Make up your mind Decide to walk with me Around the lake tonight Around the lake tonight By my side By my side I’m not gonna lie I’ll not be a gentleman Behind the boathouse I’ll show you my dark secret I’m not gonna lie I want you for mine My blushing bride My lover, be my lover, yeah
Possum Kingdom, The Toadies
Do you want to die? I mean, sometimes I think it might be a more gentle option than the current state of affairs. Am I suicidal? No. Do I understand why Anthony Bourdain hung himself in a hotel room? Sometimes I feel like I do.
There is nothing I can say that hasn’t been better said at this point. “I told you so” seems to be the most appropriate phrase right now, given the last few months, although anyone brainwashed by Fox news and in the MAGA cult can’t see that our democracy, freedom and country is caving in on them. So saying “I told you so” would be over their head.
How do you continue to go about life and go to work 5 days a week when the country that you were born and raised in, the country that was once the so-called “leader of the free world” is turning into Russia or North Korea? I’m not sure… because at this point, I still go to work to get my pay check so that I can pay my bills and retain health insurance, but I am so mentally checked out.
I was raised in the age of “girl power”… women can do anything men do. I saw even in my own lifetime advances for women – in the work place, women being listened to and taken seriously, more awareness and punishment for harassment and sexual assault… more freedoms and acceptance to be who you are and to wear what you want. Now, I see all of these things being stripped away.
A rapist is the president of the United States. A racist, rapist, scamming, scheming, selfish fraud. A clown. How did it get to this point? I can’t help but wonder how many people who voted for him never watched the news or read any paper other than maybe the NYPost. How gullible and naive and ill-informed could anyone BUT a white billionaire man be to vote for this asshole?
It sickens me to think of the brainwashed, oppressed people who voted for this man, actually believing he cared about them and wanted to help them… believing he would make this country better. Now, we are all paying the price… our nation is paying the price. And things will get much much worse, before (and IF) they ever get better again.
I honestly cannot believe people are still willingly getting pregnant and having kids in this world. It is absolutely doomed… between climate change (and everything that climate change will cause: failed crops, intolerable heat, natural disasters), pollution (cuts to the EPA, forever chemicals and microplastics causing cancer in young adults and children), disappearing water sources due to drought (goodbye Colorado River and reservoirs), cuts to the FDA, FAA, federal funding for public schools, funding for scientific research and USAID funding, rights for women, the LGBTQ community, rights for immigrants fleeing violence and famine in their home countries, and the fact that we will likely never have another fair election again, it just blows my mind that anyone would want to bring an innocent child into this world.
I am 37 years old and in my life time I’ve seen enough shit to make me wish I’d never been born at all (to quote Freddy Mercury). I had a good childhood and early adult hood compared to most of this world’s population, and I still struggled. It’s only getting worse.
The world is overpopulated with humans and we are destroying everything that supports us. I feel so bad for all of the innocent wildlife and animals losing their homes, being hunted and driven to extinction by human encroachment and deforestation. How can we live without trees? How can we live without clean water? We can’t… and we deserve whatever we have coming. Whether that is widespread crop failure and famine, water shortage due to drought and pollution, or nuclear war… which at this point, seems like it will come first.
I wish I could turn a blind eye. I wish I was more positive and hopeful. But I see what is happening around me… how much things have changed for the worse even in my lifetime. It’s scary. It’s scary that I have no control. The best I can do is find like-minded people to talk to and spend time with. The best I can do is to help people and animals when presented the opportunity to make a small difference in someone else’s life. I cannot convince the world to care. I sometimes wonder if this is all a bad dream… it sure does feel that way sometimes.
… and ugly on the outside. That’s how I’ve been feeling these days. I think the ill-will of the world is wearing on me. Just when you think things can’t possibly get worse, they somehow do. I’m not talking about for me, personally (per se), but the state of this world and society.
I don’t need to go into details; anyone who reads or watches the news knows exactly what I’m talking about. The economy is currently shit, inflation makes day-to-day survival a struggle for the majority, and not only is war in Ukraine still raging, famines happening in Afghanistan and Africa, but now we have genocide happening against the Palestinians in Gaza (after a sickening terrorist attack by Hamas – but, this doesn’t justify the killing of 11,000 innocent civilians – the majority of whom are helpless children, followed by women and civilians who ARE not part of the terrorist organization).
I’m also so sick of all of these keyboard warriors who see themselves as woke AF, and continually post a stream of liberal news links and clips on their IG feeds, but don’t lift a fucking finger in real life to aid the cause or help make a difference locally. The same people who post about saving animals from factory farming or stopping war, don’t so much as join a real-life protest or rescue the freezing stray cat next-door to their apartment. So many posturing hypocrites out there these days… if you really cared about making a difference, you’d take a break from recycling the same posts we are all seeing anyhow, and go DO something.
