Do you want to die?

Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I’m not gonna lie
I’ll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I’ll show you my dark secret
I’m not gonna lie
I want you for mine
My blushing bride
My lover, be my lover, yeah

  • Possum Kingdom, The Toadies

Do you want to die? I mean, sometimes I think it might be a more gentle option than the current state of affairs. Am I suicidal? No. Do I understand why Anthony Bourdain hung himself in a hotel room? Sometimes I feel like I do.

There is nothing I can say that hasn’t been better said at this point. “I told you so” seems to be the most appropriate phrase right now, given the last few months, although anyone brainwashed by Fox news and in the MAGA cult can’t see that our democracy, freedom and country is caving in on them. So saying “I told you so” would be over their head.

How do you continue to go about life and go to work 5 days a week when the country that you were born and raised in, the country that was once the so-called “leader of the free world” is turning into Russia or North Korea? I’m not sure… because at this point, I still go to work to get my pay check so that I can pay my bills and retain health insurance, but I am so mentally checked out.

I was raised in the age of “girl power”… women can do anything men do. I saw even in my own lifetime advances for women – in the work place, women being listened to and taken seriously, more awareness and punishment for harassment and sexual assault… more freedoms and acceptance to be who you are and to wear what you want. Now, I see all of these things being stripped away.

A rapist is the president of the United States. A racist, rapist, scamming, scheming, selfish fraud. A clown. How did it get to this point? I can’t help but wonder how many people who voted for him never watched the news or read any paper other than maybe the NYPost. How gullible and naive and ill-informed could anyone BUT a white billionaire man be to vote for this asshole?

It sickens me to think of the brainwashed, oppressed people who voted for this man, actually believing he cared about them and wanted to help them… believing he would make this country better. Now, we are all paying the price… our nation is paying the price. And things will get much much worse, before (and IF) they ever get better again.

I honestly cannot believe people are still willingly getting pregnant and having kids in this world. It is absolutely doomed… between climate change (and everything that climate change will cause: failed crops, intolerable heat, natural disasters), pollution (cuts to the EPA, forever chemicals and microplastics causing cancer in young adults and children), disappearing water sources due to drought (goodbye Colorado River and reservoirs), cuts to the FDA, FAA, federal funding for public schools, funding for scientific research and USAID funding, rights for women, the LGBTQ community, rights for immigrants fleeing violence and famine in their home countries, and the fact that we will likely never have another fair election again, it just blows my mind that anyone would want to bring an innocent child into this world.

I am 37 years old and in my life time I’ve seen enough shit to make me wish I’d never been born at all (to quote Freddy Mercury). I had a good childhood and early adult hood compared to most of this world’s population, and I still struggled. It’s only getting worse.

The world is overpopulated with humans and we are destroying everything that supports us. I feel so bad for all of the innocent wildlife and animals losing their homes, being hunted and driven to extinction by human encroachment and deforestation. How can we live without trees? How can we live without clean water? We can’t… and we deserve whatever we have coming. Whether that is widespread crop failure and famine, water shortage due to drought and pollution, or nuclear war… which at this point, seems like it will come first.

I wish I could turn a blind eye. I wish I was more positive and hopeful. But I see what is happening around me… how much things have changed for the worse even in my lifetime. It’s scary. It’s scary that I have no control. The best I can do is find like-minded people to talk to and spend time with. The best I can do is to help people and animals when presented the opportunity to make a small difference in someone else’s life. I cannot convince the world to care. I sometimes wonder if this is all a bad dream… it sure does feel that way sometimes.

Pretty on The Inside

… and ugly on the outside. That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. I think the ill-will of the world is wearing on me. Just when you think things can’t possibly get worse, they somehow do. I’m not talking about for me, personally (per se), but the state of this world and society.

I don’t need to go into details; anyone who reads or watches the news knows exactly what I’m talking about. The economy is currently shit, inflation makes day-to-day survival a struggle for the majority, and not only is war in Ukraine still raging, famines happening in Afghanistan and Africa, but now we have genocide happening against the Palestinians in Gaza (after a sickening terrorist attack by Hamas – but, this doesn’t justify the killing of 11,000 innocent civilians – the majority of whom are helpless children, followed by women and civilians who ARE not part of the terrorist organization).

I’m also so sick of all of these keyboard warriors who see themselves as woke AF, and continually post a stream of liberal news links and clips on their IG feeds, but don’t lift a fucking finger in real life to aid the cause or help make a difference locally. The same people who post about saving animals from factory farming or stopping war, don’t so much as join a real-life protest or rescue the freezing stray cat next-door to their apartment. So many posturing hypocrites out there these days… if you really cared about making a difference, you’d take a break from recycling the same posts we are all seeing anyhow, and go DO something.

This world sickens me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if women truly ruled the world (i.e. were in positions of power, the head of states, the politicians, the billionaires, the generals, the scientists…), war would not exist. At least not in a physical state where people bomb, shoot, and indiscriminately destroy people.

Not only is the US basically engaged in WWIII and supporting genocide at this point, but the societal collapse has definitely begun, and no where is it more apparent than in my ratchet neighborhood. Literally everyone on the street seems to have mental illness, substance abuse issues, and seems to be a violent offender these days.

Don’t even get my started on the increase in people abandoning pets and abusing pets they never should have got in the first place, since they’re abusive and can’t even afford themselves. Nothing makes me angrier or more sick to my stomach. Why do people who cannot even afford to take care of themselves have kids or bring home animals that they cannot afford to feed, take to the vet/doctor, or properly carefore??? Do they want to make life more difficult than it already is? Furthermore, if you don’t love animals and want your pet for a companion, why do you want it at all? To kick around and take your anger out on? People are so fucking demented I can’t…. I wish I could beat up the people who hurt and abandon animals, or do MUCH MUCH worse.

The older I get, the more I think that people should need to take tests and procure licenses in order to become parents or pet owners; and the government should have organizations that occasionally do surprise visits to all licensed individuals’ homes to make sure the pets and/or kids are being properly cared for.

