Author: highheeledcuntessa

I love cooking, eating, entertaining, dining out, fine wines, not-so-fine wines, partying, grunge music, classic rock, new-wave, shopping, wearing heels, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, and my cats. I dislike boring people and activities, judgmental people, boring foods, men who wear suits to work, and places that don't serve wine.

Mussels and Potatoes, and my Week Cleaning Up After Cats…

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Not the comeliest of dishes (but than again, neither am I – so who am I to judge?), but it tastes like $1,000,000

DISCLAIMER:

This blog will eventually get to the food/cooking/recipe aspect that it was initially intended for.  I’ve taken a slight detour along the way and have started incorporating other bullshit into my blog, as I need a safe space to express myself and the world today is not a very safe place at all (no more abortion in the state of Alabama… like WTF?  I guess we’ve gone back to the dark ages…. don’t even get me started, we live in a fucking sickening time in history… how did we let it come back to this????).

If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted lately (which I doubt you are, since no one actually reads this piece of shit blog…), I’ve been too busy being a cat-mom (basically a full-time job within itself… unless you’re actually a BAD cat mom), and cleaning non-stop (obviously my TRUE calling in life).

Yes, what a gripping life I do lead! (I want to say that’s a line from Notting Hill, but I could be wrong… might be Bridget Jones… I used to be OBSESSED with Hugh Grant when I was 12… I still might be… I digress).

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All week long I wait for the weekend, so I can cast aside my Hillary Clinton slacks and unflattering, masculine button-ups in favor of something more my style… I really need to find a job where I can where whatever I want ergo, I need to be my own boss. I’ve also been searching for a replacement for this top for the last 4 years… it is my favorite.  I created it from a Zara top that I completely reconstructed but now it’s falling apart, along with my collagen and my ambitions in life… it’s all a mess here.

If you didn’t read my last blog, please do – it’s writing I’m actually really excited to share and want to do more of/with.  I have way too much fun writing this kind of stuff.  For the next installment of ‘Indigo Wren,’ Indigo is going to sail his hand-crafted raft to France, make his way to Paris, and then attempt to live like Ernest Hemingway while also becoming gender neutral. I know… this blog has basically evolved from what was originally supposed to be a food/cooking blog into the madcap nonsense of yesteryear (aka, the shit I used to write on my old blog, God rest its soul).  Yes, I’m twisted.

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Honk if you know where this is – we can only be friends if you do… JK

Last week, I spent basically the entire week cleaning up after my sick cats; first Tuna (the kitten), followed by Mr. Peeper.  I took Tuna to the emergency vet that’s open 24/7 last Tuesday, after several psychotic, older women on the ‘Persian Cat Health Board’ I belong  to, and subsequently posted to, advised me to do so, IMMEDIATELY!!!  Their reasoning was that I should bring Tuna to the vet ASAP since he is still a little kitten and was basically shitting his brains out in addition to vomiting last Tuesday night – they said he could dehydrate and die easily.  Obviously, that freaked me out and since they’re all cat experts and/or breeders, I listened to their advice and I went. The 24/7 vet not only cost a pretty penny (which I would have preferred to spend on new heels and/or partying), but it also ruined my entire Tuesday evening since I didn’t get home again until after 11 p.m. and then couldn’t sleep until 2 a.m.. In case you’re wondering why I haven’t cooked anything noteworthy lately (which you’re not, because you probably order take out every night), it’s because I’ve been so tired and busy raising a kitten that I have no energy left when it’s time to cook.

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This one is a real hell-raiser – like his dad.  This picture was taken before he let me attack those boogers with a Q-tip (so don’t judge me)… but how cute is that face?!  

Luckily, Tuna was fine and was back to his crack-baby self the next morning (he didn’t swallow any objects and doesn’t have any terminal illnesses – what a relief).  However, whatever he did have must have been a virus which he then passed it onto Mr. Peeper, and it was 10 times worse for poor Peeps.  Peeps started throwing up Wednesday night around 10 p.m., and threw up 6 more times before I went to bed at 1:30 a.m..  He also had a couple of explosive BMs (Bowel Movements), if you know what I’m saying…. (sorry for being gross, but it’s true).  I hadn’t slept much the night before because of Tuna, and then I had to stay up a second night in a row cleaning cat vomit and worried about my baby Peeps.

I hoped he’d be better when I woke up the next morning, but I walked out of the bedroom to a living room/kitchen/bathroom area covered with at least 6 additional puke spots.  But the worst part, if you must know, was that poor Peeps was laying behind the curtains in the living room window, with the 6:30 a.m. intense, dawn sunlight coming in directly upon him, not moving, non-responsive, not hungry for breakfast, and totally covered in his own shit. Good morning indeed!  I started crying because I thought he was going to die… he didn’t even acknowledge me when I came out of my bedroom and he didn’t want breakfast.

I called out of work immediately and spent all morning giving Peeper a bath (he hated me, but was so weak he hardly tried to escape), cleaning the floors, disinfecting everything, and feeding him liquids out of a syringe.  Yes… I transformed into a nurse. I thought I was going to have to drop another $300 I don’t have on the vet, and I happily would have it meant making my baby better, but luckily he didn’t throw up or shit again and kept down the combo of goat’s milk and Greek yogurt I gave him… I’m basically a registered cat nurse now.

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I love this cat more than I love myself… which isn’t saying much.  I love him more than most people though – that’s for sure. I lost Bijou last year, and I’ll be damned if I lose another baby anytime soon if I can prevent it (*** after writing this sentence, I’ve realized I am a full fledged cat lady who may or may not ever have human children)

Anyhow.  I haven’t had time to cook anything that spectacular lately.  I did make a pretty legit seafood risotto on Friday of last week, once the house was clean, the cats were better, and I finally had some ambition.

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Seafood risotto with shrimp, scallops and San Marzano tomatoes.

The dish I made the week prior though is where it’s really at:

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Pasta e potate e cozze = pasta with potatoes and mussels! 

Yes, this dish was time consuming as hell to make, and it took a lot of ingredients… but it’s fucking worth it (just like you, darling).