This world sickens me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if women truly ruled the world (i.e. were in positions of power, the head of states, the politicians, the billionaires, the generals, the scientists…), war would not exist. At least not in a physical state where people bomb, shoot, and indiscriminately destroy people.
Not only is the US basically engaged in WWIII and supporting genocide at this point, but the societal collapse has definitely begun, and no where is it more apparent than in my ratchet neighborhood. Literally everyone on the street seems to have mental illness, substance abuse issues, and seems to be a violent offender these days.
Don’t even get my started on the increase in people abandoning pets and abusing pets they never should have got in the first place, since they’re abusive and can’t even afford themselves. Nothing makes me angrier or more sick to my stomach. Why do people who cannot even afford to take care of themselves have kids or bring home animals that they cannot afford to feed, take to the vet/doctor, or properly carefore??? Do they want to make life more difficult than it already is? Furthermore, if you don’t love animals and want your pet for a companion, why do you want it at all? To kick around and take your anger out on? People are so fucking demented I can’t…. I wish I could beat up the people who hurt and abandon animals, or do MUCH MUCH worse.
The older I get, the more I think that people should need to take tests and procure licenses in order to become parents or pet owners; and the government should have organizations that occasionally do surprise visits to all licensed individuals’ homes to make sure the pets and/or kids are being properly cared for.
Poverty and abuse begets poverty and abuse. It’s a sick cycle, and here in East Williamsburg/Bushwick, I have sadly witnessed the cycle first hand.
The latest local sighting causing me strife, is the cat in the smoke shop where Grand Street and Graham Ave. intersect. The smoke shop opened in Spring of this year, and only a couple weeks after they opened, I noticed a cat tree in the corner and two small kittens.
Just seeing that this ratchet smoke shop had kittens already made me worried, but then later in the summer, the fact that they let the cats go in and out onto the busy sidewalk on such a busy intersection, really rubbed me the wrong way. But, not my cats right? Not my place to say something as a stranger, right?
Well, lately, I’ve noticed one of the cats is MIA from the window (the orange and white one), and last night, I noticed the black and white cat limping when it went across the smoke shop floor, as I walked by and looked into the window. I thought about going into the shop then and there, but I was already exploding inside and on the verge of tears. Ladies – you know that feeling when you’re angry and fuming, but also want to explode into tears (or do explode into tears) because you know there is nothing you can do to resolve your anger or be heard and taken seriously? Yeah.
[update: just walked by smoke shop and orange cat is alive!!! I’ll walk by tomorrow to check on the limping cat again and maybe I’ll go in and pretend I’m looking for a bowl or something just so I can ask about the cat without being weird]
There were a group of ratchet local men hanging out inside near the counter when I saw the injured cat go across the floor. What am I going to do as a white woman alone if I go in? They’ll think I’m a Karen who’s sticking her nose in someone else’s business if I go in and question strangers about their cat. I walked by again today and the cat was asleep on its cat tree in the corner. There was another group of men hanging out near the counter and I didn’t feel comfortable going in alone to ask about the cat. I need to find a tactful and gracious way to approach this situation. It doesn’t help that I’m not a smoker and smoke shops disgust me (we have one every fucking block in the city these days). Imagine If I could just openly do bumps of coke or pop MDMA on the streets? I’m not sure how getting all fucked up is acceptable and blowing second hand smoke into the faces of strangers is acceptable…. although, I have seen people shooting up heroin on curbs and subway steps midday, so maybe it is acceptable now, IDK. I digress though…
I’m not sure how to inquire about this cat, since I am genuinely concerned about its welfare, without being viewed as a nosy, white bitch.
Given the state of the economy and my neighborhood, it’s no wonder that no one really gives a shit about animals – especially ones that are not theirs. How can you care about a random cat on the street or a neglected bodega cat, when you can’t even take your own cat to the vet, buy winter coats for your kids, or pay your rent??? This economy is in a sad state lately.
I don’t know how people feed families. I can hardly feed me, my fiance, and my two cats these days without going into debt. And by all standards, I make decent money (maybe “good” in other parts of the country… not NYC, I guess…). It’s all so fucked up. I’m going to be back to the days when I had to decide between a roll of paper towels or coffee creamer if inflation continues to go higher. I’m serious….
On a much more superficial note, back to the Hole – referenced title of this blog (Courtney Love, for you cretins who don’t know good music). I have been feeling so ugly lately. I think it’s a combination of depression and anxiety honestly, brought on by the current state of the world. The world truly seems hopeless lately. Humanity is clearly a lost cause.