Poverty and abuse begets poverty and abuse. It’s a sick cycle, and here in East Williamsburg/Bushwick, I have sadly witnessed the cycle first hand.

The latest local sighting causing me strife, is the cat in the smoke shop where Grand Street and Graham Ave. intersect. The smoke shop opened in Spring of this year, and only a couple weeks after they opened, I noticed a cat tree in the corner and two small kittens.

Just seeing that this ratchet smoke shop had kittens already made me worried, but then later in the summer, the fact that they let the cats go in and out onto the busy sidewalk on such a busy intersection, really rubbed me the wrong way. But, not my cats right? Not my place to say something as a stranger, right?

Well, lately, I’ve noticed one of the cats is MIA from the window (the orange and white one), and last night, I noticed the black and white cat limping when it went across the smoke shop floor, as I walked by and looked into the window. I thought about going into the shop then and there, but I was already exploding inside and on the verge of tears. Ladies – you know that feeling when you’re angry and fuming, but also want to explode into tears (or do explode into tears) because you know there is nothing you can do to resolve your anger or be heard and taken seriously? Yeah.


[update: just walked by smoke shop and orange cat is alive!!! I’ll walk by tomorrow to check on the limping cat again and maybe I’ll go in and pretend I’m looking for a bowl or something just so I can ask about the cat without being weird]

There were a group of ratchet local men hanging out inside near the counter when I saw the injured cat go across the floor. What am I going to do as a white woman alone if I go in? They’ll think I’m a Karen who’s sticking her nose in someone else’s business if I go in and question strangers about their cat. I walked by again today and the cat was asleep on its cat tree in the corner. There was another group of men hanging out near the counter and I didn’t feel comfortable going in alone to ask about the cat. I need to find a tactful and gracious way to approach this situation. It doesn’t help that I’m not a smoker and smoke shops disgust me (we have one every fucking block in the city these days). Imagine If I could just openly do bumps of coke or pop MDMA on the streets? I’m not sure how getting all fucked up is acceptable and blowing second hand smoke into the faces of strangers is acceptable…. although, I have seen people shooting up heroin on curbs and subway steps midday, so maybe it is acceptable now, IDK. I digress though…

I’m not sure how to inquire about this cat, since I am genuinely concerned about its welfare, without being viewed as a nosy, white bitch.

Given the state of the economy and my neighborhood, it’s no wonder that no one really gives a shit about animals – especially ones that are not theirs. How can you care about a random cat on the street or a neglected bodega cat, when you can’t even take your own cat to the vet, buy winter coats for your kids, or pay your rent??? This economy is in a sad state lately.

I don’t know how people feed families. I can hardly feed me, my fiance, and my two cats these days without going into debt. And by all standards, I make decent money (maybe “good” in other parts of the country… not NYC, I guess…). It’s all so fucked up. I’m going to be back to the days when I had to decide between a roll of paper towels or coffee creamer if inflation continues to go higher. I’m serious….

On a much more superficial note, back to the Hole – referenced title of this blog (Courtney Love, for you cretins who don’t know good music). I have been feeling so ugly lately. I think it’s a combination of depression and anxiety honestly, brought on by the current state of the world. The world truly seems hopeless lately. Humanity is clearly a lost cause.

I’ve been feeling so unattractive. I stopped drinking during the week (I have drank the last two weekends, but am sober Monday – Friday), thinking that maybe it will help me lose the weight I’ve seemed to slowly put on over the last few years. I thought it might improve my mood as well. It has improved my energy levels, but not my dour outlook on life. I feel like my mind is also functioning at a slightly higher caliber than it was when I was drinking during the week. But I feel uglier than ever. Old, and ugly.

As if a slowing metabolism and changing body-fat distribution wasn’t enough, my face seems to have lost all sharpness (not that it was ever “snatched”, but I certainly had more semblance of cheekbones and jawline than I do now). My face is fat and round, and beginning to fall. No amount of botox is going to lift my sagging jowls and eyes. I saw some candid photos someone took of me recently, and I look like Lady Gaga, and NOT the only attractive version of Lady Gaga, when she was in her Alejandro phase…. I look like a chubby, lady gaga, minus the talent. I’m considering cheek filler, but it’s fucking expensive, and knowing my luck, it would just make my face look even fatter….

It sucks feeling this way when you’re trying to plan your wedding. All I keep dwelling on is how thin and fresh-faced I would have been if only I’d been getting married 5 years ago, when I was 30. How did things go downhill so fast? Not that I ever considered myself “pretty”, but at least I used to be skinny.

Now, I have to fucking work to be thin, and even then, I’m no where near as thin as I was (granted I was also eating one meal a day back then….). Oopsie.

Now I just don’t have the willpower to starve myself anymore. I don’t know what changed. I guess I got lazy… lazy and fucking HUNGRY (all the TIME). I’m hoping cutting out alcohol might help.

Anyhow, when I was a little girl dreaming of her wedding (and you can ask my mom, I wanted to get married at age 3 after watching The Little Mermaid, so I’ve been dreaming about my wedding for a LONG time…), I never dreamed I’d be a 36-year old, peri-menopausal woman looking at slinky wedding dresses, and needing to plan the best time to get fresh botox before my big day. Like if I got married 5 years ago, I would have looked great in any wedding dress (not to toot my own horn, but looking back, I was certainly in my PRIME). We only see how attractive we were in retrospect.

Oh well. I will be 36 when I finally get married (if we are all still alive next year), and now I have to actually worry about how my boobs will look in a low-cut silk gown and when to get botox before the big day. Fun times! I’m clearly an ageist against even myself, but hey – this is how society brain-washed me to be, as a woman. It’s not my fault that society told me I should be young, fresh-faced, fertile and under the age of 35 when I walk down the aisle.

