mental health – The High Heeled C*ntessa

Trigger-Warning Friday Night Thoughts

It’s Friday night, and I’m out for a walk because I have nothing better to do.

I see all of the couples and groups of friends headed out for happy-hour drinks; I’ve also passed by several bar windows where a solitary person drinks alone at the bar.

I am craving a celebratory, end-of-the-workweek drink, or five. The “five” part is why I’m on a break.

How is it that some hours pass by so slowly, but some weeks, months or even years fly by in a blink? I was out for a walk earlier this afternoon, and it seems like a lifetime ago. This afternoon I spent sedentary, working at my laptop while the sun went down in a spectacular fashion that I nearly missed. I ran up to the roof when I saw a red glow in the windows of the high-rises across the street and knew the sunset must be amazing. It seems like the hours in between my two walks were an entire week’s worth of time.

I gave a homeless man $10 tonight, but only because he had a dog sitting on his lap.

I’m entertaining thoughts of xxxxxxx and Xxxx but instead I corral my train of thought to the units of Botox I’ll be injecting into my forehad on Monday morning, and exactly how much that’s going to cost me. When did I become this person? When did I get this old?

I decided not to cross under the BQE and walk through Greenpoint tonight, as has been my go-to walking route for the last couple of months. I walked earlier today, and I don’t need to go that far. But then again, how am I going to pass the time once I’m back home?!

I would love to cook something extravagant, but my fiance won’t eat it all, and I am also on a diet: trying to lose the same 10 lbs I’ve lost and gained, and lost and gained, over and over again for the last eleven years of my life. The same ten pounds that determine whether I look skeletal or curvy, at my height.

My fiance keeps asking me what I want for my birthday next month: I want snow, and I want the thigh-gap that I had in Fall of 2018. Simple things, really – but two things he cannot possibly wrap up and hand to me come February 18th.

The warm weather fucks with my head much like the malfunctioning bathroom scale does. As a person who spends a lot of time living in my own head and imagination, it is hard to conjure up pleasant winter memories of the past or even future winter scenarios when it is a balmy Spring day in January. Global warming will destroy us all, and we deserve it. Humanity has been a scourge on this earth for the last couple of hundred years.

What am I going to do when I get home?! I have the energy to walk another 8 miles, but I’ve walked these same streets on a loop for the past 11 years, and I’m bored by the same sights and smells.

I’m bored with life sometimes. That is my problem. I honestly think this is why people have kids – boredom. I would be lying if I said I haven’t considered what life would be like with a child in my advanced age – having a kid. But there is no way in hell I am ever going to survive being pregnant for almost 10 months. I also don’t want my future child dying in a water war or nuclear holocaust or wide-spread famine. I also do all of the household work and emotional labor now, and can’t imagine having a kid on top of all of this work I already do. I’d be doing all of the child-rearing.

If I had one super power, it would be to eat whatever I want and never gain weight. Right now, I’d eat an entire, large Margarita pizza from Rome to Brooklyn. Those of you who doubt I could do so, clearly don’t know me. This is why I don’t have a thigh-gap right now.

I really, really want a cocktail. A cosmo would hit the spot, or that purple gin drink that they do at Citroen in Greenpoint. I’m jonesing…

At least I’m not tweaking.

I am really considering going to the liquor store. One drink. One, celebratory, end-of-the-workweek cocktail. Drugs have no calories though…

My mind is not normal.

These are the thoughts I entertain daily. How many calories are in a cosmo? Too many. Maybe a vodka seltzer would be a better option.

I am home now, listening to the Dandy Warhols and reliving ages 21-22. Funny how music brings you right back to where you were and who you were with when you heard it. What you were feeling… I love music. It is one thing I have always been and always will be passionate about.

Depeche Mode concert is in t-minus 4 months as of tomorrow. Must get skeletal.