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INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 bag of small potatoes, unpeeled and diced, OR… 3 large potatoes, peeled and diced
  • 1/2 medium white (or yellow) onion, finely diced
  • 4 cloves garlic, finely diced
  • 1 cup, diced cherry/grape tomatoes
  • 1 cup frozen sweet corn (preferably shaved off the cob)
  • 1 lb. mussels, steamed and de-shelled
  • 2 cups chicken stock
  • 1/2 cup white wine
  • 1 cup heavy cream
  • 2 cups dried, gemelli (or similar shape) pasta
  • 4 Tbs. olive oil
  • 3 Tbs. butter
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1 tsp. dried oregano
  • 1 tsp. dried basil
  • 2 Tbs. freshly chopped parsley

DIRECTIONS:

  • Rinse/clean the mussels and then steam them until they open!
  • Once mussels have opened and are cool enough to handle, de-shell and set the meat aside in a bowl
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Steam me b*tch
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Mussel meat – YUMMMMM! Seriously – yum… especially with some melted butter… 
  • If you’re working with a bag of small potatoes, dice them; If you’re working with three large potatoes, peel the potatoes first and then dice them
  • Heat some olive oil and/or butter in a wok or large saucepan over medium heat
  • Sautee the diced potatoes in olive oil and/or butter until soft (aka penetrable with the tines of a fork)
  • Add the sweet corn into the saucepan and cook until it’s fully de-thawed
  • Set 1/3 of the diced potato/corn mixture aside (I just threw it on top of the mussels), and put the other 2/3s of the potato/corn mix into a blender, with a cup and a half of chicken stock – pulse until completely blended (add more stock as necessary until liquid is a thick consistency)
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The stuff that gets set aside…
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The stuff that gets blended into a creamy puree – I add some chicken stock and some heavy cream so I know what flavors I’m working with when the puree is done
  • Cut the cherry/grape tomatoes into halves and set aside

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  • Heat the butter and/or olive oil in a wok or large, deep saucepan
  • Add in the minced onions and sautee over low-medium heat until translucent
  • Add in the garlic and sautee another minute (*DO NOT BURN GARLIC*)
  • Add in the halved tomatoes and sautee until they become glossy and soft-ish
  • Add in 1/2 cup dry white wine and simmer for about 2-3 minutes
  • Add in the potato puree (the stuff you blended)
  • Add in more chicken stock if necessary and heavy cream
  • The sauce should be thick-ish, yet not so thick that it can’t fully coat other ingredients that will be added shortly!
  • FOR THE PASTA:
  • In another pot, bring heavily-salted water to a boil
  • Add in the gemelli (or other similarly-shaped-pasta), and boil until al dente (do NOT cook until soft… it will finish cooking IN THE SAUCE)
  • Drain and set pasta aside!
  • BACK TO THE SAUCE:
  • Throw in the rest of the potatoes/corn mixture that was previously set aside (this adds texture and makes the dish more aesthetically pleasing than if everything had been blended into a puree)
  • Add in the seasonings: Salt, pepper, dried basil, dried oregano
  • Add in the mussels and fresh basil
  • Cook for a few minutes over medium heat until everything is cooked through and warm again
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Right before the cooked pasta is added back in!
  • Add in the pasta and cook another minute or so
  • Let sit for 5-10 minutes and serve in a shallow bowl or plate
  • Garnish with fresh parsley and enjoy 🙂
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Enjoy with a glass (or two, or three) of white wine! 

Insert disco dancing emoji here.

The Tale of Indigo Wren: The Last Hipster Standing

In additional to cooking and bitching about my life, I also like to write short stories and comics… this one I’m very proud of… hits close to home.

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I haven’t finished the pictures yet, but here is the text to my newest short story….

*** DISCLAIMER*** THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY BASED ON NO ONE AND/OR NO INCIDENTS IN PARTICULAR, AND IT IS ESPECIALLY NOT BASED ON MY OWN LIFE… BUT I KIND OF WISH IT WAS…

 

THE TALE OF INDIGO WREN:  THE LAST HIPSTER STANDING

Indigo Wren was one of the first settlers to move to Williamsburg in the late 90’s, when all there was, was a corner-store bodega that sold 40s through bullet-proof glass, and you risked getting knifed if you were out after 7 p.m..  These were the days of milk and honey – long before Apple and Whole foods moved onto Bedford Ave., and before multi-million dollar high-rises took over the waterfront.  Indigo staked his claim as the original hipster, and moved into an illegal apartment – a loft in an old warehouse – the only one still standing in the year 2019.

Now, at the seasoned age of 52, Indigo looks back fondly on the days of yore – a.k.a. any time pre-2004.  Ah yes!  The days when rent was only $500 a month, there were no bridge & tunnel kids, no European tourists, no condos, and no fucking yuppies… life was good then.  Back then, you could go to a real warehouse party – the kind where you weren’t charged $75 just to enter, there were certainly no models and bottles, and where you had to crawl through a literal hole in a wall to enter.  And, the drugs, oh the drugs!  Back then drugs were still legit.  You would blow your load if someone blew on your skin… they just don’t make parties or drugs like that now.

Alas, Indigo now finds himself at a cross-roads.  When his rent increased to $1,000 in 2005, Indigo’s parents consented to help him out and pay half.  However, Indigo’s parents have recently entered a retirement home, he still only works part-time as a performance artiste and a hair artiste, and now his landlord is being bought-out by a new development that plans to build condos priced for Wall Street bros and Russian hos.  Life is no bueno…

Now, what’s a boy like Indigo going to do?! Indigo racks his brain for ideas: he tries to sell his plasma, but is turned away because he doesn’t meet the minimum weight requirement.  He tries to sell his sperm, but is also turned away by the sperm bank after testing positive for narcotics, and because no one wants sperm from a 52 year old man with a liberal arts degree from a community college.  He tries to donate blood, but is also turned away after he says he occasionally engages in homosexual intercourse in the bathrooms of the Knitting Factory, after becoming inebriated… of course (Sssshhh… don’t tell his boyfriend!).

Hair cutting isn’t gonna pay the bills; and neither is his performance art, which involves getting naked on stage and rubbing cloves of garlic over his scrotum, while chanting “OOooommm Shanti” (can you say ‘tres avant garde’?!). In a moment of poser-weakness and desperation, he asks a friend working at a monastery in the Catskills if he can come live, study and work for free as the Gong Boy.  Sadly, his friend says the position for Gong Guru has been filled by a 26 year old girl with a tight ass and trust fund.

Down to the wire now, with only 30 days before he needs to have vacated his loft, Indigo is at a loss for ideas.  He has too many neck tattoos to work a corporate job.  Besides, you can’t get one of those unless you graduated Ivy League, or mommy and daddy know someone.  He can’t work as a waiter, because his anorexia prevents him from dealing with food, other than his weekly intake of one taco-cart quesadilla.  Alone in his apartment, he diligently scours Craigslist applying to job after job, using his neighbor’s WiFi, and doing occasional bumps of coke to boost moral.

Listen, we all have our vices, and I’m pretty sure it’s OK to spend $100 a week on blow when you only spend $8 a week on a taco-cart quesadilla…. anyhow. Indigo relentlessly applies to job after job – he stays up for 56 hours straight because he’s so stressed, and also because he has done so much coke, before he finally crashes in a state of complete exhaustion.  He has applied to so many jobs at this point, he can’t even remember where or what he has applied for.