Speaking of kids, I really can’t believe people are still having kids and getting pregnant in the year 2023, but that’s just my educated opinion. Ignorance is bliss, am I right?

Cheers bitches.

Emaciated 30-year old Kelsey was ready to rock any wedding dress… now I have to worry about how my boobs will hang under white satin….

Clearly I was living on a diet of air….

2018 Kelsey better take a backseat, because 2024 Kelsey 2.0 is coming back with a vengeance….

I have become the type of girl/woman I always felt bad for. The one that says stuff like “I used to be skinny! Look: ” and then proceeds to pull up pictures on their iPhone and show you what they looked like 5 years ago, as if you doubted them, or as if you even care what they weigh(ed) or look(ed) like at all. I once worked with another manager at Hollister who was like that. I would watch her eat bags of Wawa Old Bay potato chips, and get Friendly’s burgers and fries every day for lunch, and then literally cry because she kept gaining weight. She would pull up old pictures and show them to everyone in the manager’s office with her, and be like “but I used to be so skinny!!!”. I feel like that is me now, and I don’t like who I have become. This sounds like a scene from Mean Girls, but the Abercrombie/Hollister stores were a breeding ground of eating disorders and low self esteem for employees and a competition of who was the thinnest most of the time I worked there.

Getting older is a bitch though, and I am not even going through menopause (YET). You don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone. I know I should appreciate what I have now – a functional, strong, body. I am healthy. yada yada yada…. no one ever told me my metabolism would shit the bed at 32, or that the bottle of wine I drank every other day during COVID times would catch up to me LOL. JK. (but not really).

It’s been a while

Life has been crazy busy – I should be planning my wedding(s) but shit keeps preventing me from doing so (probably my un-diagnosed ADHD…). Seriously though… not having concrete plans for Venice is stressing me out at the moment.

We recently came back from a two-week vacation/seeing his parents in Venice. Vacation was amazing, although not necessarily restful. Nevertheless, it was a beautiful and much needed break from the daily grind here in New York. We purchased a small fortune worth of wine and cheese during our three-day sojourn in Tuscany, which we shipped to our Brooklyn Apartment, with DHL, the Friday before the Sunday we flew home. The wine was from a small winery that is owned and operated by a father and daughter who are also artists – they don’t advertise or distribute. In fact, they don’t even directly ship abroad…

Flash-forward to less than 48-hours after we shipped our packages, using DHL in Venice, to Sunday afternoon: we were at the Copenhagen airport for a long layover, in a long line to get our passports checked, when we got a call from DHL saying that they were downstairs (yes, in NYC) and needed a signature. LESS THAN 48-HOURS after we shipped…

Usually, our packages take at LEAST two-weeks to even clear customs when they ship. We were dumbfounded. We told the DHL driver we weren’t even in the country yet, and asked him to bring both boxes (the cheese and the wine) back onto the truck. He said he would…

We got home that night at midnight (NYC time). The next day (Monday morning) my fiance checked the tracking, and saw that both packages had been “delivered”. The DHL guy forged a signature and lied following our conversation. The packages were dropped in the lobby of our apartment, after he signed on behalf of my fiance. They never made it back to the truck, and we live in a shitty neighborhood.

We asked management to review the camera footage, and someone’s food delivery guy (dressed in an orange, Hawaiian shirt) stole both packages at around 8:10PM. They’d already been sitting in the lobby 6 hours, we got home 4 hours after they were stolen.

Each package probably weighed 25 lbs, and they were in discreet, yellow, DHL boxes, so I’m not sure why he was so tempted to take them. He didn’t even secure them on his moped, and we are convinced that the big box of wine he put on the back of the scooter probably fell off and smashed on his journey. They were also so heavy, that he pushed them out the building door. My blood boils even thinking about it three weeks later…

It took countless posters plastered all over our 6-unit building to finally get the info we needed from the neighbor who ordered that night. After 10 days and through process of elimination, the neighbor who ordered finally gave us the info we needed to give to the cops and contact the delivery service.

I doubt we will get the wine or cheese back, or even be compensated in full. We are still waiting for news of a resolution. I hope he has at least been fired so that he doesn’t keep stealing from every building he delivers to. The most infuriating thing, is that the wine we shipped is from a winery that doesn’t distribute, and the magnum had a hand-painted label from the artist we met, who had just recently incorporated a new color from a hand-made pigment to honor the memory of her late sister.

We only knew about this winery by word of mouth – the suggestion of another winery in Montalcino area.

It was pure luck that we went to that winery – they only do two tours a day, and when we called, they were booked and said they’d call if anything changed, and they could get us in at 4PM.

We got a call at 2PM, and were super excited to check it out. We met the owners of the winery – a father and daughter (around 72 and 45 years old), who are both artists, and use the winery and vineyard as an artist retreat. They lost a daughter/sister, and now devote an entire vineyard to her memory… they gave us a tour and drank wine with us. It was one of the best days of my life. At the end of the tour and wine tasting, we bought 6 bottles, one of which was a magnum with a hand-painted label….

Yes, the wine and cheese was expensive, and expensive to ship too, but the real blow is the fact that it was one of the best days of our life, and we were looking forward to saving it for a very special occasion (wedding, birth, promotion…something special).

Anyhow, this is what began the streak of bad luck…

“We” (he…) bought a house in June, that we have been working on and spending most weekends (aka Sunday – Tuesday morning) at, and which is now ready to rent on Airbnb. Yes, it is an investment property… we both wish we could live there full time, as we are so over this city. But we need money to help pay the mortgage and hope to make some profit in doing so… We also have to be at our respective jobs in person (him slightly more so than me), otherwise we could give up this shitty apartment in a shitty neighborhood that we pay way too much for and risk our lives living here every day.