I’ve been feeling so unattractive. I stopped drinking during the week (I have drank the last two weekends, but am sober Monday – Friday), thinking that maybe it will help me lose the weight I’ve seemed to slowly put on over the last few years. I thought it might improve my mood as well. It has improved my energy levels, but not my dour outlook on life. I feel like my mind is also functioning at a slightly higher caliber than it was when I was drinking during the week. But I feel uglier than ever. Old, and ugly.
As if a slowing metabolism and changing body-fat distribution wasn’t enough, my face seems to have lost all sharpness (not that it was ever “snatched”, but I certainly had more semblance of cheekbones and jawline than I do now). My face is fat and round, and beginning to fall. No amount of botox is going to lift my sagging jowls and eyes. I saw some candid photos someone took of me recently, and I look like Lady Gaga, and NOT the only attractive version of Lady Gaga, when she was in her Alejandro phase…. I look like a chubby, lady gaga, minus the talent. I’m considering cheek filler, but it’s fucking expensive, and knowing my luck, it would just make my face look even fatter….
It sucks feeling this way when you’re trying to plan your wedding. All I keep dwelling on is how thin and fresh-faced I would have been if only I’d been getting married 5 years ago, when I was 30. How did things go downhill so fast? Not that I ever considered myself “pretty”, but at least I used to be skinny.
Now, I have to fucking work to be thin, and even then, I’m no where near as thin as I was (granted I was also eating one meal a day back then….). Oopsie.
Now I just don’t have the willpower to starve myself anymore. I don’t know what changed. I guess I got lazy… lazy and fucking HUNGRY (all the TIME). I’m hoping cutting out alcohol might help.
Anyhow, when I was a little girl dreaming of her wedding (and you can ask my mom, I wanted to get married at age 3 after watching The Little Mermaid, so I’ve been dreaming about my wedding for a LONG time…), I never dreamed I’d be a 36-year old, peri-menopausal woman looking at slinky wedding dresses, and needing to plan the best time to get fresh botox before my big day. Like if I got married 5 years ago, I would have looked great in any wedding dress (not to toot my own horn, but looking back, I was certainly in my PRIME). We only see how attractive we were in retrospect.
Oh well. I will be 36 when I finally get married (if we are all still alive next year), and now I have to actually worry about how my boobs will look in a low-cut silk gown and when to get botox before the big day. Fun times! I’m clearly an ageist against even myself, but hey – this is how society brain-washed me to be, as a woman. It’s not my fault that society told me I should be young, fresh-faced, fertile and under the age of 35 when I walk down the aisle.
Speaking of kids, I really can’t believe people are still having kids and getting pregnant in the year 2023, but that’s just my educated opinion. Ignorance is bliss, am I right?
Cheers bitches.
Emaciated 30-year old Kelsey was ready to rock any wedding dress… now I have to worry about how my boobs will hang under white satin….
Clearly I was living on a diet of air….
2018 Kelsey better take a backseat, because 2024 Kelsey 2.0 is coming back with a vengeance….
I have become the type of girl/woman I always felt bad for. The one that says stuff like “I used to be skinny! Look: ” and then proceeds to pull up pictures on their iPhone and show you what they looked like 5 years ago, as if you doubted them, or as if you even care what they weigh(ed) or look(ed) like at all. I once worked with another manager at Hollister who was like that. I would watch her eat bags of Wawa Old Bay potato chips, and get Friendly’s burgers and fries every day for lunch, and then literally cry because she kept gaining weight. She would pull up old pictures and show them to everyone in the manager’s office with her, and be like “but I used to be so skinny!!!”. I feel like that is me now, and I don’t like who I have become. This sounds like a scene from Mean Girls, but the Abercrombie/Hollister stores were a breeding ground of eating disorders and low self esteem for employees and a competition of who was the thinnest most of the time I worked there.
Getting older is a bitch though, and I am not even going through menopause (YET). You don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone. I know I should appreciate what I have now – a functional, strong, body. I am healthy. yada yada yada…. no one ever told me my metabolism would shit the bed at 32, or that the bottle of wine I drank every other day during COVID times would catch up to me LOL. JK. (but not really).
Annndddd … I just spilled hot coffee on this keyboard…. #WINNING!!!! <— This actually just about sums up my last two months, if not my entire life…
Despite the title of this blog, there isn’t really much to catch up on to be honest… the last two months have flown by at lightning speed, as all months tend to do once you’re over a certain age. I never believed my parents or grandparents regarding ‘how fast time goes the older you grow.’ It wasn’t until I hit about 25 that I began to experience this strange phenomenon first-hand. The last seven years are a blur, punctuated only by precious moments and mental stills – both good and bad – nights, sunrises, people, lessons learned, the highs and the lows; experiences and memories that I wouldn’t trade-in for anything else. I feel like the last seven years basically happened in the span of one or two.
