Quarantine Depression

I’d like to start this blog off by acknowledging how lucky I am – I am still employed and able to work from home (for now… that may all change in the coming months), I have a roof over my head and food in my cupboards, I am healthy (physically-speaking… mentally, not so much), my family and friends are healthy, I’m not working from home while trying to parent/educate my children at the same time, and I am not a health care worker or food-service worker who has to put my own health at risk each and every day.  Shout out to everyone still going to work each day in the health industry, food-service industry, or whatever line of retail or service industry that has you leaving your house to deal with the general public – you’re the real MVPs.

However, this quarantine, now that it has been extended another month, and the state of the world in general has made me feel extremely depressed, and has me wondering what the purpose of life is, if things will ever really get better, and feeling like nothing really matters.

I have lost interest in things that brought me joy, like cooking (food shopping and cooking isn’t nearly as exciting as it was when I was trapped in an office all day and looking forward to coming home and unwinding by cooking something labor-intensive and exciting), writing (I started 3 different blog drafts about three weeks ago, finished none, and haven’t logged back onto WordPress until now), and painting (no inspiration whatsoever).  I feel trapped inside this apartment, trapped inside my mind, and I don’t even have a date to or event or anything to look forward to to keep me motivated.  It’s really hard to stay positive when you don’t even know when quarantine will end, or if things will ever go back to being even remotely close to how they were.

Will we ever be able to go to concerts or festivals again?  Will restaurants and clubs and bars be the same when this is over?  Will we constantly be anxiously awaiting the next pandemic or disaster?  Even when this pandemic ends, there is still global warming and all of the shit that entails to deal with.

I’ve tried to keep myself active by getting out for walks, if not daily, at least every other day.  They seem to help while I am on them, but after I return to my apartment and the high of walking 4 miles wears off, the depression sets in again.

It’s a struggle not binge-eating because there is nothing else to do BUT eat, and I constantly have an empty void inside my soul that needs to be filled with something – whether that something is shopping, cooking, fun activities, or now, food.  If I eat too much than I get more stressed than ever, since I am not getting nearly the amount of physical activity I was when I was going into the office each day.  I’m not trying to body shame anyone, but the last thing I am going to deal with on top of all of this other shit is hating my body, since I have to live in it and see it every day.

I miss my family and not knowing when I can go see them again without the fear that I might be carrying the virus and infect someone unintentionally.  I mean, I could get in a car tonight and drive upstate to stay with my parents, but that is not what we are supposed to do, and like I said, I might possibly and unintentionally get someone sick if I have been exposed to the virus.

My boyfriend and I haven’t been to Italy together since August/September 2018.  We were looking forward to a trip this summer to spend time with his parents in Venice and to see his friends and travel to other countries for our own pleasure, and now all of that is not only on hold, but we don’t even know when travel bans will be lifted.  It’s just really stressful and anxiety provoking not to know what the future holds.  We cannot even make plans so that we have something to look forward to when all of this ends.

My skin has been breaking out terribly, probably from a combination of stress and poor eating habits (excess sugar, excess fats, excess dairy in the form of cheese…). This in turn makes me even MORE STRESSED and fucking crazy.  I am trying to remain calm, but it’s kind of hard to do with this current state of affairs.  My skin is inflamed and aggravated with ugly, red, painful zits all over my cheeks and chin.  It is definitely a combination of hormonal acne and wearing a fucking mask every day when I go to run an errand or take a walk.  By the way – I know all of this is trivial bullshit compared to what others are dealing with and going through right now.  I know that this is trivial bullshit… but it still fucking blows.

I wish I had a yard to sit in and to take in some fresh air, sans-mask.  I wish I had some woods to walk in or a lake to take a paddle boat or canoe out on, or just anything other than these ugly, grey, dirty NYC streets.

I’m really trying to stay positive because I know having a positive mindset is everything… it’s just really hard right now.  Work has slowed to a crawl… which is scary but I also have more time to take an afternoon walk.  I guess only time will tell.  In the mean time, I am trying to focus on the things I can control… like staying semi-healthy and fit.