holiday – The High Heeled C*ntessa

(Fake) Chicken and Dumplings & Emotional Derangement

*** This blog previously appeared unedited and under the influence of wine. It has since has been edited (whilst sober and in a better state of mind)***

PREFACE: The current state of the world has been wearing heavily on my mind and my emotional well-being for quite a while now (CLEARLY), but things really came to a head after several glasses of wine a couple of weeks ago. Naturally, I decided this was the PERFECT time to write and publish a blog here on The High Heeled Cuntessa (and to be totally unhinged in my IG stories). I woke up at 6AM the next morning and quickly un-published the blog and then deleted all of my psychotic IG stories, as I lay awake in a state of regret, mortification and hanxiety (“hanxiety” = hangover induced anxiety). I am such a mess (and not even a hot one) sometimes.

I have decided I need to not drink anymore. Alcohol does nothing for me, and it never has: it doesn’t make me thinner, it doesn’t make my skin glow, it doesn’t make me happier (maybe for a moment, but then I have hanxiety for the next several days), it definitely does NOT improve my relationships…it is literally the Devil’s drug. If it is a special occasion (ex. a holiday or birthday celebration), I will allow myself 3 drinks maximum, but only if I am with people I know I will be controlled around (i.e. my family). Anyhow, here is an updated version of my unhinged post, complete with full recipe, which I was too sloppy to write out before.

Because I have finally realized how annoying it is to scroll through a bunch of bullshit when you just want the recipe, here is my recipe for fake chicken and dumplings.

INGREDIENTS:

1/4 cup olive oil and/or butter
1 bag of Morning Star Fake Chicken Nuggets
2 Potatoes (Yellow or White), washed and cut into cubes (no need to peal)
3 Stalks Celery, diced
1/2 Small Onion, finely diced
3 slender carrots (or 2 large ones), diced
1 cup frozen green beans
1 cup frozen peas
Better than Chicken Bouillon
1 – 1.5 Cups Whole Milk or Dairy-milk alternative
Fresh Parsley, finely chopped
1 TBS Fresh sage, finely chopped
1 bay leaf
1 tsp. thyme leaves
2 tsp. granulated garlic
1/3 cup flour
salt and pepper to taste

FOR THE DUMPLINGS (because I’m too lazy to re-type):

https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/6900/dumplings/

INSTRUCTIONS:

Make dumpling batter and set aside
Microwave frozen Morning Star nuggets for 2 minutes and then roughly chop each nugget into quarters and set aside
Prep broth by heating 3-4 cups of water in pot or sauce pan and adding in 2 TBS of Better Than Chicken bouillon; set aside for future use
Heat oil (or butter) over low heat in large sauce pan and add in onions; cook until they start to become translucent
Add in celery, granulated garlic, and fresh herbs and cook another 3 minutes
Add in flower (and additional oil/butter, if necessary) and stir for about a minute over low heat or until all oil/grease is soaked up by flour
Increase heat to medium and add in broth, 1 cup at a time, stirring constantly (you’ll likely only need about 2 – 2.5 Cups of broth + 1.5 cup milk)
Add in 1 – 1.5 cups milk, depending on desired level of thickness
Add in chopped carrots, potatoes, bay leaf and frozen veggies, and season with salt and pepper to taste
Bring to a low boil over medium heat and boil until carrots/potatoes are tender
Add in dumpling batter, 1 tsp. at a time (I suggest making only 8-10 dumplings and saving/freezing the rest of the batter)
Cook covered and over medium-low heat for 10 minutes or until dumplings are done
Gently stir in Morning Star chicken pieces
Serve and enjoy!

