hope everyone who reads this (all five of you) are staying safe and healthy and sane #cheers.
I’d like to start this blog off by acknowledging how lucky I am – I am still employed and able to work from home (for now… that may all change in the coming months), I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards, I am healthy (physically-speaking… mentally, not so much), my family and friends are healthy, I’m not working from home while trying to parent/educate my children at the same time, and I am not a health care worker or food-service worker who has to put my own health at risk each and every day. Shout out to everyone still going to work each day in the health industry, food-service industry, or whatever line of retail or service industry that has you leaving your house to deal with the general public – you’re the real MVPs.
However, this quarantine, now that it has been extended another month, and the state of the world in general has made me feel extremely depressed, and has me wondering what the purpose of life is, if things will ever really get better, and feeling like nothing really matters.
I have lost interest in things that brought me joy, like cooking (food shopping and cooking isn’t nearly as exciting as it was when I was trapped in an office all day and looking forward to coming home and unwinding by cooking something labor-intensive and exciting), writing (I started 3 different blog drafts about three weeks ago, finished none, and haven’t logged back onto WordPress until now), and painting (no inspiration whatsoever). I feel trapped inside this apartment, trapped inside my mind, and I don’t even have a date to or event or anything to look forward to to keep me motivated. It’s really hard to stay positive when you don’t even know when quarantine will end, or if things will ever go back to being even remotely close to how they were.
Will we ever be able to go to concerts or festivals again? Will restaurants and clubs and bars be the same when this is over? Will we constantly be anxiously awaiting the next pandemic or disaster? Even when this pandemic ends, there is still global warming and all of the shit that entails to deal with.
I’ve tried to keep myself active by getting out for walks, if not daily, at least every other day. They seem to help while I am on them, but after I return to my apartment and the high of walking 4 miles wears off, the depression sets in again.
It’s a struggle not binge-eating because there is nothing else to do BUT eat, and I constantly have an empty void inside my soul that needs to be filled with something – whether that something is shopping, cooking, fun activities, or now, food. If I eat too much than I get more stressed than ever, since I am not getting nearly the amount of physical activity I was when I was going into the office each day. I’m not trying to body shame anyone, but the last thing I am going to deal with on top of all of this other shit is hating my body, since I have to live in it and see it every day.
I miss my family and not knowing when I can go see them again without the fear that I might be carrying the virus and infect someone unintentionally. I mean, I could get in a car tonight and drive upstate to stay with my parents, but that is not what we are supposed to do, and like I said, I might possibly and unintentionally get someone sick if I have been exposed to the virus.
My boyfriend and I haven’t been to Italy together since August/September 2018. We were looking forward to a trip this summer to spend time with his parents in Venice and to see his friends and travel to other countries for our own pleasure, and now all of that is not only on hold, but we don’t even know when travel bans will be lifted. It’s just really stressful and anxiety provoking not to know what the future holds. We cannot even make plans so that we have something to look forward to when all of this ends.
My skin has been breaking out terribly, probably from a combination of stress and poor eating habits (excess sugar, excess fats, excess dairy in the form of cheese…). This in turn makes me even MORE STRESSED and fucking crazy. I am trying to remain calm, but it’s kind of hard to do with this current state of affairs. My skin is inflamed and aggravated with ugly, red, painful zits all over my cheeks and chin. It is definitely a combination of hormonal acne and wearing a fucking mask every day when I go to run an errand or take a walk. By the way – I know all of this is trivial bullshit compared to what others are dealing with and going through right now. I know that this is trivial bullshit… but it still fucking blows.
I wish I had a yard to sit in and to take in some fresh air, sans-mask. I wish I had some woods to walk in or a lake to take a paddle boat or canoe out on, or just anything other than these ugly, grey, dirty NYC streets.
The root of all evils
My finger and some extra heavy concealer are covering a few zits… but this picture was taken a few days ago and the situation is now 3x worse. If you’ve ever suffered from cystic acne (which I have), you’ll know how mentally and emotionally destructive it is dealing with huge, ugly, painful acne on your face each day.