I have a new record player and five new records. Maybe I can take up record shopping in used record stores as a hobby. I need a hobby that is healthy and not expensive though. All of my hobbies are expensive and/or not healthy; or they straight up bore me. Maybe I’m boring…

Isn’t that what they say? “If you’re bored it’s because you are boring”?

Filling the Void

We are 23 days into January 2021 now, and I have done an absolute shit job at sticking to my new year goals. I haven’t really made much of a conscious effort to stick to them, if I’m being honest, but work has been so off-the-fucking-hook busy that it has put a damper on everything else that was otherwise a seemingly do-able goal. It’s been nearly impossible to get in a 3 mile + walk each day when I’m glued to my laptop, stick to a vegan diet when I’ve been stressed AF and haven’t had time to plan a meal or do the grocery shopping (and also end up binge-eating whatever cheese is in the fridge because of said stress), and even the simple pleasures like writing more and self-care (which for me is simply taking a bubble bath or painting my nails) have all taken a back burner when I’m doing a 55 hour work week and trapped in my apartment.

I have felt perpetually exhausted and short-circuited since the year began. Even after a night of decent sleep (which only happens on Friday and Saturday nights, when I am able to sleep in the next morning), I feel totally burnt-out. I know this is an overused phrase, especially among millennials, but if this isn’t burnout, I don’t know what is. It doesn’t help that my cat wakes me up for breakfast every day at 5:30am, even though he knows he isn’t getting fed until 6:30. I shut him outside of the bedroom, and then he meows and scratches at the door for the next hour. Honestly, my “burnout” is probably just straight-up depression and anxiety at this point. Everything seems pointless at times, and I’m sure this is a common feeling these days, given that we are all sill in the throes of a pandemic and life is a far cry from what it used to be, once upon a time. It’s like the movie Groundhog’s Day – everything is on repeat. The news is a never ending plethora of depressing facts. So many things are out of our individual control at this point – mass extinctions going on with animals, destruction of the environment, global warming and arctic ice melting, wildfires, drought, assholes who still eat factory farmed meat… the list goes on and on.

I wish I could save the world, but I can’t even save myself (LOL). Honestly though, I’m trying to make an effort to do my part, but it’s distressing to see how many others just don’t care at all. Or perhaps, they do care, and think they can’t make a difference. But if we all make a collective effort, we can make a difference. Anyhow, apart from the shitty news we are all bombarded with each day, I miss having things to look forward to and to motivate me – concerts, raves, parties, travel. I miss walking around in a cute outfit (on the occasional day I am feeling myself) sans-mask, and seeing the smiling, happy faces of people enjoying a day or night out. I know these are things that we all miss. It’s not just me. But if all feels so fucking dismal and never-ending that it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

I am happy I don’t have kids right now, and I never plan to have any at this point given the state of the world (and if you’re one of the people who says “oh, you’ll change your mind!” – just STOP. I’m about to be 33, bitch – my mind is made up. The only maternal feelings I have are towards cute animals). Between climate change and global warming ravaging the plant and every living thing on it, and the abuse and mistreatment of animals (which sadly, I must admit to being a part of since I still consume cheese and seafood…), I just don’t think it’s right to keep populating this earth and setting future generations up for struggle and heartache. Every day I read stories in the news about climate-disasters, pollution, and other stuff that makes me not want to even be part of the human population. Today I read a story about a cat who was attacked by two pitbulls that the owners actually sicced on the cat and beat the cat down from a tree so their dogs could attack it. Shit like this makes me sick to my stomach. I know this is an isolated incident, but stuff like this happens every day. What the fuck is wrong with some people? When climate change finally brings this world crashing down (as it is currently in the process of doing), humans will deserve exactly what they get (and yes, the pitbull incident is unrelated to climate change, but I’m just saying – this world is messed up in more ways than one).