I think we finally become our “true self” around the age of 25-26. Before this age, you’re still a kid and don’t really know what’s up, because you just haven’t lived long enough or experienced enough or even met enough people to shape you yet. I think our personality kind of solidifies by the time we hit 26 or so…. I still feel like the same person inside at the age of 32 that I did when I was 26. I guess this is also the sad reason that elderly people look in the mirror and are shocked by the reflection they see once they hit a certain age – because even though their body is betraying them by aging physically, they still feel not a day over 26 on the inside. Such is life. My mom always says that ‘youth is wasted on the young’, and she’s not wrong.
This is 32. I figure I’ve only got a few decent years left in me before I start resorting to fillers (**if I can ever even afford them) and healthy living (i.e. green juices, yoga, no more partying, actual work-outs…). I’ve been wearing SPF all these years and avoiding the sun, so at least I have that going for me. It’s definitely hard being a woman and getting older though. I know we hear female celebrities saying this all the time… but it is SO SO true, and I’m not even technically “middle-aged” yet. There is so much pressure to not only stay young (literally impossible to do), but also to stay looking young (which takes effort and possibly money, if you have enough to spend on treatments, the best skin care, etc.).
Despite society telling us that as women, we are only valuable when we’re still young and attractive (and given how shitty that can make you feel inside once you start getting white hairs and fine lines), getting older is a blessing. I feel more confident and more grounded than ever. I know who I am and who I want to be, and I am less selfish and foolish than I was in my twenties. To grow older is a gift and an opportunity that many people will never have. So remember that next time you bitch about turning 30, or whatever age. Some of your peers didn’t get a chance to turn 30.
We all have this idea in our head when we’re younger, of where we will be at a certain age. When I was 25, I definitely thought I’d be married by my current age, possibly a home owner, and definitely working at a more fulfilling and creative job. Even if I am not where I once thought I’d be, I am happy to be where I am. Even with the outside pressure that is put upon me by others and by society, I am OK with where I am right now in this time and place. I sometimes feel like it is easier to grow older in a major city like NYC (at least up until a certain point), especially when you have failed to meet the stereotypical “milestones” set by society. If I were this age and living upstate right now (or in any small, rural town in America), I think I would be bored out of my mind, since almost everyone I know or went to school with is married and has kids now. I don’t think I’d have any friends to go out with or who share the same interests as me at this stage in life given the fact that I am unmarried and child free. I also feel like it would also be 10x harder to live in a small/rural town and be single at this age, since everyone is either married or divorced with three kids. Slim pickings for singletons for sure. Not really sure where this train of thought was going….
I think that what I’m saying, is that even though I ‘hate’ this city and want to move out someday sooner than later, this city has allowed me a chance to flourish as an individual and come into myself fully. This city does not put same pressures to marry and have kids on me that life in a small town might. I guess turning another year older has had me thinking of all of this recently….
I had a relatively low-key birthday this year – stayed in our favorite Airbnb in Woodstock and a nice dinner with my sister on my actual birthday. Tuna also celebrated his birthday (1st birthday, to be precise!) the day after mine. Here we are, together, basking in that birthday glory and, in my case, basking in copious amounts of sugar.
My friend made me this awesome funfetti cake… my favorite cake is, in fact, FUNFETTI :p Hell yeah boiiiiiii
The view from the back-side of the Airbnb house… I would buy this property in a heartbeat, if only I had the $1.5 million it was just listed for LOL LOL LOL …. #FML
I was also spoiled with sweets at work – cupcakes and macarons. I am not being sarcastic when I say that I feel so loved when people go out of their way to get me food or presents for my birthday. I never feel like I deserve these things or the effort or thought that goes into them … it literally made my entire day, even if my skin paid the price for a full two weeks (major acne flair-up thanks to my diet of Cadbury creme eggs for breakfast, cupcakes and macarons for lunch, and funfetti cake for dinner for a whole week straight).
My For Love and Lemons for Victoria’s Secret dress/robe – totally obsessed and need more opportunities to wear it….
It’s been so long since I posted that I haven’t even posted this amazing dress/robe I got on sale at Victoria’s Secret. Who knew that one of my favorite brands, For Love and Lemons, did a special line of lingerie and clothing just for VS? I know VS is tres gauche these days, but fuck it. I get a gift certificate for VS every Christmas and it’s just about the only time of year I treat myself to overpriced underwear, etc.
Really feeling myself, as the kids today say….
As per usual, one of the only things that gets me through each work day or lonely weekend where my BF works a 12-hour shift on a Saturday, is planning what I will cook for dinner and then executing it. I’ve cooked some really time-consuming things in the last couple of months, including, but not limited to: homemade pasta, homemade gnocchi, Focaccia and French-style baguettes from scratch, and recreated the amazing shrimp etouffee dish that I had on my birthday at Maison Premiere.