Anyhow, we were supposed to have our first AirBnB guest last weekend, when the well pump at the house conveniently shit the bed, four hours before their arrival. We were ready to spend a relaxed Sunday together in Brooklyn for the first time in almost 3-months, when we got a call from our rental management agency (who went to make sure the house was in order), saying the water wasn’t coming out of the faucets. When we left the Tuesday prior, the water was working just fine. They had their plumber come take a look, and then we sent another plumber to assess the situation. Meanwhile, we lost about $1,400 with the cancellation.

I can’t even imagine how pissed off that the first guests were, getting cancelled on 4 hours before they were due to arrive. But, I guess that’s what the rental management company is for – dealing with these situations, and hopefully able to recommend another property they manage close by.

We got in the car (a 2003 Subaru Outback) to go take a look ourselves, and about 1 minute down our street here in Brooklyn, the check engine light came on, and the engine started making thumping noises. Thankfully, it wasn’t a cat in the engine (which I guessed it might be, because I follow too many local cat rescues, and because it was a rainy day). However, the car, which is 20 years old, just needed the second cylinder replaced. :/

Needless to say, we did NOT make it to the house upstate, and spent a very somber Sunday at our apartment here in Brooklyn, wondering what brought us such bad karma (I don’t think it was anything I did, but maybe it was some ill-intent I’ve been harboring towards a coworker who is never actually working or in the office…).

As if this that Sunday wasn’t bad enough, we had rain all week here in NYC, leading up to torrential downpours on Friday morning and afternoon. All of NYC and the five-boroughs had flash flooding in various neighborhoods. We happen to live on the top story of a five-story building, and have had issues with our ceiling leaking in the past during heavy and persistent rainfall. We were assured by management that the issue had been resolved the last time that it happened, like a year ago.

Cut to this Friday, when I am working from home, and my fiance was dealing with a separate, work-related, shit-maelstrom with the accounting department at his job. The living room ceiling and light fixture (YES, the LIGHT FIXTURE) in our apartment living room starts leaking profusely. Rusty, orange water… since the wiring is obviously FUCKED from prior water damage.

I had a fucking meltdown, as I was working, sending urgent emails to building management, calling the super, etc., and my fiance was still sitting in bed screaming obscenities, in Italian, at his laptop and phone about the incompetent accountant. He was not at all concerned that our leaking light fixture was a fire hazard, on top of being another mess for me to clean, as he was only concerned with his work issue. I had to lay down magazines and a big mixing-bowl underneath the fucked up ceiling to catch and absorb the water. Meanwhile, the sound of constant dripping was driving me INSANE, as my phone and laptop pinged non-stop with work emails. I had a bit of a mental breakdown as a result of my stress, and we got into a heated argument as a result.

Women readers: you all know how it is. We have to handle everything on top of work, on top of regular cleaning and house maintenance, on top of being the social obligations gate-keeper; caretaker of pets, mother (if you have kids). One more stressful situation thrown into the daily mix (especially on top of the shit week we were already having…), and I fucking blew.

At least the rented apartment technically isn’t our problem – someone else has to pay for repairs and coordinate help.

Needless to say though, between the well pump, the car, and the apartment ceiling (the apartment where we spend most of our time), it was a very stressful and expensive week.

I drove upstate alone, with the cats, on Saturday morning (as my fiance had to work on Saturday night – as usual…), as we had planned to finally have my entire family (immediate and extended) over to the new house for a BBQ, about three weeks back. I wasn’t about to cancel, even under the current circumstances.

When I arrived, and after the well pump was replaced on Thursday for $2,000, the water did NOT turn on. The well pump switch was turned on, so I was pretty fucking distraught. I got on facetime with my fiance, who told me I needed to turn up the pressure gauge, which I did, to the same location it had been set at prior to the new pump installation.

Now, the first thing I did when I arrived at the house, alone and with the cats in tow, and after a 2.5 hour drive alone, in the pour rain and in a shitty car with shitty tires that caused me to hydroplane on Pallisades, was take a pee. I discovered the water wasn’t on in the first place, since the toilet didn’t flush. After I turned on the water pressure, I went upstairs to flush the toilet I had peed in, and then turned on the washing machine in the basement.

I kept hearing water running, and thought it was the toilet running for longer than usual after I flushed it, as toilets are sometimes prone to do. About five minutes later and after the sound of running taps continued, I noticed water pooling on the floor in the downstairs bathroom, fast and furiously, outside of the sink cabinet. I opened the cabinet doors, and water (hot water) was spraying from under the sink.

I went into another meltdown (keep in mind that at this point, I was running on 4 hours of sleep having gone out and drank approximately 2 gallons of alcohol the night before with a friend I hadn’t seen in months, had been dealing with emergency situations all week, and was at the house alone, to clean up another wet mess (having spent hours dealing with a leaking ceiling the day before)).

I was on facetime with my fiance when this was going down, as I ran to the basement to shut off the well pump switch, turn off the pressure gauge, and desperately unplug the washing machine. I went back upstairs and the bathroom had 1/2 an inch of water covering the floor. I went back downstairs, and the ceiling tiles in the basement ceiling tiles under the bathroom were totally soaked and leaking onto the carpet.

Meanwhile, in typical man-fashion, my fiance was telling me to “calm down” when I was the only one there to clean the mess, having dealt with water damage the day before, and running on no sleep, and having been arguing all morning to the point that we didn’t kiss goodbye when we went separate days earlier that day.

In fact, I was there that early and alone, just to be there for the chimney sweep to clean and assess the wood stove. He came about 30 minutes after this fiasco, meanwhile my fiance had to call another emergency plumber to deal with the flooded bathroom/sink.

It was not a good day. There was no water while the plumber fixed this shit, and even after water was restored, it was muddy and brown, since the well pump was just replaced. I was thirsty as fuck, and hadn’t thought ahead to bring or buy spring water.

I was also dehydrated from going out the night before and had a raging headache from stress and alcohol consumption and no sleep.

The plumber deduced that the 30-year old gasket under the bathroom sink had blown when the pressure came on. Lucky us.