The next day, Indigo wakes up with a mouth as parched as the desert, a half-eaten hamburger on his nightstand, hungover as fuck, and in the midst of a major coke comedown.  After downing 2 liters of tap water, he checks his AOL email account and sees that a recruiter from the MTA wants him to come in for an interview.  Whatever, he has no pride or options left now.  He decides to go for it, and sets up an interview for 1 p.m. the next day.

Indigo spends three hours planning the PERFECT interview outfit.  He decides on a pair of teenage girl’s black, super-skinny jeans, suspenders, a white button-down, which he will wear buttoned-down to his navel, a coke-spoon necklace (sterling silver, dahling), and a plaid fedora from Goran Brothers.  Oh, and Jeffrey Campbell platforms.  He arrives to his interview 20 minutes late, and fucking kills it!  He gets an offer on the spot, and agrees to start tomorrow (hey… MTA has to meet a diversity quota too).

Indigo arrives to work the next day, 1 hour late, extremely hungover from celebrating his new job the day before, and dressed totally inappropriately.  He decided to wear a neon-yellow pair of coveralls from his days as a 24-year old raver, a train conductor’s hat (very Burning Man/Steampunk chic), a rosary (don’t ask…),, and some platform sneakers (for comfort).  Everyone laughs at him when he shows up.  He gets a write-up for taking a smoke break on the L train platform only 20 minutes into the job, and no one wants to sit with him at lunch.  It’s basically like he’s in 6th grade all over again.

Indigo decides to leave work an hour early so he can go out for happy hour margaritas with his boo (they’ve been on-again-off-again for the last 8 years or so).  He goes to his boyfriend’s apartment and puts on his sexiest underwear to surprise him when he gets home from his job.  Indigo goes looking for some sparklers they keep in the kitchen cupboard (he wants to play bottle waitress), when 3 condoms fall out of a trinket box he was looking through.  His throat gets tight and he feels himself begin to burn from the inside out with rage, disgust, and a sadness so profoundly deep he hopes you never have to feel it.  His heart begins to race and his palms become moist with perspiration.

Indigo decides he is going to maintain control over his emotions and play it cool until his boyfriend gets home.  He decides to wait to confront him… after all, this must be some kind of mistake.  They’ve been exclusive for 8 years! He lays the condoms out on the coffee table and proceeds to drink two bottles of champagne to his face while he waits – to settle his nerves, as one is wont to do.

He waits another 30 minutes and as soon as his boyfriend walks through the door he explodes, throwing the condoms and a glass of champagne into his face.  Naturally, his boyfriend attempts to gaslight him with some bullshit excuse, but this is the last straw for Indigo, the straw that broke this lil’ camel’s back!

Indigo storms out wearing only a thong, 7″ platforms, and a silk kimono.  He calls his side-piece, a 25 year old burner named Cricket Avolon, and they go to happy hour to score some $5 margs.  One thing leads to another, and they order 3 grams of coke, some special K, and a few ecstasy pills for the road.  They end up at Cipriani, where they both blow the same hedge fund bro in return for a meal and some champagne, before making their way to The Box to see some girls piss in martini glasses and drink their own piss on stage.  Finally, they end up at the crack-den that is Members Only circa 2016.

Indigo forgets what day it is, he forgets he has a new job and bills to pay and rent payment to make, and he forgets that he is broke.  He stays out until 1 pm the next day, and then crashes at his dealer’s house somewhere… who knows where really.  When he wakes up at 9 pm the next night, he has 20 missed phone calls and 6 voicemails from his job and his parents.  He pops a couple of xanex before heading back to his apartment, to ease the comedown of it all.  He decides he will fix things with work tomorrow.

Indigo is still coming down from his near OD the day before, and emotionally deranged from his personal problems at home.  Nevertheless, he persisted.  He pulls himself up by the nipple rings, puts on some guy-liner and scented body glitter, pops a couple of addies, and marches off to work as though nothing ever happened.  HR calls him in immediately and terminates him on the spot.  He doesn’t even argue, he just leaves with a new plan brewing… this ain’t his first rodeo and it won’t be his last… he is used to these things happening to him by now.

He’s given up working dead-end jobs, and he hates this awful, fucking city where everyone is fake as fuck, consumed with greed, living on someone else’s hard earned dime and therefore has the luxury to pursue artistic adventures for little to no pay, or just an anorexic escort.  He calls up Cricket Avolon and he invites Indigo to go to Tulum with him.  Out of other options, and thinking he can probably score a sugar daddy (or mommy) and some quality blow, Indigo agrees.  He packs light – a sombrero, some adderall, and a few thongs.  His landlord can go fuck himself and charge some other naive loser way too much money to live in the shitty fucking dungeon of a loft that he has called home for the past 23 years.

After arriving in Tulum, Indigo convinces all of his trust fund friends to bring him to an elite party, where he proceeds to get mega, fucking TRASHED.  He runs into his ex-boyfriend in the ladies room… powdering their noses.  He ends up making a total scene and breaking a Dom Perignon bottle over the sink before threatening his ex with the broken end.  He accidentally cuts himself in the process, and decides now is the right time to pull a Johnny Depp, and writes a message in blood on the mirror: “You let Billy Bob f*ck You!”.  He is quickly escorted out by security, while shouting to everyone who can hear him “I’ll show you what a REAL fucking party is!!!”

Indigo wakes up penniless, naked and alone on the beach.  He thinks he may have been sexually assaulted, but he doesn’t know for sure.  He spends all afternoon building a raft out of the palm fronds and drift wood that litter the beach. The last anyone ever sees of Indigo Wren, he is floating out to sea on his raft with a corona, singing “Lilac Wine,” by Jeff Buckley…

 

And that, my friends, is the story of Indigo Wren, the last hipster standing.

Selling My Soul One Day at a Time

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Tuna finally came home last Sunday and life seems to be more chaotic and non-stop than ever.  I haven’t written a blog in weeks, which is very sad (for me anyhow, probably not for you) since I was trying to aim for two a week when I started this.  I have so much ambition when I’m sitting at my desk each day, resenting my job and current situation as my creative brain cells slowly shit the bed.

I sit in front of my work computer, thinking of the great meal I’ll cook when I get home and the blog I’ll write.  I think of how I’ll get in a 3 mile walk to get some exercise after being stationary all day at my desk.  However, by the time I get home, I find myself in dire need of a glass of wine to numb the pain of another day of corporate life (….am I an alcoholic?), and on more occasions than not, the shitting/rainy weather prevents me from getting out for a walk.