I feel like these last 10 months of nothing but work, stress, anxiety, and boredom have made me so physically worn down too. I feel fatter, uglier, and older looking than ever before – it’s like I’ve aged 5 years in 10 months. It’s probably all in my head since my attitude is so ugly right now. The other day, I was in such a funk and felt so bad about myself, that I started researching botox and fillers. Like, who the fuck am I? I used to talk mad shit about people under the age of 35 who had fillers and botox. I think I’m just looking for something to make me feel better, and internally starting with myself always seems like the answer to me. I know it is not though, and even if I did get botox, I’d still hate myself at the end of the day (well, not every day, but on the bad ones).

I really need to find a better balance between work and living (which definitely means finding a new job in the long-run, but right now seems like a bad time to leave a decent position, when I am lucky to even have a job since so many others are out of work). I also don’t want to end up at another place working for others, on their schedule. I want to work for myself, and I want to do something I am passionate about – which is cooking, writing, and saving the environment and animals to the extent that I can as an individual and through educating others (I know I am hypocrite, since I’m still eating cheese and seafood… but I’m fucking working on it, OK?).

I have been relatively good about my ‘no alcohol’ goal. It’s easy for me to go without wine and alcohol if I’m not in a social setting, or if I simply don’t buy a bottle of wine to bring home. I feel so much better without alcohol – it’s easier to wake up the next morning, I feel fresher, I look fresher… it’s just really hard to control myself when I finally am in a social setting and I start drinking with other. I don’t know what triggers it… well, actually I do. It’s probably a combination of finally relaxing and having some fun, as well as social anxiety that fuel me to always have one (or three) too many. Then, I am filled with regret and even more anxiety the next day, all hungover and wondering if I said or did anything inappropriate, offensive, or politically incorrect. I honest should just never drink again – not even in a party setting. ESPECIALLY, in a party setting.

I think I start drinking excessively to internally mask my own insecurities – never feeling like I am nice enough, outgoing enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or funny enough… never feeling like I am enough to deserve love or friendship. The alcohol temporarily masks these feelings, but the next day is 100x worse when they all surface again, coupled with the anxieties that I’ve fucked up somehow. I started seeing a therapist for this shit right before last year’s quarantine. I think I’d gone to two sessions when everything went virtual, but for me, virtual counseling isn’t going to cut it. So I am on a long-term hiatus, stuck with these feelings that are mostly manageable, but some times lead me down a dark, rabbit-hole of self sabotage and erratic behaviors depending on the situation, lack of sleep, level of stress, state of inebriation, etc. I’m not sure how I can have such love and compassion for others and basically none for myself. It’s really baffling to me and others who know me.

I am looking forward to a very mini break in February, following my birthday. My boyfriend and I are going to New Hampshire for a few days, sans cats, so that will be relaxing. Tuna can wake someone else up at 5am each day. Someone else can clean his ass and wipe his eye boogers for a week. I cannot wait. I hope there is snow when we go – lots of snow. There should be, considering we will be in the White Mountains. We are staying at an inn this time, as opposed to an Airbnb, and that is also exciting. As much as I love having an entire house/hot tub etc. when we rent an Airbnb, it will be nice to NOT shop for any groceries, have someone else come in and make the bed each day, and have a restaurant right there where we are staying. I’m truly looking forward to it.

If you couldn’t already tell, this is the only thing that will be motivating me through the next month. I am thankful that it is Saturday today, and for the next two days I don’t have to have my fat ass parked in front of my work laptop. I’m going to get out for a 6 mile walk today and tomorrow. Not that this will negate the two packs of ramen noodles I ingested yesterday in my hungover state. But it’s a start.

Quarantine Depression

I’d like to start this blog off by acknowledging how lucky I am – I am still employed and able to work from home (for now… that may all change in the coming months), I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards, I am healthy (physically-speaking… mentally, not so much), my family and friends are healthy, I’m not working from home while trying to parent/educate my children at the same time, and I am not a health care worker or food-service worker who has to put my own health at risk each and every day. Shout out to everyone still going to work each day in the health industry, food-service industry, or whatever line of retail or service industry that has you leaving your house to deal with the general public – you’re the real MVPs.