I took a bath in muddy, brown water that night, since I smelled like an old billy goat’s nut-sack and had no other options. My family came the next day for the BBQ, and we had a great time hosting, despite the tap water still being sligthtly brown from the nuew well pump.

Thank god for my family. I don’t know what I would do without them.

The Milano Diet

I hate Milan and I don’t ever want to go back. It is an ugly city – a handful of old buildings and architecture, mixed with mostly modern buildings. I probably just had a bad experience. My fiance was able to get a last-minute appointment with a famous tattoo artist in Milan last summer, and that’s the only reason we went there for the day/night. I had to entertain myself for 6 hours all day while he was getting tattooed. I don’t speak Italian, I’ve never been to Milan. I walked in a large circle for 9 hours.

It was like NYC without the crackheads or lip fillers. Every woman was skeletal. Like… I felt fat all day. I think they subsist on a diet of cigarettes and nothing else. Even the old women were skeletons. The only friendly interaction I had was a gay man at Sephora who sold me a perfume and was extra nice but only because I was buying shit on a Tuesday morning. LOL. Do Italian women eat? I don’t think they do… I think they live on cigarettes, at least in Milan.

Anyhow…. I hate this world. But that’s old news. It doesn’t help that I’ve been following an incredibly distressing story about some fucking degenerate abusing a puppy as he rides the subway and no one has stepped in to help. I don’t think I could hate humans anymore than I do tonight. Why has no one called 911? Why hasn’t this guy been apprehended??? WTF is wrong with humans? I am for the death penalty for anyone who abuses animals… fuck them. I don’t know why I follow all of these local animal rescue groups when they make me want to kill people and lose faith in all of humanity. My heart is broken daily with the stories I read… some people are fucking sick.

Anyhow… I digress. I think I really need a vacation at this point. I am losing steam.

Depeche Mode Depression

I need a reason to dress like this every day

The Depeche Mode concert that I had been living for for the past seven months of my life (yes, it was the only thing motivating me and keeping me going some MOST days) has come and gone, and I am back to square one: depressed, unmotivated, hostile, vicious, disgusted with society and the world around me…. just kidding (but not really…).

I think I may need to book tickets for the concert they’ll be playing in October, just to keep my morale and spirits high in these dark times. I might have to sell a kidney on the black market first to afford the tickets (I need better seats next time), but it might be worth it at this point.

The concert at Madison Square Garden on April 14th was so, so good. I waited years to see Depeche Mode perform live, and it was well worth the wait! I still regret missing them when they last played in 2017, but I definitely could not have afforded even nose-bleed seats back then, given my paltry salary. If you like Depeche Mode, I’d say it is worth going into debt to see them perform… life is short.

Despite the Depeche Mode concert having passed, I have a ton of other concerts lined up for Summer. I’m going to see Bush next Sunday, which should be a fun just because concerts are fun as a general rule of thumb. I’m pretty ambivalent about seeing them live; I loved a few songs as a teenager, but I don’t know any of their new music. I’ll be seeing Hollywood Vampires play at Bethel Woods on June 1st; hopefully the weather is good since it’s an open-air venue. I took two days off work to go away for the night, so that is definitely something to look forward to. Getting out of work is always a plus.

I’m going to see Tori Amos at the end of June at the Beacon Theater (one of the loveliest venues, in my opinion). This is another artist I’ve been waiting a lifetime to see, and also missed the opportunity to do so when she performed in Brooklyn last year. The next concert I’m REALLY stoked for though, is Guns n’ Roses in August. We have pit tickets, so that is going to be an experience. This concert will definitely be a fun time and memorable experience.

I feel like I’ve had so much making up to do, what with concerts being cancelled and postponed and reschedules for 2.5 years during the pandemic. I love a good concert… especially when it’s an artist I’ve been listening to forever. I love the feeling of excitement and community at a concert. I’d rather go to a concert than a rave or party any day. I am over partying in NYC these days anyhow… the scene sucks, the drugs are shit, the prices for everything from the tickets to the water bottles to the Ubers are out of control. Big parties just aren’t worth it anymore. Plus, with so little free time, who wants to be hungover or all fucked up on a Sunday when it’s the only day you have off with your significant other each week? My time is too precious and time is moving too fast these days.

One of my favorite parts of going to a concert is finding the perfect outfit. These velvet, low-rise bell bottoms have been waiting in my closet for over a year to be worn; Depeche Mode was the perfect opportunity… despite the fact that it was 86 degrees that day. Global warming, am I right?

I haven’t written a blog in a while because I’ve been working on what was going to be a short story, but has since turned into the beginnings of a book. I’m not sure if I’ll share it here or what will become of it. It’s pretty explicit and also pretty vicious; but that’s who I am. Take me or leave me, the choice is yours. In a world where Roald Dahl books are being revised for what are now considered indiscretions in “offensive” language, I am going to be myself and not censor my thoughts or words in my writing. If this book was to ever be published, I’d probably be cancelled, so I’m going to need a pen name. This book will offend people, but perhaps some people need to be offended in order to step back and take a good, long, hard look at their own behaviors and actions (or inaction, in some cases), and resolve to be a better person.

I haven’t written about food here in a while, certainly not a recipe. I haven’t cooked anything note-worthy in a while; the weather is getting too hot to use the oven, I’m on a diet (when am I not?), and my fiance is also making an effort to continue his fitness and healthy-eating regime, so fatty sauces and pasta dishes haven’t been on the menu lately. I could be like some others and post a basic bitch recipe for lemonade or a salad, but hopefully you’re smart enough and creative enough to know how to do those things without a recipe.