Trying to hide my zits with a wine glass and party glasses with no lenses.
I’m really trying to stay positive because I know having a positive mindset is everything… it’s just really hard right now. Work has slowed to a crawl… which is scary but I also have more time to take an afternoon walk. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time, I am trying to focus on the things I can control… like staying semi-healthy and fit.
I feel 100% better, which leads me to believe I did not, in fact, have coronavirus. How strange that I felt like crap for 48 hours and am as good as new today… maybe the change in seasons? Seasonal flu (if that’s even a thing)? Who knows. Below you can read my account of what I initially thought might be a case of coronavirus. Hope you’re all staying safe and healthy, kids!
Friday, 3/13/2020 – 1:00am:
I started reading about coronavirus back in early January – right after the New Year. I didn’t know how serious this shit would be, nor did I ever think it would leave China and basically ruin the entire world. I kept joking with a work colleague, that I hoped I caught coronavirus so I’d have an excuse to stay home for a couple of weeks…. and now here I am. Here we are. The entire economy has crashed and burned, thousands of people working in the hospitality industry have been laid off or let go while others have been forced to take pay cuts. Thousands of people are sick and thousands of people have died. This isn’t exactly the joke that I thought it was a few months ago, and I am ashamed to say I took it so lightly and made jokes about it. I was ignorant and didn’t understand the effects that it would have so far and wide on individuals, families, society and the world economy.
I have been riding the subway into and back home from work all week; going into an office building where a thousand others work each day, and going to all of the regular places a person needs to go (deli, grocery store, bank, wine store, etc.) all week. I am quite sure I am in the early stages of having coronavirus, and will attempt to get tested tomorrow, although I hear from even the handful of medical professionals I know, that there is a shortage of tests even here in NYC and hospitals are sending patients home to self-quarantine without testing them first.
I started to get a tight/itchy throat yesterday, along with a slightly elevated temperature, but I thought it was just a case of somatic symptoms, since I’ve spent all day every day reading about coronavirus for the last few weeks. Today, it was the same thing – felt kind of warm and flushed all day, with a tight throat – but given that Spring has sprung here in NYC, I also thought it might be seasonal allergies. And now, here I am. 1:00a.m. on the nose, and I have a temperature of 99.6 Fahrenheit. My body aches, especially my joints, and I feel run down and beyond tired, yet I can’t sleep because my body hurts too badly to get comfy. I also have had some occasional chills.
I’ve scoured the entire internet for protocol regarding how and where to get tested in NYC, and cannot find any useful guidelines or information. I’m going to call the local hospital and emergency walk-in clinic tomorrow and see if they can provide further instruction or any sort of help. My stomach also hurts and feels like it may explode… not cool.
I kind of knew this would happen. I haven’t been sick since Fall of 2018 when I had a really bad cold, so I knew it was about time to catch something. Plus, I totally jinxed myself by wishing I would get it…. be careful what you wish for, kids. Now, I am worried that if I test positive (which I am sure I will if I can get tested…), who I may have infected, since the incubation period is 14 days, and I spent last weekend with my family upstate. I will also have to reach out to work and let them know if I test positive so they can deep clean the office and let people know if they were exposed.
I’m trying to stay positive here, but seeing my city in this state of being and my county and the world in this state of being, is not exactly boosting morale. I pray that my family and friends, and my boyfriends family and friends in Italy continue to stay healthy and safe. I’m not sure how I will be feeling tomorrow, but I will continue to post updates here, since I want to provide a first-hand account of how this virus is for a healthy, young-ish individual, such as myself. So far the actual flu has felt worse…. and as always, a hangover is much much worse than what I feel right now.