[INSERT LONG-WINDED CATCHER IN THE RYE TYPE, NIHILISTIC RANT HERE ABOUT HOW THE WORLD IS FUCKED AND EVERYONE IS FAKE AND HOW I’M NEVER HAVING A KID] (that sums of the gist of my prior blog…)

Me, with Mac in Cancun: My emotional support TY Beanie Baby. For Mac content, please follow @macandthefunkybunch on TikTok

Halloween has come and gone (I dressed up for myself and stayed home), my cousin’s wedding has come and gone, and now Thanksgiving has come and gone. I am on the straight and narrow until after the New Year (sober, eating healthy, getting 8 hours of sleep per night). Work has been slow given the current state of the economy and I fear for the recession and job cuts that are inevitably going to happen next year. Oh well, it’s out of my control; I can only work on myself, and that is exactly what I intend to do. I want to take Italian lessons in the new year so I can finally have a basic conversation with my in-laws. That will be my present to myself when (and if…) I receive my holiday bonus. Watch me get a Jelly of the Month gift certificate instead…. if you know you know, and if you don’t, please go watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation NOW.

Axl Rose, Circa “Patience” Music Video for Halloween. I have a soft spot for Axl Rose.

Came close, but my nose isn’t small enough…

I wish I could fix this world, but I can only fix myself and do good where I can do good. I will not let this world bring me down (I can do that myself with the help of alcohol and low self-esteem LOL).

I will continue to donate what small sums of money I can afford to donate to cats/rescue organizations in need and buy Christmas presents for underprivileged children, since I have no children of my own. I guess not having a mortgage or kids of my own allows me the financial freedom to help others, however small/insignificant my contributions may be. It feels good to help others, especially when I feel like I can’t help myself 😀 I certainly cannot help the world.

Had the whole plunge-pool suite to myself… just me and Mac. How romantic….

Thanksgiving was great, minus my four-day binge. I lose all self-control when I am home. I am now back in Brooklyn and determined to be the best me I can be… which means no booze and no binges, also plenty of walking (which is increasingly difficult to do, now that it is dark by the time my work day ends).

Looking forward to milking the holiday season for all it is worth. I already did my Christmas cards, although I haven’t yet started my holiday shopping as I am awaiting my bonus (or Jelly of the Month Club certificate…) to determine my budget.

I wanted to get a tree while I was upstate this past weekend, but that didn’t happen since my fiance left the day after Thanksgiving for work and I had to ride back with my sister’s family. Hopefully we can go cut down a tree this Sunday… I’m not sure where, but I refuse to buy a trash tree from the trash Home Depot near me this year, which is what we did last year.

I hope everyone (all two of you who read this + my loyal bot followers in India) have a peaceful and safe holiday season. Cheers.

A Quiet Christmas and my New Year’s Resolutions

I was thankful to actually have some snow for Christmas this year, even if the major snow came a week before Christmas and all but melted away on Christmas Eve, due to 24 hours of torrential rain and 50 degree weather. Tuna also enjoyed seeing the snow and taking in that crisp, upstate air!

Peeps hanging out under my parent’s tree on Christmas morning

What a year it has been for all of us! I’m hoping 2021 will be an improvement and things will start to get better by Spring, but I won’t hold my breath (with this new strain of COVID and the entire restaurant/hospitality industry in shambles, shit might get a lot worse before it gets better). I’m just thankful I am still here, having survived a mild case of COVID, my friends and family are all healthy, my boyfriend’s parents are healthy, and I am still gainfully employed (for now…. ).

I thought my senses of smell and taste had fully returned after my October bought of Corona-virus, but for some reason I am now smelling a phantom smell of wood smoke 24/7. It started when I was at my parent’s house for Christmas – they have a wood stove, and I thought there was a back-draft because even in the bedroom at the opposite end of the house, I was smelling smoke. Well, I am back in my Brooklyn apartment and I still smell wood smoke, even in the absence of a fire. I guess there are worse phantom smells I could be smelling. I am hoping that eventually my senses will return to normal one day soon. There are obviously much worse things that could have happened to me with this virus, but I feel I am starting to go insane when I can’t focus on anything but the smoke I am smelling that’s not actually there.