I truly hope that Maison Premiere never closes their doors. They’re a Williamsburg institution at this point, serving oysters, cocktails, and a variety of raw-bar foods and plates in a cozy and cool atmosphere. If you live in the greater NYC area, I would highly recommend for a nice date or intimate dinner or drinks with a good friend/couple of friends.
Anyhow, I’m too fucking lazy to write out any recipes, but here is some food porn…. use your imagination and go wild:
Homemade gnocchi with shrimp in a white-wine/butter sauce
The homemade gnocchi in all its’ glory
Homemade orecchiette – easiest dough ever… literally only flour and water (and a wee bit of salt)
The hand-made orecchiette, in all its’ glory
Orecchiette with pesto and baked zucchini chips
Some of the most delicious focaccia I ever had (not to toot my own horn…)
Mussels in white wine sauce, served with slices of the homemade baguette
And finally, the pièce de résistance… my recreation of the shrimp etouffee from Maison Premiere. Literally tasted identical – the only difference is that the shrimp they used had the heads on, and I wasn’t about to fuck with that on a Friday night when I made this
I’ve been so bad at finding/making time to write food posts here these past couple of months. If you want to see the process and ingredients behind my recipes/meals, feel free to follow my Instagram (instagram.com/lilywhitedaydream). I usually post stories to my IG while I am cooking, as long as what I’m cooking seems note-worthy enough to warrant as such. I mean, if you’re even reading this blog, you probably already follow me on Instagram… since that’s the only way I think anyone can find this blog ;p Anyhow, I digress…
[Insert long rant here about the current state of world affairs, animal liberation v animal subjugation, why humans need to go extinct, why I want to get the coronavirus, etc.]
[Delete long rant, after realizing I sound like one of the preachy types of A-holes that I hate and realizing no one gives a shit… ]
Side note: I am a work in progress and actively working on my anger management skills.
I started writing this post like two or three months ago (I want to say right around Thanksgiving), before Australia had totally burned to the ground and before Trump decided to provoke Iran, thus destroying any chance we have at all for a future. Let’s be honest here, I don’t think humanity is going to make it another five years.
Since this post was initially written, the holidays have come and gone, the New Year has arrived, and I have decided to stop buying fast fashion, or any new clothes at all… yes, I will continue wearing the same damn shoes until I receive warnings from HR about how my foot odor is offending people at work.
I have also decided to become a vegan (not sure how long I can last without cheese or eggs, but I will try), and give up alcohol and other illegal substances. I am also going to try to be more consistent with this blog. Cheers, kids.
Daydreaming about Robbie Williams….
TIPS FOR SURVIVING A RECESSION (Blog entry from November, 2019):
I wanted to write this blog a few months ago when I started reading about another oncoming recession all over the news. I figured I have some viable tips for those of you who were too young to really experience the recession of 2008 firsthand, or those of you who weren’t affected the first time around (consider yourselves very lucky). I survived the great recession of 2008 – just barely though: I haven’t touched my student loan debt, I don’t own a house nor can I afford to, I work just to pay bills, I throw money to the wind each month, renting an apartment I will never own, and at this rate (and given a number of other extraneous factors such as global warming, imminent nuclear war / terrorist attacks at the hands of Iran, and societal collapse on the horizon…) I doubt I will ever have children. C’est la vie…. at least I’ve got my cats.
Anyhow, I’m currently sitting here browsing slutty clothes and 7-inch platform boots on DollsKill.com. Hey – life is short, and no matter what, I’m not going to be able to afford a house or kids, so I might as well purchase some cheap thrills while I’m still semi-young (not that I’m young) and decent looking (not that I am that either). I can honestly say I never spend money on lunch or coffee… I don’t even eat lunch. I think I deserve some frivolous party shoes once or twice a year to compensate. The press is always bitching about Millennials wasting money on Starbucks and avocado toast, but when you’re $50K in the hole with no future in sight, you kind of have to live in the moment and treat yourself to the tiny luxuries that you CAN afford. If we never went out for a night of drinks once every month, or bought a new winter coat we desperately need, our quality of life would be even more miserable than it already is, just trying to save and pay our bills.
I digress though. I graduated in 2011 when the recession was at its’ worst and the unemployment rate at its highest. The times were basically rock bottom in terms of available jobs/work. I have two worthless degrees in fashion merchandising and theatre. I still sometimes hate myself for not swallowing my pride and my passions, and just going to school for engineering or to become a doctor. At least then I would have a lucrative career. JK…. I would never. I’d rather continue to struggle and live paycheck to paycheck with enough time to still pursue some of my passions on the side (i.e. this blog, a social life, cooking, my cats, etc.).