And then, of course, there are the number of errands I have to run ON MY WAY HOME (pet store, grocery store, pharmacy, etc.), which means I get home later than I would like to.  Once I’m home I take care of the cats first, and then end up picking up the house (dishes, garbage, litter boxes, etc.).  By the time I start and finish dinner I’m FUCKING burnt out.  However, I still wait up until my boyfriend gets home from work at like 11pm (on weekends it’s MUCH later) so I can see him for 20 minutes before I pass out way too late on the couch, and have to wake up 5.5 hours later to do it all over again.  I’m chronically sleep deprived and I don’t even have kids.

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Tuna meows a lot and runs around way more than any cat I’ve ever known.  He is precious though… so I guess I’ll learn to deal with his non-stop energy and incessant meowing….

I am starting to feel like Tom Cruise in that movie where he keeps dying (Edge of Tomorrow) only to have to wake up and do it on repeat each consecutive day.  I don’t know how my parents juggled full time jobs, three kids, and their families etc..

I’m too mentally drained at the moment to write out a full recipe.  I also haven’t cooked much this week since I went out a few times and also have been tending to a new kitten and trying to keep the peace between Tuna and Peeper when they’re together.  I had a lovely dinner on Wednesday night with some friends who are moving across the country.  Friday night I had a friend over for wine and cheese, and then yesterday my friend invited me to an art/music performance.  Today I am not leaving my house (JK… I’m going to force myself to get out for a walk in a few since I’m retaining about 10 lbs. in water weight).

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The chicken piccata I was planning on blogging about… I failed to take any pics of the process and it also just looks not that hot plated. 

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I made this really good pan-seared salmon a couple of weeks ago with a zucchini puree  (*recipe for the ZUCCHINI PUREE IS HERE) and Israeli cous-cous. It would have been a healthy meal, had I not gone and eaten the entire pot of cous-cous.

Last week, I took off Monday (I honestly should have taken the entire week) to be home with the new kitten.  I went to Fabbrica for drinks and cicchetti with my boyfriend (he was off for once in his life…), and then stopped by The Meat Hook to buy some duck breast for dinner.  I also picked up some delicious heirloom tomatoes to use in a salad.

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About to go into the oven to caramelize the brown sugar on top.  I used a quick marinade of spicy sesame oil, lime juice, brown sugar, soy sauce, garlic, pepper and a splash of rice vinegar.
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A simple salad with homemade dressing… the heirloom tomatoes are so good compared to all other varieties.
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Wretched, unappetizing plating… but the meal was delicious.

 

 

Easter Dinner – A Meal to Impress

IMG_7560I am really happy right now because I found a pair of my favorite Hollister boyfriend-style, super-low rise jeans, in mint condition for only $10.   This is the only thing “giving me life” (as the kids nowadays like to say…) on a Monday evening.  What a fucking steal!

My favorite light-wash, destroyed boyfriend jeans from Hollister (*which I have had for the past 5 years), I have literally worn to pieces. They were already “destroyed” when I bought them, but now the holes that they came with are basically the entire length of the jeans, and I’ve worn them so much that they are loose around the waist because every thread of elastic has been worn out. It’s a miracle I was able to find the same pair again since they’re no longer carried in stores. Thank God for second-hand, online retailers! It’s the small things in life….

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Baggin’ Saggin’ Barry right here – I’ve had these babies since 2014 and now, even with a replacement, I still can’t bear to throw them out.  They’re like my second skin – I’ve worn them to so many concerts, bars, parties, and just have so many good memories in them. I think I’ll keep them forever…. they’re like my security blanket.

I didn’t go home for Easter this year.  I hate missing family holidays… especially now that my parents are getting older, I’m getting older, and I’ve realized I am not and they’re not as immortal as I once upon a time thought when I was in my early twenties. It’s hard to go home for a “weekend” when you’re not off on Friday or Monday however, and therefore would either have to request off one of the aforementioned days, or take public transit and then come home same day.  Easter is a holiday that falls on a Sunday every year – it doesn’t make sense to not be granted the following Monday after off, even if it’s a religious holiday – travel time people!

I made do given the circumstances and prepared a delicious meal for two.  I know most people have an Easter ham or some sort of roast, but since It was only the two of us, and I’m still trying to refrain from eating land animals (***there have been a few slip ups when intoxicated) I decided to make seafood instead.  I’ve realized that everything looks fancier when it’s served over a puree or sauce, so in order to make this meal special for the holiday, I decided to make a split-pea puree to accompany the scallops.  I also made mussels in a white wine sauce, and a salad for some greens/fiber.

This is a meal to cook if you want to impress someone – whether it’s a significant other, your mother, your father, a good friend, or someone you really care about and generally just want to treat well.  It not only tastes fucking amazing, but it’s also a filling meal, which I find important, and the presentation is what makes it especially impressive when served in the comforts of your own home.

FOR THE SPLIT-PEA PUREE

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 cup of dried split-peas
  • 1 stalk of celery, finely diced
  • 1 small Idaho or white potato (peeled and cut into cubes)
  • 4 cloves of garlic, peeled and finely minced
  • 3 cups chicken stock
  • 3 Tbs olive oil
  • 1/2 cup frozen, green peas
  • sprinkle of cayenne pepper
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 4 Tbs. heavy cream

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DIRECTIONS:

  • Heat the olive oil over low-heat in a saucepan/small pot
  • Add in the minced garlic and cook over low heat for about a minute and a half
  • add in the celery, split peas, cubed potato, and the stock and raise the heat to medium-high
  • bring to a boil and cook until the peas and the potato are tender (you’ll need to taste test)
  • Add in the frozen peas and cook for another minute
  • at this point, most of the liquid should be absorbed, but not all of it! Some liquid is important for the process of blending… but you’ll be able to add more as necessaryIMG_7507
  • Once the peas are soft and the potato is cooked through, turn off the heat and let cool for a few minutes
  • Place contents of the pot into a blender, along with a dash of cayenne pepper and some salt and pepper
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Cooked mixture in the blender (pre-blending)
  • Blend on low-medium setting, until the consistency becomes thick and uniform
  • Add some heavy cream and/or more chicken stock as necessary (you’ll probably need a bit more liquid)
  • Make sure to taste-test to determine whether more salt, pepper, or cayenne pepper is needed
  • Puree should end up being a smooth, thick consistency
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Perfect consistency here… add more liquid as necessary
  • Set aside while you prepare the scallops and mussels
  • Please note:  I suggest doing the mussels and salad next and saving the scallops for last, since you’ll want to serve them hot.