The view from our friend’s road, where we took a nice after-Christmas walk on Sunday

Christmas was quiet one, but I was thankful to be home with my family for several days, instead of just the 48 hours I usually seem to have with them for Christmas (it was the first year in 8 years that my boyfriend didn’t have to work on Christmas Eve… what a treat….). We spent Christmas day at my parent’s house with my sister’s family, and had breakfast and dinner together. It was nice to stay home and not have to cart a bunch of presents and hot dishes elsewhere for the larger family dinner we would normally have. The next day, once the rain and snow had stopped, temps dropped to about 20 degrees Fahrenheit, and the windchill made it feel like 12 degrees, but that didn’t stop us from getting together with my mom’s side of the family for a 3-hour outdoor get-together. It was frigid, but we had a fire and hot beverages and certainly made the most of it.

My feet were freezing after three hours in 20 degree weather with inappropriate footwear, but it was nice to see everyone.

Soddy, with his deer friends in the backyard

My aunt and uncle’s tree – always a favorite with the Victorian styling to match their Victorian house!

I wish I could post quality videos here, but the quality is always compromised. I saved all of my Christmas pictures and videos of deer, the big snow fall, and peaceful mornings upstate to my Instagram highlight reel titled “Winter 2020” (in case you need some bucolic scenery in your life).

Anyhow, here we are on the last day of 2020. I would say good-riddance, but 2020 had a few perks. It was nice to have an excuse to say ‘no’ to people more often, regarding social functions etc. Before this year, I was constantly feeling burnt-out and never had any real down-time. Any time not spent working I felt like I had to engage in social functions or hanging out with friends, even when what I really needed was some quiet time to myself. It has always been hard for me to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty, but this year’s emphasis on self-care really opened my eyes. It’s OK to do nothing sometimes.

With that being said though, I think I’ve had enough quiet time now, and cannot wait to go to a mega-concert or a rave. I miss being surrounded by happy, united people – all sweaty and smiling, having fun and enjoying themselves. That is what I miss the most. I hope that by summer 2020 we can all attend concerts and big parties again.

I never keep my New Year’s resolutions, and the resolutions I made last year were pretty much impossible to keep with the global pandemic and lock-downs happening worldwide (ex. “travel more”….. RIGHTTTT). This year, I’m sticking to resolutions that won’t be influenced by outside forces, and also giving myself some leniency!

My New Year’s Resolutions:

Stop drinking alcohol (will make exceptions for social occasions such as birthdays, holidays, and romantic dinners out (if those ever happen again….)).
Go *mostly* vegan (will make exceptions for bivalve-mollusks, farm-fresh eggs (i.e. eggs picked up directly from the farm where I can see the chickens for myself), and from time-to-time, cheese (if it is a special occasion and good-quality cheese)).
Get out for a walk each and every day, no matter what (2.5 miles minimum).
Write more often.
Save more money (should be easier to do since we still can’t have social lives, and also since I won’t be spending money on wine and booze).

That’s it. These should be fairly easy goals to stick to for me, minus the daily walking, which can be difficult when the weather is shitty or if I get stuck working a 15-hour day (which has sadly happened a few times over the course of this year).

Cheers to healthy, happy and prosperous New Year – let’s hope 2021 is even a fraction better than 2020 has been!

A very COVID Christmas

Halloween day – I dressed up for the sake of dressing up and to take a slutty selfie, but stayed home because it was the responsible thing to do… and because I had COVID

Can you believe I started writing this blog a month ago and never finished? I sure as hell can. It’s been forever (what’s new?). This year is almost over, and the sad reality of a COVID Christmas season is upon us. I know I thought I had corona virus back in March, but I guess I was mistaken, because I actually tested positive for Corona last month, in October. Cheers fam. I survived unscathed… apart from the fact that four weeks later, I can still barely taste or smell. But if that’s the small price to pay for not being critically ill, well by God I’ll take it! So yeah, if you follow me on Instagram and wonder why I haven’t been cooking as much, it’s because for the last few weeks I haven’t been able to taste or smell ANYTHING. You could have held dog shit or the world’s most expensive perfume under my nose a couple of weeks ago, and I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference because I wouldn’t have smelled either. As far as taste, that is also coming back. Two weeks ago I could only taste extreme salt or sugar. I couldn’t taste spicy though or sour. I could eat chocolate or Nutella and it would just taste sweet, but not chocolaty. I still can’t really smell or taste coffee. Thankfully, my sense of smell of taste and smell are slowly coming back… SLOWLY.