UPDATE (3/14/2020 – 10:00am):
I woke up about 30 minutes ago and feel about the same as I did last night. I don’t feel terrible, per se, but I don’t really feel normal or good either. I still have a slight fever (although not a high one) and my joints are achy (especially my hips, knees and my shoulders). I also kind of feel like I have a tight chest… it’s not uncomfortable, but it does feel tight. I called the local walk-in to see what protocol is, and they told me to call the CDC to see if I qualify for testing. If I qualify, I will get tested at a hospital. Additionally, my stomach still feels like a painful ball – it is distended and painful but I don’t need to vomit or go to the bathroom, so I don’t know what’s up with that… but I fucking hate being bloated.
UPDATE (3/14/2020 – 2:00pm):
I called the CDC (tried to, anyway) and was on hold for 45 minutes with no estimated wait time or number of callers ahead of me provided. Needless to say, I don’t have time for that shit and so I hung up. I doubt I would qualify to get tested anyhow, since I have not been in direct contact with any known-infected individuals, nor have I traveled to any of the high risk countries, and I don’t have symptoms that would warrant a hospital stay. Although we were informed yesterday at work, that an elevator maintenance guy who was in the building earlier this week tested positive for corona…. we were assured he was only in the basement though and not even in the elevator, but who fucking knows.
My temp reached 100.7 and I took some ibuprofen. I am feeling slightly better right now, but I’ve noticed the symptoms seem to wax and wane. I doubt it’s seasonal allergies, since I never have allergies (apart from my eyes getting red and stingy each Spring). I also don’t think it’s the flu, because I’ve had the flu a couple of times before, and honestly, for me the regular flu felt MUCH worse than how I currently feel. Plus, the flu symptoms came on faster and harder…. I basically went from 0-100 when I had the flu back in January of 2018. I guess I’ll just wait to see how this progresses and call the CDC if I start to feel really terrible. I read that some people can be totally asymptomatic or have minimal symptoms; I suspect I am the later if this is in fact corona.
It’s such a beautiful day outside in NYC. Such a shame that literally almost every bar, rooftop and restaurant is currently closed down or will close to the general public to prevent the spread of this disease. I feel like I am dreaming and keep wanting to slap myself to make sure I am not dreaming and that this is real life. It is truly a shame to be stuck inside on a day like to day where the sun is shining and it’s 55 degrees. I think I’ll spend the afternoon baking focaccia and hemming a $12 dress that was clearly scaled to fit someone who is at least 5’9″. There is nothing else to do. I ordered a new book from Amazon, My Dark Vanessa, and cannot wait for it to arrive. The reviews were amazing… hopefully it will arrive by tomorrow.
I’m sure many of you reading this feel the exact same way that I do right now, but holy shit… what a time to be alive!! Am I right?! As if the last few years haven’t been mentally and emotionally taxing enough given the current political environment, global warming, mass extinction, catastrophic natural events, threats of war, and impending societal collapse, it now feels like we’re all living in some surreal world, or, rather, in one of the many apocalyptic movies that came out between 2006 – 2016.
We’ve basically reverted back to medieval plague times – I feel like Beetlejuice when he makes the joke about having ‘lived through the black plague and had a pretty good time during that.’ All I can do to stay sane right now, is keep cracking inappropriate jokes and making memes about Coronavirus. I know this virus isn’t a joke, but we’ve basically shut down the entire world, the economy is crashing and isn’t going to be able to recover for a long time, many are losing their jobs and sources of income (depending on the industry they work in), and people are going insane stockpiling supplies and food like they’re anticipating nuclear fallout! It’s the insanity of the media whipping everyone into a crazed frenzy that is going to lead to the most devastation, I believe.
How is it that people have gone so far off the deep end, that grocery store shelves are empty, and psychos are fighting over packs of toilet paper and hand-sanitizer? This is everything that is wrong with our world, and more specifically our country today. This is why the world is going down the toilet. I understand the immense pressure being placed on the healthcare system and hospitals and healthcare workers right now, and the lack of testing and resources – it’s a major issue, and certainly one that the U.S. should be panicking about and enacting cautions around (i.e. recommending people to stay at home and cancelling concerts and events). But how is hoarding toilet paper going to help with that?