On another note, I am happy low-rise is “back in style” (even though I never stopped rocking it). I’m ready for a Summer of walking around with pants down to my pubic bone and my ass-crack exposed every time I bend over to pick something up or sit down at a restaurant. What a time to be alive! Even the ugly cargo pants I wore as a 14 year old are back in style! Good thing I saved mine:

Glad that my mom never tossed these 2003 Abercrombie cargo pants that I’ve sat in the dresser drawer at my parents’ house for the last 20 years…. now I can be as cool as Gen Z LOL

On another note, I need to leave this city and America as soon as possible. There are too many psychos walking the streets these days. I was harassed/assaulted by a young man on a motorcycle crossing the Williamsburg bridge on Saturday. He was driving his motorcycle on the pedestrian path (I was walking to Williamsburg and he was driving towards Manhattan), and I turned around to attempt to take a video of him speeding away on his motorcycle. He circled back around on his motorcycle and cornered me (he was still on his bike and had me cornered up against a wall of construction fencing) and threatened me, screaming “why did you take a video of me? You better delete that fucking video!” He kept riding on his bike while I tried to escape/continue walking ahead. He finally left when more pedestrians were approaching in either direction. I thought about grabbing my pepper spray, but any man violent and hostile enough to corner a woman on his motorcycle is also probably willing to punch, stab or shoot them. I called 911 as soon as he drove off to report it, and hauled ass the rest of the way home.

A police officer was sent to meet me at the end of the bridge, but I beat them off and kept speed-walking until I was home. I got a call from the local precinct asking if I wanted to come in and report the incident, but what are they going to do? They’re worthless. I just hope this man crashed and died or will in the near future. The world does not need people like this walking around. First of all, he was endangering everyone walking on the PEDESTRIAN path by being on a motorcycle and going 40 MPH across the bridge. Second of all, for him to threaten me, corner me and harass me because he did something wrong, is out of line. He’s probably on parole all ready and was scared I had his face in the video (I literally had a 1 second clip of his back as he sped away). I haven’t been that scared in a long time (not since a deranged, high AF homeless lady grabbed me by the hair last summer).

This country needs help. The people of this country need mental help.

On that note, stay safe out there kids. Cheers!

Everyone is a Bit Salty Sometimes

Last time I wrote an entry, I was feeling pretty salty. I spent my actual B-day alone feeling sorry for myself; a certain someone got the wrong present, told me they’d be out of work early and didn’t arrive home until midnight, and nothing was going the way I wanted it to. What can I say? We all get a bit salty from time to time, and if there’s any day you’re allowed to be surly, I’d say it’s on your bday when things don’t go as planned.

I celebrated my bday yesterday to make up for Saturday. It was tame… I want a three-day bender.

At least dinner was good. We went to Crave Fishbar – we had some decadent caviar oysters, crab cocktail, raw clams, and I had this delicious Thai lobster curry as my entree

Yesterday afternoon, we drove to Redhook for lunch at Brooklyn Crab: more oysters, per my birthday wishes. I’m a simple person… it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

My cat, Tuna, celebrated his 4th bday yesterday. He has been doing this weird and highly annoying teeth-grinding/air-chewing thing recently. He used to do it when he was hungry, but now he does it ALL THE TIME. I hope nothing is wrong with him. I made an appointment for him at the vet upstate next week. I’m sure he will need a $2,000 dental cleaning that isn’t covered by insurance. FML. This is why I am perpetually broke. It is impossible to save in this world even at a higher salary. I guess I’ll still be working at 80… if the world hasn’t imploded by then.

Birthday twins (almost). Both problematic and troubled AF

This week at work is going to be hell. I’m off today for President’s Day, but based on the amount of emails coming in when the office is closed, I can just tell that it’s going to be a shit show this week. Whatever – hopefully I do some good overtime. Lord knows I’ll need the extra cash to pay for whatever dental work or medical care my cat may need.

After dinner last night, we went to the new Ritz Carlton to check out the bar. It was pretty luxurious, and so were the cocktail prices. Not my style or crowd, but the bathroom was awesome. I want to live in the bathroom:

It was a pretty quiet birthday (not that they all aren’t lately).

It’s my Birthday and I’ll be a Bitch If I Want to

This is 35, with the help of hair dye, botox and a little lip filler (just enough to restore me to how I used to look). Cheers kids… enjoy your collagen while it lasts

I have minimal expectations for my birthday… and every year is a still a disappointment, despite my minimal expectations. I have almost no expectations at this point in my life when it comes to my birthday, and somehow I still end up hurt and bitter almost every February 18th. I don’t ask for a lot… in fact, I ask for very little. I told my fiance exactly what I wanted, and he failed to buy me “Tiny Music: Songs from the Vatican Gift Shop” STP album. Instead, knowing that I love Depeche Mode (at least he got that right…), he purchased what he thought was a framed, signed photo of the band. A simple Google search of that shit brought me to the site where he bought it and it says in CLEAR writing, that the autographs are a copy. He’s a straight man… I can’t get too mad; straight men aren’t the most competent. He did buy me the correct Depeche Mode album (Violater), but now the brand new record player my parents got me for Christmas has a distorted sound. It worked fine last time I used it, which was earlier this week. Like, WTF? Can nothing ever go smoothly? It’s my birthday and all I want is to listen to the soothing, melancholic sounds of Dave Gahan’s voice and my fucking record player is slowing down the music, making it sound slightly demonic. The BPM setting is correct; I tried cleaning the needle, and that didn’t work. I ordered new styluses online, but they won’t be here for a week. I hope a new needle fixes it… it’s a great record player, and I’ve asked everyone in my family for new records for my bday – now I can’t even listen to them.

My fiance also failed to plan/book a dinner reservation for tomorrow (since of course, he is FUCKING WORKING today, on my actual birthday). Now, the only fucking restaurant I wanted to go to is fully booked. All I want are oysters and cocktails from Maison Premiere. It’s one of my favorites….it’s small, pretty, cozy, the food is great, the drinks are strong, but, no. Fully booked on a random Sunday in February. I considered Sel Rrose because they have oysters, good cocktails and a seafood tower, but I refuse to dine somewhere that charges $15 for fries. Lick my ballz.