Leading up to my positive diagnoses, I had a slightly elevated temperature and felt a bit “off” for about a week prior, but I thought it was the change of seasons. Honestly, a common cold would normally include worse symptoms than what I experienced. My throat didn’t hurt, but felt a little “tight.” Kind of like when you first turn the A.C. on when summer hits. I had no body aches, no cough, no real fever (my temp was like 100 degrees one day, but I thought it was because I was hungover). I knew that I needed to go get tested though, when I lost my sense of smell and taste one night… since normally I have the sensory capabilities of a bloodhound (I can usually smell if someone had one drink 6 hours ago and what the neighbor two floors down is cooking). I went to a walk in clinic knowing I was going to test positive, and sure enough I did.

Needless to say, I wasn’t very hungry for the first couple of weeks that I couldn’t smell or taste, and much to my entertainment, I lost a few pounds. This was the only upside. Sadly, after I tested negative, I went home to watch my sister’s kids for five days (like all day and overnight… not just “babysitting”), on top of also working from home. The stress of this arrangement caused me to senselessly binge eat for five days straight and gain back all the weight I’d lost plus some. I can never win. I am honestly just thankful that I didn’t pass the virus onto my sister or to my niece and nephew, because they are the only people that I hung out with (other than my live-in boyfriend) for the week leading up to my diagnosis. I am also thankful that I lost my sense of smell and taste, otherwise I might have never gotten tested and unknowingly passed it onto my parents.

SIDE NOTE (after watching kids and basically being a single mom for 5 days):

If you are reading this and you are a mom, I applaud you. Legit props to any mothers out there, especially working moms. I don’t know how you do it, because I was ready to off myself numerous times throughout each day that I watched two kids, and I was so damn tired each night that it was honestly all I could do just to scroll through Instagram after the kids were finally asleep. Kids and motherhood are a beautiful thing for some people, but I’ve decided I am NOT cut out for that life. Furthermore, we all know that moms do like 90+ percent of the work when it comes to child-rearing and keeping the house clean and running functionally, so like, extra extra props to all of you.

Anyhow, despite this last month that is both a total blur and a total shit-show, I’ve still been cooking (just not regularly posting what I cook). Because I have been cooking for so long now, I know how much of and which seasonings and ingredients to add, regardless of whether or not I can actually taste/enjoy the finished meal. It’s a true gift…. possibly the only thing I was gifted with in this life, besides my twisted sense of humor.

A mushroom carbonara I made – literally the same way I would make a classic carbonara, but I used shitaake mushrooms in place of pig

A vegetarian borscht I made, because I fucking love beets and soup

A delicious Puttanesca I made while the BF and I were upstate this week. My niece made me watch so many episodes of ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ while I watched her, that I kept thinking about how when the movie first came out, I had such a craving for Puttanesca (if you haven’t seen it… don’t ask; if you have seen the movie, you’ll get it). My boyfriend said it was a “10” and coming from a born and raised Italian, that is the highest compliment I can get. It tasted pretty fucking good to me, even if my taste isn’t 100% restored

I bought some really high quality anchovies from my favorite local Italian store – Tavola 35. You only need a few to make Puttanesca sauce – like 3-4.

My new favorite brand of pasta – also from Tavola 35. They really come through for me. They’re even carrying nero di seppia now (a.k.a squid ink)! They legit have all of the nice ingredients I can’t find anywhere else

Sorry (not sorry) for all of the food porn spam. I mean, that is what this blog WAS supposed to be about when I started it. I got this awesome mozzarella di bufala from (yep, you guessed it…) Tavola 35. It was so good. I used it on a really big salad while we were upstate.

I don’t think that we are going home for Thanksgiving this year do to COVID cases picking back up and my boyfriend’s work schedule (and mine). It’s honestly not that tragic for me. Having worked a few years of retail in the past, I’ve missed a couple of Thanksgivings in my life, and I can honestly say that there are some upsides. I won’t have to dodge questions about why I don’t have any turkey on my plate. I also won’t end up binge eating for 4-days straight, which is usually what happens on any given weekend spent home (the stress of being with family, coupled with the availability of my favorite snacks, paired with the boredom of being in a rural town always sends me into a tailspin…). Honestly, missing Christmas is much more tragic… I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.