I am worried about the elderly and those with compromised immune systems as much as the next person. I feel sympathy for anyone who has already lost a family member or loved one due to this virus. I worry about my boyfriend’s parents in Venice, and my own parents upstate. The fact that there is now a travel ban in place is what really makes me nervous though – what if we needed to go to Italy to take care of his parents???? It’s crazy to think that weddings, funerals and births have all been affected, postponed, or not gone as expected as a result of the travel bans in place and red-zoning happening around Europe.
I’ve still been commuting from my apartment in Brooklyn into my office in Manhattan all week. The subways have been empty and the streets quiet, not only because of people working from home, but also for the lack of tourists. It took my company until today to recommend that we all work remotely, starting on Monday. I was excited at the prospect of this a couple of months ago when I first started reading about Coronavirus, but now? Not so much. I like having routine in my life, and I’m scared if I am home I will be bored and binge eat and start fights with my boyfriend. I honestly don’t care if I get the virus, I know that I will be fine. I understand the reason we’re all going into quarantine mode, working remotely, and avoiding public gatherings is to stop the spread of the virus, and to protect the most vulnerable members of our society. It is also an attempt to not overwhelm our already-fragile healthcare system. But the media really does seem to be going overboard.
This virus is really making class disparity all the more visible. People who have the capacity to work from home (‘white collar’ jobs, so to speak), have been doing so for over two weeks now. In my own office, all of the partners haven’t come into the office in about two weeks time, as they have the luxury of working from home. Retail workers and workers in the hospitality industry (hostesses, servers, dishwashers, line cooks, bartenders, managers, etc.) have no such luxury, unless they’re working in the corporate sector of their respective industry. They have to show up to a brick-and-mortar store or restaurant to work their shift, and on top of that, be exposed to a rotating cast of the general public who patronize their venue. Same goes for teachers, gym instructors, dog-walkers, nurses, daycare workers, construction crews, etc.. People who are financially well off enough have been taking Ubers or other car services into work so as to avoid the subway or public buses. Most people can’t afford to take private cars into and from the office each day. Now that everyone has seen what happened in Italy, with towns being locked-down, those who have secondary homes are fleeing NYC to go to the countryside, so they don’t get stranded here in the event that no one is allowed out or in.
What about the rest of us poor slobs? I guess we’re just left exposed to extra germs and carrying on as usual. I walked to work a couple of days this week, just because I am ambitious and enjoy walking, but what about everyone who has been mandated to come into an office or restaurant or retail store, and has had no option but to ride a train or subway or take a bus? I feel especially bad for gig workers – the babysitters, personal trainers, tutors, pet-sitters, etc. of the world who have had jobs/gigs cut since everyone who employs them currently has reduced need for them. We live in a society where 78% of the population lives paycheck to paycheck. Unless the government steps in with stipends or some sort of compensation, how will these people pay for rent and food and medical expenses? Especially considering that the majority of gig workers do not have insurance….
Maybe this will be part of the wake-up call that Americans need regarding the need for universal healthcare and/or childcare.
If this city does get shut down, I have approximately 1 large sack of white rice, 1 bag of oats, 1 bag of split peas, 1 bag of lentils, a couple boxes of pasta, and 2 rolls of TP (TP = toilet paper, for those of you who didn’t already know that) to see me through a quarantine. Hopefully, in the event that I am housebound for a few weeks, I’ll come out looking ‘as thin as a needle,’ to quote Britney Spears. I also hope to come out on the other side with better skin, since I will be getting way more sleep if I don’t have to commute into work each morning. I’m looking on the bright side here guys….
Maybe the Illuminati sold our entire world/human population to aliens, and they need us all to be complacent and contained when the aliens touch-down their UFOs to enslave us next week. We will all be like sitting ducks, trapped in our homes and cities when the alien takeover occurs.
Just kidding with the above. I’m not really one for conspiracies, but I am pretty sure this virus was intentionally released or accidentally released from a lab in China. I don’t doubt that. I don’t really know what to think or how to feel in today’s world, honestly. Anything is possible. I put nothing past anyone or any government.