FOR THE SALAD

  • I went basic AF for the salad here, so it’s pretty much just pure roughage
  • I used: Arugula, alfalfa sprouts, and grape tomatoes
  • For the dressing: 1/3 cup mayo, 1/3 cup Parmesan cheese, juice from one lemon, 1 Tbs. olive oil, 3 tsp. white vinegar, freshly ground black pepper – whisk together in small bowl and voila!
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Homemade salad dressing makes all the difference – if you have an aversion to mayo or want to be healthier, I’d suggest just using olive oil, a spritz of fresh lemon juice, and then sprinkle with salt and pepper, and/or some balsamic vinegar

FOR THE MUSSELS

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 finely minced shallot
  • 2 dried or fresh bay leaves
  • 2 Tbs. olive oil
  • 3 Tbs. butter
  • 3 cloves of finely minced garlic
  • 1 lb. (1 bag) of fresh mussels
  • 1 tsp. red pepper flakes
  • 1 tsp. thyme (dried or freshly chopped)
  • juice from one lemon
  • 1 cup white wine
  • 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • salt/pepper to taste
  • 1 Tbs. freshly chopped parsley
  • Toast to serve (tastes like heaven dipped in the mussel sauce!)

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DIRECTIONS:

  • In a wok or large sauce pan, heat the olive oil over low heat
  • Add in the minced shallots and cook for 2 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Add in the minced garlic and cook for another minute
  • Add in the bay leaves, red pepper flakes, and butter and cook for another minute
  • Add in the mussels and increase the heat to low-medium
  • As soon as you’ve added the mussels and turned up the heat, add in the wine!
  • Add in the fresh lemon juice
  • Cover with a lid and wait about 2 minutes or so, until you see the mussel shells opening
  • Add in the cream and fresh parsley and give a good stir
  • Add in some pepper and salt and give another good stir
  • Once mussels seem pretty opened, turn off burner and remove from heat – set aside

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Hell yeah – the toast dipped in that sauce is heaven on Earth

FOR THE SCALLOPS

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 lb. fresh sea scallops (patted dry with paper towels… they MUST BE DRY to cook, excess moisture means they won’t brown at all)
  • 3 cloves finely minced garlic
  • 2 Tbs. butter
  • Salt and pepper
  • 2 Tbs. freshly squeezed lemon juice
  • 3 Tbs. white wine
  • Split-pea puree
  • sprinkling of alfalfa sprouts

DIRECTIONS:

  • Pat the scallops dry with paper towels
  • Salt and pepper the scallops on both sides
  • Heat butter in a shallow, saucepan over low heat
  • Add in the garlic and cook over low heat for about 1 minute
  • Add in the scallops and increase the heat to low-medium
  • Cook for 2 minutes on each side (approximately 4 minutes in total)
  • sprinkle with lemon juice and white wine, lower heat and cook for another 30 seconds
  • remove from heat
  • re-heat the split pea puree (microwave or stove top)
  • Plate the split pea puree, and plate the scallops with sauce
  • Garnish with alfalfa sprouts and serve hot
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Perfection

And now I am hungry again sitting here writing about this meal… that’s how good it was!

I also did some painting this weekend:

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This one took a surprisingly happy turn, what with the yellow flowers and bright background… still not finished though

Tuna (the new kitten) is coming home this next weekend, and I think Mr. Peeper can sense that he’s about to no longer be the only child because he has been extra lovely:

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Took Peeps for a nice, long stroller on Easter morning.

Cheers.

 

 

The Real McCoy – Shrimp Risotto

I was a bit tired and in a rather foul mood when I wrote yesterday’s blog – I’m still in a foul mood (when am I not?), but I’m feeling slightly better about life today.  Having a glass of vino and preparing to make the chicken piccata that I intended to make yesterday…

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If you’ve never seen the clip from ‘Beavis and Butthead Do America’ where Beavis goes insane on an airplane and screams “piccata for my bung-hole,” please do both of us a favor and go watch it now.

I felt ugly all day today in my button up shirt and slacks (typical) so I came home and put on the tightest black dress I own and proceeded to pour a glass of wine for some inspiration before I commence on the meal I’m about to make. I don’t feel like myself when I’m at work wearing a shirt buttoned up to my thyroid.

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Currently in my natural state – all black everything, covered in cat fur, hair up with fly-aways, drinking wine… 

Anyhow, here is the recipe for my shrimp risotto… I recommend making this dish if you really want to blow someone’s taste buds. My boyfriend is from Venice and said it’s the best risotto he’s ever had – better than any restaurant.  That’s like the best compliment someone could give me other than telling me they like my writing or art work.

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So fucking good… you won’t be able to resist or to stop… I know I sure couldn’t.

INGREDIENTS: 

  • 1 lb. of raw shrimp (frozen or fresh – as long as they haven’t been cooked yet!)
  • 1 box (32 oz.) of seafood stock
  • 2 cups of uncooked Arborio rice
  • 1 1/2 cup of white wine (any will do as long as it’s not too sweet)
  • 5 cloves of garlic, finely minced
  • a few sprigs of fresh thyme, finely chopped
  • 1 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese
  • 1/3 cup half and half (light cream)
  • 4 Tbs. butter
  • 3 Tbs. olive oil
  • 1/2 tsp of ground nutmeg
  • 1 tsp of granulated onion or onion powder
  • 1 bay leaf (dried or fresh)
  • 1 tsp dried basil
  • 1 tsp dried oregano
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • fresh parsley to garnish

DIRECTIONS:

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  • If the shrimp are frozen, thaw them under warm, running water in a strainer
  • Whether or not shrimp are fresh or frozen, peel them and then cut them into halves or thirds depending on size, and set aside in a bowl

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  • In a large wok or deep saucepan, heat the olive oil over low heat and add in the minced garlic
  • Cook garlic over very low heat (being careful not to burn it) for about 1-2 minutes
  • Add in the rice (yes – the secret to good risotto is slightly cooking the dry rice in the olive oil for a couple of minutes without liquid… I don’t know why, but it adds a depth of flavor)
  • Continue to stir and cook the rice over a low heat until it’s completely covered in the oil and begins to become ever-so-translucent in color
  • Raise the heat to medium and add in the white wine (I like to turn up the heat of the burner before adding the wine so that it makes that nice ‘SSSSSsssssss!!!’ sound when it his the hot pan)
  • Risotto is a dish that has to be stirred pretty much continuously – you can’t really step away from more than 30 seconds, so START STIRRING BIOTCH… and don’t stop!
  • As the liquid is absorbed by the rice, add in roughly 1 cup of seafood stock at a time, and keep gently stirring until it’s been absorbed
  • After you’ve added the first cup of seafood and the rice is moist, add in the bay leaf, chopped thyme, and other seasonings (onion powder, basil, oregano, nutmeg, salt and pepper)

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  • Keep adding cup after cup of stock, until you’ve used up the entire contents of the box of stock… by this point, rice should be pretty tender, but neither dry nor too saturated in liquid
  • Add in the half and half (or cream) and continue to stir
  • Stir in the grated Parmesan cheese
  • Add in the raw shrimp and gently stir
  • Continue cooking over low heat, until shrimp turn orange (this means they’re cooked through!)
  • Add in the butter and turn off the heat… stir until butter is melted and incorporated thoroughly
  • Add more salt/pepper to desired taste (if necessary)
  • Remove the bay leaf, and serve on a plate – garnish with fresh parsley and voila!