When I graduated, and I’m speaking generally here, one was lucky to even find a part-time RETAIL job. I’m being serious. This isn’t a lie or exaggeration, kids. Even jobs that required no degree and minimal experience were extremely scarce and hard to come by. And finding a job in your own home town (if you came from a small, rural town)???? FORGET ABOUT IT. I started working at the Shiseido makeup counter at Macy’s, which was a 30 minute drive from my parent’s house where I lived after graduating. I got “lucky” (I use this term very loosely here… ) to have a friend who worked for Abercombie & Fitch as a manager and hooked me up with an interview there after I’d spent the summer of 2011 playing with makeup. I thought I’d scored big-time, because at least the job with Abercrombie required a 4-year degree, had benefits like a 401K and insurance, and paid time off. Little did I know, I was in for a real ride….
One day, when life affords me the luxury of no longer having to work a 9-5 day job, you can read all about my days with Abercrombie/Hollister on my old blog, which is currently incognito on the inter-webs. I had to make the blog private for the purposes of my current, corporate job…. since I didn’t hold back in terms what I wrote about or discussed online back then. I could write a book about my time with A&F/HCo., and one day I truly hope to do so…
Enough about that though. I eventually saved up a decent chunk of money and moved to NYC with no job lined up in the fall of 2012. This is where the struggle truly began, and how I learned to thrive (or just barley scrape by, rather) in the midst of the economy’s worst recession since the Great Depression of the 1920’s.
It took me three whole months to find a “job,” and then, the job I had was working only part-time at a night club/concert venue as a cocktail waitress and weekend hostess. I never knew if I’d be working 5 seated-shows a week (the most lucrative type since people would order food and drinks), or only 2 standing-room-only shows with an audience of underage kids (the least lucrative shows… obviously). My paychecks ranged from $120 on a terrible week (i.e. 4 dark days and 2 nights of hostessing) to $480 on a decent week, working 4-5 seated shows. Of course there were take-home cash tips, but those were usually spent going out for after-work drinks at the Irish dive bars on 14th street with my fellow co-workers, where we would commiserate over how little we’d made that night, how awful the crowd was, and how depressed and poor we were working at this shitty venue when the lot of us aspired to so much more in life (i.e. artistic endeavors, full-time employment… sugar daddies…).
My rent was only $650 when I first moved to NYC (don’t ask… I literally had the most baller apartment for what is the BEST DEAL ever heard of). My rent quickly increased to $800 after a couple of months, and then to $1,000 after a year. My fickle work as a server wasn’t allowing me to even make rent, so I swallowed my pride and went back to HCo. on fifth ave, working as a manager, where at least I had a consistent paycheck and health insurance.
Between 2012 and 2016 when I finally landed a decent job, were the toughest four years of my life, financially speaking. This is when I really honed in on my skills as a chef, learning how to survive on one bag of frozen peas a week and a handful of uncooked rice. I learned how to scrape together just enough money to pay rent doing whatever it took – whether it meant counting spare change, taking on babysitting jobs in the morning before working closing shifts at Hollister, or forgoing what most people consider household essentials, like coffee creamer, paper towels, and well…. food in general.
Given the current state of the economy, and the fact that things have been slow as hell for me at work in the last month or so, I’m growing nervous that it’s true that another recession is on the way. This time, I’ll be prepared though…. bring it on baby. Nothing can hurt me now. You know what actually makes me feel even more carefree these days? The fact that we’re probably all going to die in a nuclear war or from complete global destruction due to climate change before I ever even begin to pay back my student debt….
MY TIPS FOR SURVIVING A RECESSION
There is no such thing as job security. Never get too comfortable – it can be taken away from you at any time through no fault of your own. Never take your job for granted either, even though you hate it (we all do). You need money to pay rent and bills and to purchase enough food to survive and/or enough alcohol and drugs to make you occasionally forget how fucking shitty and pointless your life is. No job is permanent and any job can be taken away in the blink of an eye (usually when you least expect it to). You could be laid off if the economy tanks and your company can no longer afford your position. This happened in the last recession… workers who’d been with the same company for 25 years and were only 3 years away from retiring lost their jobs and their 401Ks. Pretty shitty, right? This is why I wake up each day with the fear of God in my heart. It’s better to be scared about losing your job then it is to be too confident that it can’t happen to you. It can happen to you, and living life with anxiety over job security simply prepares you for the worst. It happened to me once and it wasn’t even the recession. The start up company I worked for in 2016 tanked after five months and couldn’t afford to pay me. No notice… no nothing.