Yes, there are toxic chemicals polluting Ohio and killing wildlife and infiltrating the water. Yes, Putin has decimated all of Ukraine and the threat of nuclear war looms heavy. Yes, there are toxic chemicals in our orange juice and microplastics in our blood streams and we are all going to get cancer. Yes, 30K people died in Turkey and Syria from an earthquake. Yes, children are starving to death in Africa and Afghanistan. Yes, people in Iran and Russian are being sent to jail and/or death for attending protests. Yes, we are in the middle of a mass extinction and experiencing a scorching hot Earth because humans are disgusting pigs and we all deserve what we have coming: DEATH. Death? I welcome it at this point, if it means escaping current society. But for fucks’ sake… I just wanted one day, MY day to go right. And all I needed for that were oysters and a Stone Temple Pilots record.

Like I said though, my birthday always sucks. In 2017, my parents were in town that weekend, but we didn’t even go out to dinner – we ordered in Thai food because my nephew was only a few months old and someone failed to get a sitter or just take one for the team and have one parent stay home with the newborn. My iPhone also shit the bed that year on my birthday night, and I had to go to Verizon at 7PM to buy a new one… which I then dropped in the bath tub (thankfully it was OK).

When I was in high school, my best friend forgot my birthday every year. It’s always the people that I think will be the first to wish me a happy birthday that totally forget. You’re an adult, set a fucking reminder in your phone like I do to remember friends and families birthdays. We are all busy adults, but you can set a reminder a year in advance. On that note, some online friends and people I’m not that close to remembered my birthday… so, that is something happy. Thank you people who actually listen to me and take note.

I want to leave this country. There is a new mass shooting every day, no one even keeps track or remembers them anymore. You could die anywhere, the subway, the grocery store, a movie theater, your office…. this is no way to live. The amount of garbage and pollution and toxic chemicals and plastics infiltrating all aspects of life. The Far Right and the Far Left are equally as bad at this point. Like, I am pretty liberal, but why are we banning words like “ugly” and “fat” in new issues of Roald Dhal books? As if kids are never going to hear these words and much, MUCH worse probably directed at them by some little shithead they go to school with. Why are people vilifying J.K. Rowling? She is not against trans people, she supports trans people and their rights, she said that women, natural-born women, deserve safe spaces like women only violence shelters that are exclusively for them. But no, we live in a lazy world where no one researches their news or facts. Not on either side of the political divide. I’m so over this nation and everyone in it. No one has a brain anymore.

I went to the Meat Hook to buy duck breast to cook for my cat’s birthday, which is tomorrow. I figure if I’m not having the perfect birthday, at least I can give him a great day. They literally had one duck breast left. So I guess it is truly just for my cats now. No duck breast for me or my fiance… for the best. I’m trying to go vegan (again/still), but I will allow myself bivalves since they don’t have central nervous systems, hence, why I wanted oysters for my bday.

Everyday mood in my STP shirt and L.L. Bean that I bought and then stole from my dad. Grunge never died… it lives on in the best of humanity.

Cheers kids. This world is fucked, so take advice from a millennial such as myself and enjoy every day like it could be your last (because it could be). Don’t take anything too seriously because everything and everyone is/are always changing. You can’t control anything in this world apart from how you treat others and how you treat yourself.

Trigger-Warning Friday Night Thoughts

It’s Friday night, and I’m out for a walk because I have nothing better to do.

I see all of the couples and groups of friends headed out for happy-hour drinks; I’ve also passed by several bar windows where a solitary person drinks alone at the bar.

I am craving a celebratory, end-of-the-workweek drink, or five. The “five” part is why I’m on a break.

How is it that some hours pass by so slowly, but some weeks, months or even years fly by in a blink? I was out for a walk earlier this afternoon, and it seems like a lifetime ago. This afternoon I spent sedentary, working at my laptop while the sun went down in a spectacular fashion that I nearly missed. I ran up to the roof when I saw a red glow in the windows of the high-rises across the street and knew the sunset must be amazing. It seems like the hours in between my two walks were an entire week’s worth of time.

I gave a homeless man $10 tonight, but only because he had a dog sitting on his lap.

I’m entertaining thoughts of xxxxxxx and Xxxx but instead I corral my train of thought to the units of Botox I’ll be injecting into my forehad on Monday morning, and exactly how much that’s going to cost me. When did I become this person? When did I get this old?

I decided not to cross under the BQE and walk through Greenpoint tonight, as has been my go-to walking route for the last couple of months. I walked earlier today, and I don’t need to go that far. But then again, how am I going to pass the time once I’m back home?!

I would love to cook something extravagant, but my fiance won’t eat it all, and I am also on a diet: trying to lose the same 10 lbs I’ve lost and gained, and lost and gained, over and over again for the last eleven years of my life. The same ten pounds that determine whether I look skeletal or curvy, at my height.

My fiance keeps asking me what I want for my birthday next month: I want snow, and I want the thigh-gap that I had in Fall of 2018. Simple things, really – but two things he cannot possibly wrap up and hand to me come February 18th.

The warm weather fucks with my head much like the malfunctioning bathroom scale does. As a person who spends a lot of time living in my own head and imagination, it is hard to conjure up pleasant winter memories of the past or even future winter scenarios when it is a balmy Spring day in January. Global warming will destroy us all, and we deserve it. Humanity has been a scourge on this earth for the last couple of hundred years.

What am I going to do when I get home?! I have the energy to walk another 8 miles, but I’ve walked these same streets on a loop for the past 11 years, and I’m bored by the same sights and smells.

I’m bored with life sometimes. That is my problem. I honestly think this is why people have kids – boredom. I would be lying if I said I haven’t considered what life would be like with a child in my advanced age – having a kid. But there is no way in hell I am ever going to survive being pregnant for almost 10 months. I also don’t want my future child dying in a water war or nuclear holocaust or wide-spread famine. I also do all of the household work and emotional labor now, and can’t imagine having a kid on top of all of this work I already do. I’d be doing all of the child-rearing.