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OK – I’m going to make chicken PICCATA PICCATA! now (hopefully you’ve watched the Beavis clip so you get it).  Chicken piccata will be in my next post …. hopefully it doesn’t take me two weeks to write :p

PS… Tuna comes home next week:

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I really hope a second cat is good for Peeps and keeps him company and they end up loving and playing with each other…. knowing my luck, Peeper will become psychotic and piss all over the house or try to attack the kitten.  In this case, I don’t know what I will do.

The World is on Fire and I’m Focused on Risotto

I haven’t written a blog in a couple of weeks because I’m feeling lazy and uninspired, yet also simultaneously busy (working, maintaining the household, maintaining a very high-maintenance cat, watching my niece and nephew after work here and there, basically maintaining everything but myself it seems…), and I’ve also been trying to take advantage of the warmer weather by walking more. The increased exercise doesn’t seem to helping my body much, unless I’m gaining serious muscle and am too blind to see it because I have body dysmorphia… but I’m pretty sure the scale doesn’t lie.

Can you tell I’m in a bad mood?  Because I really am.

I feel like I only work and live to pay bills sometimes (all the time, actually), and only eat healthy and work out for my body to stay exactly the same and fluctuate wildly depending on that time of the month.  Have I mentioned how awful it has been since going off birth control?  I mean, we’re in the midst of the 6th mass extinction of flora and fauna and it’s caused entirely by humans, Notre Dame Cathedral burned down on Monday, there are starving children in Yemen, abused and abandoned animals wandering the streets, and dead whales washing up everywhere with plastic bags in their stomachs, but yeah…. I am still bitter about my insurance not covering Natazia (on top of all of the aforementioned issues… the Natazia is just the straw breaking this camel’s back, so to speak).

Like who the fuck gains weight when they go OFF birth control?  Don’t most people gain when they go on it?  Also, who knew that in addition to PMS bloating, you can also bloat during ovulation… so basically, I only look skinny about 3 days of the month now – and that’s the week my skin flares up with hormonal acne.  I never really feel good about myself 100 percent anymore. I’m either bloated or broken out and both make me feel self-conscious and not like myself.  By the time my cystic zits go back down, and are just red, flaky marks on my face, a whole month has gone by and then the cysts come right back again along with some added water retention.

It’s OK though… we’re all going to be dead someday, and probably sooner than later at the rate of global warming, pollution, and general discord among the nations…. so why should worry about my thigh gap and a couple of zits on my chin? I’ll tell you why – because it takes away from my worry about microplastics infiltrating the food chain and never being able to afford to have children thanks to astronomical rent prices and student loans… that’s why. I need to focus my anxieties and stress into something I can control… which is precisely why I’ve started carrying a tote bag to the grocery store to haul my groceries home so as to avoid plastic bags…

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The one day out of thirty I looked and felt good about my body, so I thought I’d memorialize it in a half-naked selfie.  This way I can remember when my ovary is dropping an egg each month, and my body decides to hold onto 6 lbs. of water weight, that I’m not as fat as I feel…. being a woman is such a beautiful thing.

I was going to make chicken piccata tonight for my boyfriend, because at some point today I had more energy and felt like cooking something fancy, but after working all day, commuting, doing groceries on the way home, taking a bath, giving my cat a bath, and picking up the house, and now writing this blog, I am absolutely fucking exhausted, and ordered Chinese food instead.

It’s one of those days, and I seem to be having a lot of those days lately, despite trying to stay positive and take a pro-active approach to my life and wellness and happiness.

I have been trying to take it easier on the weekends (i.e. going to bed before 2am, not binge drinking, not making poor financial decisions when I’m binge drinking), which leaves me feeling slightly more mentally stable.  I picked up my new glasses last week (fucking finally) and have knocked out all of my annual doctor’s visits, bi-annual dental cleaning, so at least I’m up to date as far as my health is concerned. I also started a new painting and made good progress for the few hours I’ve put into it so far:

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Obviously far from finished…
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My new glasses! I’ve needed new glasses for about 5 years now.  I last got new glasses/frames in the year 2008 – they were Juicy Couture and are now so incredibly used and abused I couldn’t even donate them… I haven’t worn my glasses in public since maybe 2011 because the frames are so busted… literally and figuratively.
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My old glasses: Pretty gross right?  The lenses are scratched up, the frame is loose around the joints, and the frame shape is hideous.

In other news, while the world falls apart and I futilely attempt to lose the weight I’ve gained since January, I made the best meatballs I ever made (beef and mortadella), and also the best risotto I’ve ever made and that my boyfriend has ever eaten (his words, not mine).

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Beef and motadella is the winning combination – the peas in the sauce somehow make the dish much more savory and comfort-food like, especially served over polenta.
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The best risotto I ever made and ever ate… not to toot my own horn, but at least I can do one thing right in this world.

I want to write out the recipe and ingredients but it’s going to have to wait because I’m physically, mentally and emotionally spent for today.

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I’ll try to update this tomorrow to include a recipe… I’m falling asleep now.

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Happier times – the cheese plate we shared on Sunday after driving to Asbury Park, NJ for a cat convention

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The Grass is Always Greener and an Experimental Lasagna

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The finished product (aka ‘Experimental Lasagna’) – fresh out of the oven and delightfully melty.  I would consider this one of the best things I’ve ever made – and I’ve cooked a lot of dishes

If you’re looking to cook and/or eat the ultimate comfort food, you’ve come to the right place.  I don’t know what I would even call this dish – I guess it’s along the lines of a ‘white’ lasagna, but also kind of like a high-end casserole.  It combines potatoes (scalloped potatoes, to be specific), 3 different kinds of cheese (goat, mozzarella, and Parmesan), a rich, bechamel sauce, lasagna noodles, zucchini, and prosciutto… how can you possibly go wrong with that combo of ingredients???