Girl, you better WORK. One does what one must to make rent and put food on the table. Even if this means selling yourself short of your credentials/qualifications/education/desired salary, or, in some cases, literally selling yourself (I’ve never done it, but I know girls who basically have sex with someone they’re not really into, in return for having their rent paid or fancy dinners here and there or like, a Mysterland ticket and nice hotel). I’m not saying this is noble or respectable, but sometimes desperate means call for desperate measures. If you’re young and attractive and don’t have a family to hurt, stripping is always an option too. In a major city it will definitely be much more lucrative than elsewhere, and people less likely to find out if you’re trying to keep it on the down-low. If you’re attractive and young, in fact, I highly suggest capitalizing on it while it lasts – because it doesn’t last forever. You might as well make a decent living off of what your mama (or your plastic surgeon) gave you. There are always ads out for bottle servers, hostesses, bartenders, etc., and in this city at the right venue, you could make a SHIT TON of money doing any of those service jobs. You don’t really need experience if you’re young and hot and/or know the right person. It’s also good to be flexible in tough economic times, and willing to do shitty work. I mean, if your standards are too high and the economy crashes, you’re not really going to survive if you’re not willing to do some less-than-savory jobs to make ends meet. For example, I cleaned houses and a church on a weekly basis at one point in college, because it was impossible to even find a part-time retail job. I’m not making this up. In 2008-2009, I cleaned a church rectory on a weekly basis, and then a few older ladies at church inquired about me cleaning their personal residences, and I did. It honestly wasn’t a bad job – kind of gross to clean someone else’s toilet and bathtub, but the money was decent and not taxed, and old people are generally very sweet and lovely to talk to. I would do it again. Hell, I would probably do it now, if someone asked me if I had availability to do so. Could always use some extra spending money…
Learning to live on a bare-bones diet. Have you ever cried because you’re so hungry and all you have in your house is some white rice and mustard? I have. Have you ever had to choose between buying paper towels to clean your counter tops, or some coffee creamer so you didn’t have to keep drinking your coffee black? I have. It’s all about priorities – and sometimes we think that we can forgo food, or at least eat minimally to save money, especially when we also prioritize thinness. Well, when your parents already put some extra money in your bank account but you used it to pay rent and then foolishly bought a couple of $5 vodka sodas at McKenna’s (because you don’t know how to tell your friends that you’re broke), and now you don’t even have $6 to buy a box of pasta and some Prego at the local grocery store, shit really hits home. You’re going to have to learn how to get creative with some frozen white bread and a couple of teaspoons of Parmesan or how to make a meal out of lentils, curry powder, and some frozen corn last you three days. On the plus side, you won’t have to worry about the next time that you can afford to get drunk and order a pizza at 2am, since you’ll likely be malnourished as fuck.
Interviewing: It’s not you, it’s THEM. Just because there isn’t a real availability of viable, living-wage paying jobs, doesn’t mean there won’t be hundreds of listed positions and interviews which you’ll desperately go, on trying to make something work. You’ll probably apply for jobs you have no interest in whatsoever, just because you need a paycheck: part-time retail positions at a shoe store that sells ugly clogs, a dog-walking position, a nannying position, even though you hate kids…. the list goes on. If you’re like I was (and still am), you’ll apply for and go on hundreds of interviews and you won’t get offered any of the positions, even though you are mostly likely A) qualified, B) experienced, or C) could easily do whatever is asked of you. I started to think it was me and beat myself up. I decided I wasn’t getting hired because I was too old, too ugly, too short, too fat, too nice, etc., etc.. I honestly probably wasn’t getting hired, because they were saving the position for the assistant manager’s brother-in-law who just graduated and wanted the job. Jobs go to those with the personal/family connections when there aren’t many jobs to be had. Don’t take it too personally or it will really wear away at your self-confidence.
Here’s a picture of the lovely cheese pizza I ate on Sunday, before I launch into a tirade about the state of this nation and you wonder why you’re ready this “food” blog
Here is a picture of my Sunday evening vino at Huckleberry Bar, where I relaxed for a couple of hours before the real world kicked my ass on Monday morning. You’ll probably need some vino yourself after readying this blog….
#TRIGGERED Usually I HATE when people say they’re “triggered,” but tonight, it’s the only way to describe how I am feeling based on everything that’s going on in this world and out of my control.
It’s 11:05pm on a Wednesday night in August, 2019, and I am already worrying about the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. If Trump wins a second term, I am seriously convinced the entire government is rigged by the 1% (I mean, we already know it is, but…still….). I cannot continue to live in this nation as an American citizen, a nation that has become a disgrace among all of the other developed nations since November 2016. My cat’s a$$hole would be a better president than Trump at this point in time. Furthermore, Lord knows, that in the year 2020, America is still not progressive enough (and certainly MUCH less progressive than we were even 10 years ago) to elect a woman as president of the United States. At this point in time, I’m strongly Bernie or bust. This country needs tax reform, gun reform, free health care, and better/free education for the masses. We need someone who will lift of us up out of this dark spiral into which we’ve been dragged down for the last several years.