Also, my sister and her family will be overseas, so that really takes away from the joy and excitement (kids really do make holidays better…my mom wasn’t lying). I think I’ll do a vegetarian or pescatarian Thanksgiving for just me and my boyfriend here in the city. I will plan to make all of the sides (mashed potatoes, *mushroom* gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, etc.) and then do either a fo-turkey, or lobster or scallops as the main dish. I mean, you can’t pour mushroom gravy over seafood, but l’ll improvise and adjust all the dishes once I know for sure what the game plan is. My favorite Thanksgiving dishes were always stuffing and green bean casserole – both of which I have perfected in the art of making vegan, so that’s a done deal.

As the pandemic drags on into the 10th month, and winter is fully upon us, the outlook seems bleak. The days are shorter, and we have complete night by 4:30pm each day. The impending doom of another shutdown/lock-down is also making anxiety and stress levels go up across the world. With everything being so dismal, it is important to take time out (when we can) and take care of ourselves (to the extent we can). I mean, if I was really taking care of myself, I’d probably need to see a therapist weekly, start hitting the gym, and stop drinking wine. But, alas… since these things aren’t possible in the time being, I resort to long baths and painting my nails. One of the worst things about the entire last ten months has been the fact that none of us (most of us) don’t really have anything to look forward to (or so it seems).

It’s hard finding motivation to take care of yourself when you aren’t regularly seeing people or socializing. I find myself asking “what is the point?” more often than not. I miss being able to have future plans that I looked forward to – concerts, travel, parties, etc.. I know that these will come back one day (hopefully sooner than later), but in the meantime, I honestly don’t know what to look forward to, because even weekends kind of suck now.

I did a self-tan recently and felt like a new woman. Painting my nails has also reminded me I am still a woman and worthy of my own attention and ‘self-care’ (such an overused term these days – I know). Literally, my “self care” when I was watching my niece and nephew was to get the coffee maker ready so that all I had to do was hit a button the next morning … LOL. Honestly though, with all the shit going on in the world and in our lives, it is important to do little things to make ourselves feel happier and more at peace with ourselves. Whether that is a fake tan that’s going to rub off on everything, or setting the coffee maker for the next morning, after a 16 hour day of rearing children and working.

If you know me, you know I have a deep love of skorts (so I can get up to hijinks whilst remaining *semi* respectable) and of fuzzy/feathered texture sweaters and coats (it’s the raver in me…what can I say??)

Anyhow. The way things are going, I am prepared for a very emo holiday season. Christmas is normally my favorite time of the year. This year is not looking so bright or merry with cases picking up all over the globe and everything shutting down again. Things were so promising for a few months – why the fuck couldn’t we keep it that way?! I’ll tell you why – because we got careless and sloppy and now we are all paying the price (myself included in this demographic).

I am scared about getting laid-off if things haven’t improved by early next year. I am also scared about another shutdown of restaurants/bars here in NYC, since my boyfriend and most of my friends are working in the hospitality industry, and have either been out of work for months, or will be out of work again. Scary fucking times ‘yo. But honestly, what can we do? I guess all we can do is take it day by day and to appreciate the little things in this life. Or, rather, appreciate the important things.

If you have a roof over your head (even if you’re scared of losing it in a couple of months), food in your fridge and in your belly, a small network of friends or a family who you know will help you out when times are tough, and if you are healthy, you are doing better than most of the world. Be thankful for all of these things that you might regularly take for granted. The worse this world gets, and the more uncertain my future is, the more thankful I am for even the things I used to take for granted (my health, my *sometimes dysfunctional* family, the people who love me unconditionally, having food to eat, etc.).