I was feeling inspired to make something decadent, and considering that I follow more food blogs than I do people on Instagram (I also follow more animals than I do people, since I hate most people, but that’s a topic for another day), I found plenty of ideas. Most of the food blogs I follow are Italian food blogs, based in and/or around Naples, Rome, Sicily, Puglia, etc..  I also follow a number of what I refer to as ‘gluttony blogs’ (think “pizza stuffed with fried mozzarella, topped with french fries” or like, ‘fried chicken, on top of burger, sandwiched between two soft pretzels, and dripping in cheese’ – I’m sick… I know).  Anyhow, I was inspired by the fact that so many of the Italian dishes I see on my IG feed seem to combine potatoes with pasta, or multiple starches and/or carbs in the same dish, which isn’t something I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself.

I don’t think most of these dishes are “traditional Italian” cuisine, per se (although ‘pasta e patate’ is), but DAMN… do they always look enticing when I’m hungry and scrolling down! I’ve seen pizza topped with potatoes, pasta with potatoes, and more pizzas with white sauce than those with typical red sauce.  Being the fat bastard I am, and a lover of all of the ingredients I ended up using in this dish on their own, I decided to combine all of them into this masterpiece. I’ll get to the recipe in a bit….

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Now that the sun is finally coming out and temps are rising, I’m feeling the need to cut back on the number of decadent dishes and maybe aim towards some lighter fare. I’m also feeling the need for a spray tan… although I always end up Oompa Loompa orange when I try faux tanner

One of life’s greatest quandaries seems to be why the grass always greener on the other side.  Lately, my work schedule has been the opposite of my boyfriend’s and half of my friends (since many also work in the hospitality industry). It’s been so awful, that it makes me miss working retail … working retail AT Hollister, if you can believe it.  I know… I know what you’re thinking – but hear me out first.  You know how shit always seems so bad and awful when you’re actually living it, and then years down the road you look back on that time in your life, and it doesn’t really seem so bad at all in retrospect? Like, yesterday’s problems (the ones I had at 26) were few and far between, considering the problems I have now at the advanced age of 31. The biggest problem I had then was trying to get the fuck out of retail…. and making enough to pay rent since my salary was substantially lower.  But in retrospect, the past seems like good times now.

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately.  I think maybe it’s the pressure of being in my 30s now, when I have to actually have the future weighing more heavily on my shoulders than I did at 26-28.  It takes a while for it to sink in that you’re not going to be young and carefree forever (not that I was EVER carefree, but I certainly wasn’t considering the heavier subjects in life, like if I want to married, whether or not I want to have a kid(s) someday, or saving for retirement, or where I would and would not be willing to relocate based on ageing parents, where my family lives, etc.).

I’m not saying I would ever want to go back to working retail, but there were some very good benefits to be had working in retail management which I was too blind to see or even appreciate at the time.

  1. I could switch my shifts with other managers and usually requested Sunday and Monday’s off, or Mondays and Tuesdays, which was great, since the store closed early on Sunday and I could still do dinner with my boyfriend or go out and party on a Sunday night. I miss those days, since now my window to imbibe is limited only to Friday and Saturday nights when everyone else in the world is out doing the same. You can’t trade shifts working corporate, when everyone works the same damn shift.
  2. I miss having random week days off.  It was nice to be one of the few people who had the ability to do their personal shopping, groceries and run errands on days when the majority of people are working, since you have everything to yourself and a calm exists that just isn’t there on the weekend. I also miss (now that the weather is warming up), the ability to grab a glass of wine at 3pm when the sun is out and no one else is there.
  3. I miss having more than one day a week off with my boyfriend.  Right now, our only day off together is Sunday, so it’s become sort of a sacred day and I don’t want to make plans with anyone else on Sunday – unless it’s like a party or group dinner or something.  When I worked retail, I usually found there was a random weekday I’d have off that would match up with one friend or my boyfriend.
  4. I miss being physically active, moving around, walking, hauling cages of clothes, doing floor sets, folding and doing manual labor – I even miss interacting with customers and helping people.  Back then, I didn’t even have to consider how much I was walking in a day, or do push-ups, since my daily work was a workout in itself. Sitting still is awful. I also get bored when every day is the same and I’m not continually meeting new people or training new hires, or interviewing.
  5.  That sweet, sweet employee discount.
  6. New Merchandise always felt like Christmas morning – ripping into those boxes and seeing the new clothing before anyone else and trying on/setting aside all of the shit I was about to buy for 50% off…

These things said, I don’t miss working every holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Memorial Day, July Fourth), working on Saturday mornings after going out on a Friday night, and dealing with awful customers or, even worse, dealing with awful district managers or fellow managers.

These thoughts have been floating around my mind all week.  I secretly think I just miss the sense of camaraderie I felt then, since I actually worked with with people I built close friendships with outside of work, and we would talk about our lives and work place drama in the stockroom and while closing down the store each night.  It was nice to have people to leave work with and grab Dunkin’Donuts with, and ride the subway back to Brooklyn with each night.  I don’t have that now and I’m pretty sure I never will if I keep working corporate.

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Committing Carbocide: Self-sabotage, or self-care?

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1/2 box of cooked lasagna noodles (you won’t need a full box)
  • 3 large potatoes; washed and sliced into thin rounds
  • 1/2 white or yellow onion, finely minced
  • 3 cloves of garlic, finely minced
  • 3 TBS. butter
  • 3 TBS. olive oil
  • 1/3 cup flour
  • 3 cups whole milk
  • 1 log of goat cheese (I believe it’s like 4 ounces)
  • 1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese
  • 2 tsp. fresh thyme
  • 1/2 tsp nutmeg
  • 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1/3 lb. of thinly sliced prosciutto
  • 3-4 green zucchini, cut into thin slices, length-wise
  • 1 ball fresh mozzarella

DIRECTIONS:

  • Bring heavily salted water to a boil in a large pot and pre-heat oven to 400 degrees
  • Cook the lasagna noodles, drain, rinse with cold water, add some olive oil to prevent them from sticking to each other, and set aside
  • Peel and chop the potatoes, and place the slices in a bowl of cold, salted water (this prevents discoloring)
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Potatoes are one of the ultimate comfort foods, no matter how you cook them – french fries, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, scalloped potatoes, home fries, boiled-buttered potatoes… roast potatoes… and now I sound like Bubba from Forest Gump talking about shrimp….
  • Slice the zucchini and set aside
  • Next, you will make the bechamel sauce.  Heat the butter and a couple tablespoons of olive oil in a large saucepan/wok over low heat
  • Add in the minced onions, stirring occasionally until onions are translucent and yellow (about 5 min)
  • Add in the minced garlic and cook another two minutes
  • Add in the flour and stir to create a roux (this is the base for your sauce, and the step that makes it thicken while remaining clump-free)