The whole Jeffrey Epstein scandal has made me sick to my stomach and furious since he was re-arrested back in July, and even more so since he “killed himself” last weekend. I’ve been following this scandal since the first time he was convicted back in 2008. I usually don’t believe in conspiracies, but I am quite certain that Epstein must have had the dirtiest of the dirt on a ring of high-profile pedophiles running our own government as well as others (hello Prince Andrew and Mohhamed Bin Salman… looking at you). Dude was clearly murdered before he could spill the beans and create more issues within our government. The government is the reason he got such a light sentence back in 2008 in the first place (Alexander Acosta…. all of the high-profile, government pedos involved back then).
I’m also sickened by the treatment of refugees and those seeking asylum or a better life for themselves and their families in this nation. It’s a damn shame that in the year 2020, in America, our government is tearing innocent families apart, jailing both children and parents in deplorable conditions.
The government corruption, together with the ever increasing threat of destruction of environment and wildlife due to humanity has really brought me to a breaking point tonight. My boyfriend just got home from work and told me he thinks Donald Trump will win a second term and it’s lit a fire I haven’t felt in months. I am not being far-fetched when I say that I will have to pull a Hunter S. Thompson in the event that Trump is re-elected. Either that, or I will have to move to Venice and live with my boyfriend’s parents, with or without him. I can’t stay in this country that’s falling apart at the seams if there is no hope for the future.
I already assume we’ll all be dead, or at least in the midst of societal collapse, in the next 10-15 years given the impact of global warming, extreme weather, crop failure, destruction of top soil, plastic pollution, mass migration due to all of these factors, water shortages, etc.. I can’t just stay here as an American citizen and watch what used to be one of the greatest nations in the world with the most civil liberties slowly be ground into complete destruction beyond redemption by greedy corporations, corrupt government, and absolute ignorance and neglect in terms of saving what we have left of the natural world. Instead, we have been turned against each other, the country has once again become rife with racism and sexism due to our esteemed leader and anti-right propaganda, we have to fear being shot as we go about our daily lives, not by ISIS, but by home-grown, white, domestic terrorist psychopaths…. this is no way to live.
Meanwhile, people keep eating factory-farm raised beef and processed chicken nuggets, throwing around plastic, and spraying chemicals on their lawns, with their phone in their hand 24/7, more concerned about the latest episode of the Kardashians, or with some celebrity’s tweet, than about taking what small steps they can to help save the Earth before it’s too late. I am not perfect, FAR from it. But at least I am AWARE and I am TRYING to help in whatever small way I can. I saw some 10 year old girl throw a plastic bottle on the sidewalk yesterday and I almost lost my shit on her, but I knew her mom would have words with me/kick my ass if I reprimanded her child. THIS is the world we live in… this is why people pollute and this is why people don’t give a fuck… they aren’t taught to care.
Anyhow…. before I self implode, let me pour myself a glass of wine to take some of the edge off and focus on something pleasant. Like food. Also, music.
I went to see Korn and Alice in Chains last Wednesday and they were everything I hoped for and then some. Both bands honestly surpassed my expectations and Jonathan Davis of Korn was much hotter than I expected. Oh, and somehow we were front and center!!!!! Not sure how that happened…. but it was fucking awesome:
Jerry Cantrell… up close and personal…. I can die happy now.
William DuVall – current lead singer of Alice in Chains. Alice in Chains is one of my favorite bands and they sounded as good live as they do recorded… I am so happy we made the trek to Jones Beach for this concert
Jonathan Davis in a kilt… that’s hot. Also, this security dude is legit in every picture and video I took since I was in front of the stage… LOL.
I’d have to say, apart from the perfect concert (and this one actually was PERFECT – right up there with NIN and Soundgarden in 2014), the other highlight of the day was getting back to NYC at 12:30am and getting empanadas at Empanada Mama on the Lower East Side because we were starving.
HOLY SHIT… if you haven’t been to Empanada Mama, you MUST GO. Maybe we were starving from walking around all day, slightly drunk, and exhausted. But damn, those empanadas were delicious and inspired me to try my hand at making my own the next day. They have this one empanada that is off the hook called the “Viagra”. It’s stuffed with shrimp and imitation crab and its beyond. I have to go back to Empanada Mama soon. The best part? They’re open 24/7! Despite being open 24/7, it’s pretty nice inside with lots of seating, a full bar, good lighting, and decent decor.
The Viagra empanadas were so good that when I woke up the next day, I was craving more and attempted to recreate them at home!
They turned out pretty good! Not nearly as good as EM, but good for my first try and for making the dough from scratch. I kind of want to get a part-time job at Empanada Mama so I can learn their secrets!
Last night, I made a vegetarian “sausage” and mushroom fettuccine dish, that was so good it fooled my boyfriend into thinking it was actually real meat (he had no idea it was a ‘veggie’ sausage).
I’ll write the recipe for this one tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t be feeling as triggered then. LOL.
The High Heeled C*ntessa 