Rat Meatloaf and Gross Negligence

It’s been over a week since I last wrote… I am living in a state of perpetual exhaustion. I average about 5 hours of sleep a night, and I don’t even have anything to show for my lack of sleep – that’s the saddest part. You’d think I was up writing a novel or like, a cook book or something. Or that I was painting the next greatest masterpiece. No. Honestly, I don’t even know how I end up staying up as late as I do every night (usually until 12:30 – 1 a.m.). I’m not doing anything fun or worth while. I am actually up that late scooping cat litter, brushing cats, and/or cooking dinner for a boyfriend I see about 20 minutes of each day, and yeah… that’s about it…. by the time all my chores are done, it’s time for bed.

I don’t know where the time goes, but clearly it hasn’t been spent writing or finding a better job. I haven’t even cooked anything note worthy lately. I’ve been too fucking tired to cook and too busy tending to cats and cleaning the house, since it now gets dirty even faster (double the cat hair, double the spilled litter and food messes, etc.).

Can someone please come brush my teeth and wash my face for me? It’s 9:20 p.m. on a Friday and I’m too tired to even get off the couch and get ready for bed. That’s how tired I am. I can’t even imagine having an actual human kid to take care of at this point in my life. I’d literally fucking die, and if I didn’t die from sleep deprivation, I would surely die from a psychotic break down as a direct result of stress and sleep deprivation.

Can someone also fix my mangled feet? I think they need totally replaced at this point, given that they’re covered in popped blisters from my ill-fitting H&M sneakers and beyond the repairs a basic pedicure would offer.

Anyhow. Another day, another dollar -am I right?

I am really proud of myself because I didn’t order delivery even once this week. Not that I order in often – usually once a week and only when I’m drained. But I’m impressed I didn’t order at all – since at some point in the week, I usually cave and use Seamless to order Chinese or Mexican food. I cooked a lot of random shit this week though, that is for sure. One of the many random things I cooked was this rat meatloaf:

Rat (“mouse”) meatloaf… don’t ask. I couldn’t stop laughing as I prepared it, waiting to present it to my boyfriend like it was a goddamn lobster with a side of filet mignon

I made this really delicious dish that I absolutely LOVED, and my boyfriend hated (he hates small pastas for some strange reason (orzo, italini, orrechiette)… I, on the other hand, LOVE small pastas). Anyhow, I found this sick recipe for “Orzotto” (orzo cooked like risotto) on one of my favorite food sites, “Taste Cooking.” It was really easy to make (much less time than cooking actual risotto with rice), and warranted a trip to my favorite cheese shop.

58026982540__749AAC68-AC2E-4FD5-8441-483F151C1063 — This was heaven. I liked it better than actual risotto, because the orzo is lighter and fluffier. I cooked the orzo in chicken stock, and used Gorgonzola dolce to finish it.

It was a beautiful Spring night in NYC, so I brought Mr. Peeper for a walk… Not sure the hipster trash dudes working in the Cheese shop appreciated, but whatever. It’s my life.

Anyhow, Campbell (aka “Lorimer”) Cheese shop is my absolute favorite. It’s basically what Bedford Cheese Shop was before they sold their soul to the devil and moved up the street into a gargantuan retail space with white everything and waitstaff that is unfriendly and probably doesn’t even eat cheese.

I digress…

Campbell (Lorimer) Cheese shop is the best – they always have Gorgonzola dolce and a variety of truffle cheeses, which means I leave happy every time. The staff is friendly, and you can find all manner of jams, olives, specialty sausages, etc..

The mortadella wasn’t the same as usual… it had no peppercorns or pistachios in it… they totally downgraded and I’m not sure what’s up with that. I did pick up these awesome anchovies, which I used in the pasta dish I just made. I also picked up the creamy, blue cheese I used to make my Orzotto.

I’m too fucking lazy to write out any recipes tonight. But I made this pasta using the anchovies pictured above, and San Marzano tomatoes from a can:

The anchovies add this delightful umami flavor …. so good

Anyhow. It’s Memorial Day Weekend and I can’t fucking wait to be home (my parents house upstate). I am so over this shit hole, rat-infested, fake fuck infested city.

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone. I hope the cats let me sleep in past 7:30 a.m. tomorrow. I look haggard.