If I had one super power, it would be to eat whatever I want and never gain weight. Right now, I’d eat an entire, large Margarita pizza from Rome to Brooklyn. Those of you who doubt I could do so, clearly don’t know me. This is why I don’t have a thigh-gap right now.

I really, really want a cocktail. A cosmo would hit the spot, or that purple gin drink that they do at Citroen in Greenpoint. I’m jonesing…

At least I’m not tweaking.

I am really considering going to the liquor store. One drink. One, celebratory, end-of-the-workweek cocktail. Drugs have no calories though…

My mind is not normal.

These are the thoughts I entertain daily. How many calories are in a cosmo? Too many. Maybe a vodka seltzer would be a better option.

I am home now, listening to the Dandy Warhols and reliving ages 21-22. Funny how music brings you right back to where you were and who you were with when you heard it. What you were feeling… I love music. It is one thing I have always been and always will be passionate about.

Depeche Mode concert is in t-minus 4 months as of tomorrow. Must get skeletal.

I have a new record player and five new records. Maybe I can take up record shopping in used record stores as a hobby. I need a hobby that is healthy and not expensive though. All of my hobbies are expensive and/or not healthy; or they straight up bore me. Maybe I’m boring…

Isn’t that what they say? “If you’re bored it’s because you are boring”?

Orange Soup and More Boredom

Last weekend I visited a friend in Shelter Island; it was a brief but much needed 24-hours spent out of the city. We made an amazing dinner and had a very cold walk along the beach. If I was rich, I’d definitely buy in Shelter Island before buying in the Hamptons.

My friend is now out of the country for a few weeks so she gave me all of the veggies in her fridge to use up in her absence. Last night after my walk, I needed to cook, so I decided to make soup using all of the veggies I had, which all happened to be orange. I puréed the soup, and it turned out to be one of the best soups I’ve ever made – using a random mix of orange veggies. So here is the recipe for what I call “orange soup”. It’s also healthy and eats like a meal if you throw in some bread or croutons (I’ve also been on a focaccia making kick this week).

What I am calling “orange soup” – fucking excellent, if I do say so myself. For those of you on diets, it’s also healthy!

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 shallot, minced
  • 3 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 3 carrots (chopped)
  • 2 orange bell peppers (chopped – make sure to strip seeds and white ribs)
  • 2 large stalks of celery (finely chopped)
  • 1 large sweet potato (peeled, and cut into small cubes)
  • 1 large Idaho (or white/yellow variety potato) (peeled and cut into cubes)
  • 1 box organic and free-range chicken stock or vegetable stock
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 2 TBS curry powder
  • 1 TBS turmeric
  • 1 TBS smoked paprika
  • 2 Tsp cumin
  • 1 TBS granulated sugar or honey
  • pinch of cayenne
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1/2 cup oat milk or dairy alternative of your choice
  • enough olive oil to coat the bottom of your large soup pot (1/4 cup?)
  • OPTIONAL (to serve): finely chopped spring onions and/or small dollop of sour cream

DIRECTIONS:

  • Coat the bottom of a large soup pot with olive oil and turn to low heat
  • Add in minced shallot and celery and saute on low heat for 4 min., stirring occasionally
  • Add in minced garlic and bay leaf, cook over low heat for another 2 minutes
  • Add in chopped peppers and cook over low heat for another 3 minutes
  • Add in entire box of stock, plus 1-1.5 cups water and turn heat to high
  • Add in curry powder, smoked paprika, and turmeric
  • once water is boiling, add in chopped carrots and potatoes and boil over medium heat for 10-15 minutes or until potatoes are soft (you can either test with a fork or sample one to make sure it’s soft)
  • Once all veggies are cooked through, remove bay leaf
  • Blend entire contents of pot in a blender over medium heat (you’ll likely have to blend 1/3 of the soup at a time, and add blended mix back into pot as you use a ladle to scoop out chunks to blend) ***It’s OK if the soup has some chunks – texture is good, mmm’kay, class?***
  • Once the soup is blended, continue to cook over medium-low heat and add in sugar, oat milk, salt/pepper, and pinch of cayenne
  • OBVIOUSLY you’ll want to taste your soup to see if it needs more of any ingredient
  • Once the soup tastes to your liking, remove from heat and serve in a bowl with finely chopped spring onions and/or a small dollop of sour cream
  • Enjoy 🙂

I love soup, but you all know this if you know me. I am a soup junkie; I could live on it. Maybe I would lose weight if I lived on soup…probably not though – that’s my luck.

Mushroom Barley

I made mushroom barely earlier this week. I fucking love the combo of sour cream and dill (must be the 1/4 Pole in me) so I topped it with that. I am also a sucker for any soup that contains loads of fiber, because I basically consume 1/2 a jumbo-sized pot at a time, and need to make sure I’m going to lose the weight the next day (if you know what I’m saying). Barley and lentils are my go-to ingredients for soup. I’ve been itching to make a seafood chowder or bisque, but unfortunately dairy substitutes don’t cut it for those (in my opinion). They are also high in fat and calories due to the butter-flour roux and heavy cream content. In a perfect world, I’d be eating a thick, seafood chowder every day. Now I am sitting her dreaming of crab corn chowder…

I feel slightly better than I have been feeling since I finally have some fresh hair. My roots and whites were coming in strong. My natural hair is basically dirty blonde at this point in my life. I don’t know how I went from a red-headed child to this, but I don’t like it. I finally squeezed in a couple of hours for my fiance to dye my hair (yes, he’s better than most of the hairdressers I’ve been to, and free LOL).

I’d also like to thank E-Salon, for nailing my color

My natural color at this point is the color of my eyebrows but with heavy white thrown in around the temples. Not a good look for me. Also, why the fuck are the white hairs a totally different texture than my other hairs? Like, they’re coarse and unruly… pubes coming out of my scalp. Sorry for that graphic image.

I really need someone to cook for. Maybe I should open a soup kitchen LOL.