In the event that “they” tell us not to leave our residences (like they have recently enacted in certain cities in Italy – Venice, included), I think I may go insane. If I can’t get fresh air and some physical activity, I risk going off the deep end.
I hope everyone out there (all five of you who read this), and everyone’s family and friends are staying safe and healthy during this trying time! Hopefully it will be over soon and we can all resume life as usual.
Annndddd … I just spilled hot coffee on this keyboard…. #WINNING!!!! <— This actually just about sums up my last two months, if not my entire life…
Despite the title of this blog, there isn’t really much to catch up on to be honest… the last two months have flown by at lightning speed, as all months tend to do once you’re over a certain age. I never believed my parents or grandparents regarding ‘how fast time goes the older you grow.’ It wasn’t until I hit about 25 that I began to experience this strange phenomenon first-hand. The last seven years are a blur, punctuated only by precious moments and mental stills – both good and bad – nights, sunrises, people, lessons learned, the highs and the lows; experiences and memories that I wouldn’t trade-in for anything else. I feel like the last seven years basically happened in the span of one or two.
I think we finally become our “true self” around the age of 25-26. Before this age, you’re still a kid and don’t really know what’s up, because you just haven’t lived long enough or experienced enough or even met enough people to shape you yet. I think our personality kind of solidifies by the time we hit 26 or so…. I still feel like the same person inside at the age of 32 that I did when I was 26. I guess this is also the sad reason that elderly people look in the mirror and are shocked by the reflection they see once they hit a certain age – because even though their body is betraying them by aging physically, they still feel not a day over 26 on the inside. Such is life. My mom always says that ‘youth is wasted on the young’, and she’s not wrong.
This is 32. I figure I’ve only got a few decent years left in me before I start resorting to fillers (**if I can ever even afford them) and healthy living (i.e. green juices, yoga, no more partying, actual work-outs…). I’ve been wearing SPF all these years and avoiding the sun, so at least I have that going for me. It’s definitely hard being a woman and getting older though. I know we hear female celebrities saying this all the time… but it is SO SO true, and I’m not even technically “middle-aged” yet. There is so much pressure to not only stay young (literally impossible to do), but also to stay looking young (which takes effort and possibly money, if you have enough to spend on treatments, the best skin care, etc.).
Despite society telling us that as women, we are only valuable when we’re still young and attractive (and given how shitty that can make you feel inside once you start getting white hairs and fine lines), getting older is a blessing. I feel more confident and more grounded than ever. I know who I am and who I want to be, and I am less selfish and foolish than I was in my twenties. To grow older is a gift and an opportunity that many people will never have. So remember that next time you bitch about turning 30, or whatever age. Some of your peers didn’t get a chance to turn 30.
We all have this idea in our head when we’re younger, of where we will be at a certain age. When I was 25, I definitely thought I’d be married by my current age, possibly a home owner, and definitely working at a more fulfilling and creative job. Even if I am not where I once thought I’d be, I am happy to be where I am. Even with the outside pressure that is put upon me by others and by society, I am OK with where I am right now in this time and place. I sometimes feel like it is easier to grow older in a major city like NYC (at least up until a certain point), especially when you have failed to meet the stereotypical “milestones” set by society. If I were this age and living upstate right now (or in any small, rural town in America), I think I would be bored out of my mind, since almost everyone I know or went to school with is married and has kids now. I don’t think I’d have any friends to go out with or who share the same interests as me at this stage in life given the fact that I am unmarried and child free. I also feel like it would also be 10x harder to live in a small/rural town and be single at this age, since everyone is either married or divorced with three kids. Slim pickings for singletons for sure. Not really sure where this train of thought was going….
I think that what I’m saying, is that even though I ‘hate’ this city and want to move out someday sooner than later, this city has allowed me a chance to flourish as an individual and come into myself fully. This city does not put same pressures to marry and have kids on me that life in a small town might. I guess turning another year older has had me thinking of all of this recently….