However, this quarantine, now that it has been extended another month, and the state of the world in general has made me feel extremely depressed, and has me wondering what the purpose of life is, if things will ever really get better, and feeling like nothing really matters.

I have lost interest in things that brought me joy, like cooking (food shopping and cooking isn’t nearly as exciting as it was when I was trapped in an office all day and looking forward to coming home and unwinding by cooking something labor-intensive and exciting), writing (I started 3 different blog drafts about three weeks ago, finished none, and haven’t logged back onto WordPress until now), and painting (no inspiration whatsoever). I feel trapped inside this apartment, trapped inside my mind, and I don’t even have a date to or event or anything to look forward to to keep me motivated. It’s really hard to stay positive when you don’t even know when quarantine will end, or if things will ever go back to being even remotely close to how they were.

Will we ever be able to go to concerts or festivals again? Will restaurants and clubs and bars be the same when this is over? Will we constantly be anxiously awaiting the next pandemic or disaster? Even when this pandemic ends, there is still global warming and all of the shit that entails to deal with.

I’ve tried to keep myself active by getting out for walks, if not daily, at least every other day. They seem to help while I am on them, but after I return to my apartment and the high of walking 4 miles wears off, the depression sets in again.

It’s a struggle not binge-eating because there is nothing else to do BUT eat, and I constantly have an empty void inside my soul that needs to be filled with something – whether that something is shopping, cooking, fun activities, or now, food. If I eat too much than I get more stressed than ever, since I am not getting nearly the amount of physical activity I was when I was going into the office each day. I’m not trying to body shame anyone, but the last thing I am going to deal with on top of all of this other shit is hating my body, since I have to live in it and see it every day.

I miss my family and not knowing when I can go see them again without the fear that I might be carrying the virus and infect someone unintentionally. I mean, I could get in a car tonight and drive upstate to stay with my parents, but that is not what we are supposed to do, and like I said, I might possibly and unintentionally get someone sick if I have been exposed to the virus.

My boyfriend and I haven’t been to Italy together since August/September 2018. We were looking forward to a trip this summer to spend time with his parents in Venice and to see his friends and travel to other countries for our own pleasure, and now all of that is not only on hold, but we don’t even know when travel bans will be lifted. It’s just really stressful and anxiety provoking not to know what the future holds. We cannot even make plans so that we have something to look forward to when all of this ends.

My skin has been breaking out terribly, probably from a combination of stress and poor eating habits (excess sugar, excess fats, excess dairy in the form of cheese…). This in turn makes me even MORE STRESSED and fucking crazy. I am trying to remain calm, but it’s kind of hard to do with this current state of affairs. My skin is inflamed and aggravated with ugly, red, painful zits all over my cheeks and chin. It is definitely a combination of hormonal acne and wearing a fucking mask every day when I go to run an errand or take a walk. By the way – I know all of this is trivial bullshit compared to what others are dealing with and going through right now. I know that this is trivial bullshit… but it still fucking blows.

I wish I had a yard to sit in and to take in some fresh air, sans-mask. I wish I had some woods to walk in or a lake to take a paddle boat or canoe out on, or just anything other than these ugly, grey, dirty NYC streets.

My finger and some extra heavy concealer are covering a few zits… but this picture was taken a few days ago and the situation is now 3x worse. If you’ve ever suffered from cystic acne (which I have), you’ll know how mentally and emotionally destructive it is dealing with huge, ugly, painful acne on your face each day.

Trying to hide my zits with a wine glass and party glasses with no lenses.

I’m really trying to stay positive because I know having a positive mindset is everything… it’s just really hard right now. Work has slowed to a crawl… which is scary but I also have more time to take an afternoon walk. I guess only time will tell. In the mean time, I am trying to focus on the things I can control… like staying semi-healthy and fit.