I had a relatively low-key birthday this year – stayed in our favorite Airbnb in Woodstock and a nice dinner with my sister on my actual birthday. Tuna also celebrated his birthday (1st birthday, to be precise!) the day after mine. Here we are, together, basking in that birthday glory and, in my case, basking in copious amounts of sugar.
My friend made me this awesome funfetti cake… my favorite cake is, in fact, FUNFETTI :p Hell yeah boiiiiiii
The view from the back-side of the Airbnb house… I would buy this property in a heartbeat, if only I had the $1.5 million it was just listed for LOL LOL LOL …. #FML
I was also spoiled with sweets at work – cupcakes and macarons. I am not being sarcastic when I say that I feel so loved when people go out of their way to get me food or presents for my birthday. I never feel like I deserve these things or the effort or thought that goes into them … it literally made my entire day, even if my skin paid the price for a full two weeks (major acne flair-up thanks to my diet of Cadbury creme eggs for breakfast, cupcakes and macarons for lunch, and funfetti cake for dinner for a whole week straight).
My For Love and Lemons for Victoria’s Secret dress/robe – totally obsessed and need more opportunities to wear it….
It’s been so long since I posted that I haven’t even posted this amazing dress/robe I got on sale at Victoria’s Secret. Who knew that one of my favorite brands, For Love and Lemons, did a special line of lingerie and clothing just for VS? I know VS is tres gauche these days, but fuck it. I get a gift certificate for VS every Christmas and it’s just about the only time of year I treat myself to overpriced underwear, etc.
Really feeling myself, as the kids today say….
As per usual, one of the only things that gets me through each work day or lonely weekend where my BF works a 12-hour shift on a Saturday, is planning what I will cook for dinner and then executing it. I’ve cooked some really time-consuming things in the last couple of months, including, but not limited to: homemade pasta, homemade gnocchi, Focaccia and French-style baguettes from scratch, and recreated the amazing shrimp etouffee dish that I had on my birthday at Maison Premiere.
I truly hope that Maison Premiere never closes their doors. They’re a Williamsburg institution at this point, serving oysters, cocktails, and a variety of raw-bar foods and plates in a cozy and cool atmosphere. If you live in the greater NYC area, I would highly recommend for a nice date or intimate dinner or drinks with a good friend/couple of friends.
Anyhow, I’m too fucking lazy to write out any recipes, but here is some food porn…. use your imagination and go wild:
Homemade gnocchi with shrimp in a white-wine/butter sauce
The homemade gnocchi in all its’ glory
Homemade orecchiette – easiest dough ever… literally only flour and water (and a wee bit of salt)
The hand-made orecchiette, in all its’ glory
Orecchiette with pesto and baked zucchini chips
Some of the most delicious focaccia I ever had (not to toot my own horn…)
Mussels in white wine sauce, served with slices of the homemade baguette
And finally, the pièce de résistance… my recreation of the shrimp etouffee from Maison Premiere. Literally tasted identical – the only difference is that the shrimp they used had the heads on, and I wasn’t about to fuck with that on a Friday night when I made this
I’ve been so bad at finding/making time to write food posts here these past couple of months. If you want to see the process and ingredients behind my recipes/meals, feel free to follow my Instagram (instagram.com/lilywhitedaydream). I usually post stories to my IG while I am cooking, as long as what I’m cooking seems note-worthy enough to warrant as such. I mean, if you’re even reading this blog, you probably already follow me on Instagram… since that’s the only way I think anyone can find this blog ;p Anyhow, I digress…
[Insert long rant here about the current state of world affairs, animal liberation v animal subjugation, why humans need to go extinct, why I want to get the coronavirus, etc.]
[Delete long rant, after realizing I sound like one of the preachy types of A-holes that I hate and realizing no one gives a shit… ]
Side note: I am a work in progress and actively working on my anger management skills.
The High Heeled C*ntessa 