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  • Next, add in the milk, and continue to stir constantly using a wooden spoon, or whisk
  • The liquid should thicken rather quickly
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A nice, thick bechamel in the making
  • Now, add in the goat cheese, continuing to stir until fully melted and incorporated
  • Add in the salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, nutmeg, and some fresh thyme
  • Taste test, and add more seasonings if necessary…. remove from heat.
  • chop the ball of mozzarella or peel apart into thin slices
  • Now for the fun part – it’s time to assemble the lasagna!
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Butter the casserole dish so nothing sticks.  Put down a layer of lasagna noodles first, followed by a layer of zucchini, the bechamel sauce, a layer of potatoes, cheese (a mix of mozzarella and Parmesan) and a layer of prosciutto
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Repeat these layers until the pan is full.  You should have two layers of everything (lasagna noods, zucchini, sauce, potatoes, cheese, prosciutto
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To finish, add another sporadically placed layer of potatoes and cheese and sauce – garnish with the rest of the chopped thyme
  • Once the lasagna is assembled, place it into the oven and bake at 400 for 50 minutes to an hour… the cheese should be browning on top and the sauce bubbling around the edges of the dish when you turn the oven off.
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This smelled like heaven and tasted even better… this is what you want to eat on a cold, rainy night, or a Friday spent at home watching movies with a glass of wine
  • Let the dish cool for at LEAST 10 minutes, before cutting and serving
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Enjoy! 

Eggplant Parm and My Undying Love for Malls

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Eggplant parm – something I truly love to eat and cook any time of the year

Things I don’t love:

  • Most things
  • Most people
  • Myself…JK (…but not really kidding)

Things I DO love:

  •  3$%#$%
  • Platform Heels
  • Wine
  • Hot tubs
  • Wine IN hot tubs
  • crop-tops
  • Fireplaces
  • Faux fur jackets
  • Snow, but only when it’s clean and white
  • Steak Tartare (I’m a heathen)
  • Eggplant Parm
  • Truffle (of the fungi variety, not the chocolate)
  • Malls…

Ah yes, the good ol’ American mall – a timeless institution! All of the stores a girl could ask for under one roof (listen – even if you’re extra fancy, there are malls with Chanel…); the smells of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels mixing with Yankee Candle, Bath & Body Works, the fragrance counter of Macy’s and the food court lulling you into a false sense that everything in the world is good and peaceful.

I have a sick obsession with malls – I think it’s because I grew up going to the mall every weekend with my mom, and now the mall is basically the one place left that makes me feel a sort of comforting wash of nostalgia when I set foot in one – it’s like stepping back to the safety and pleasantry of childhood.   They’re always the same – which is what I really like the most I think.  Regardless of whether they’re high-end or middle-brow,  you always know what you’re getting.  There will be a food court, several chain restaurants, an H&M, Journey’s shoes, Sephora, Abercrombie, and two big department stores.  These days, a trip to the mall is a rare treat, since I live in NYC and do most of my shopping on line, or in person in brick-and-mortar stores around the city.  I usually don’t even end up buying anything in the mall to be honest, but I like walking around sniffing candles, reminiscing about my college stint piercing ears at Claire’s, and of course, doing a walk-through of Hollister.  How could I not?!  I worked for Hollister for almost four years, so I like to walk through the store to relive my best memories while taking in the scent of SoCal…. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  What can I say? Can’t go wrong with a pair of $25 boyfriend jeans…

Anyhow, sometimes it’s really nice to drive out of NYC and go spend a couple of hours at a mall upstate, or in Long Island or New Jersey just to GTFO of the rat race that is life in NYC.  Escaping to a mall for a couple of hours is like stepping back to a time when life was simple, and all I cared about was weather my mom would by me that $60 sweater from Abercrombie or sparkly skirt from Limited Too.  There is also something to be said for the comfort of chain restaurants.  Living in NYC you have the best of the best and all of the variety in the world, but sometimes it’s just as satisfying to get Ruby Tuesday’s, or my new favorite: Zin Burger.

Anyhow… apart from malls, &$%28!,  and cheese, one of my other favorite things is eggplant parmigiana.  If I go to an Italian restaurant and eggplant parm is on the menu, you can be almost 98% certain that that is what I will be ordering.  One of my very favorite eggplant parms in the city, is the one served at Fiat Cafe.  If you’ve never been to Fiat Cafe in Nolita, you should go.  It’s on Mott Street between Spring Street and Kenmare.  The prices are really affordable, the food is amazing, the servers are always friendly, and its cozy.  It’s not fine dining by any means, but for a cozy date night, or intimate dinner with a couple of friends or small family, it’s perfect.  They also do brunch and lunch, though I’ve never been before 4pm.

Everything on the menu is fantastic.  Their meatballs are honestly some of my favorite in the city, apart from D.O.C. Wine Bar, in Williamsburg.  Honestly, my boyfriend and think the meatballs served at Fiat Cafe are not made in house and in fact, we believe they’re of the frozen, store-bought variety.  I am not 100% certain, so don’t quote me on this – but they taste store bought, but like in the most delicious, fucking way you can dream of.  It helps that the marinara they have is perfect.

Apart from the eggplant parm, which is a substantial size and dripping in hot mozzarella and Parmesan cheese, the layers of eggplant are super thin, and fried and then baked to perfection – it melts in your mouth.  It is absolutely perfect, and I’m salivating just thinking of it.  The hairs on my arms are standing straight up, because that shit is SO GOOD, it gives me goosebumps, the same way a good song or good cocktail would.

If I had to pick my favorite eggplant parm upstate, I’d say the Spot restaurant/diner in Binghamton has pretty excellent eggplant parm… or at least they used to… I haven’t been in like 10 years.

Ever since having Fiat Cafe eggplant parm about 6 years ago, I’ve been trying to recreate it when ever I make my own eggplant parm – and this weekend, I’d say I can pretty damn close.

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A cross-section of my masterpiece

The key, I’ve learned through trial and error, is to NOT use any bread crumbs at all, and to use substantial amount of oil when frying (deep-fry style)  The eggplant is first dipped in beaten egg, and then instead of going into breadcrumbs, it just goes into a mixture of flour (Parmesan cheese, salt, pepper, and garlic powder) before going into the hot oil.

The marinara sauce is also important – if you’re not making your own, you’ll want to splurge on a good jar of sauce (Rao’s, Meatball Shop, or Victoria brands are all really good quality when going with store bought). You don’t want a sauce that is too sweet (which many brands are – I’m looking at you Classico and Newman’s Own…), or chunky.

It’s also important to cut the eggplant length-wise (long ways, instead of horizontally into rounds), and fairly thin (although, not TOO thin, otherwise you’ll be frying all night… and this is already a time consuming dish to make).

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Layer’s upon layers of fried eggplant, marinara, and mozzarella and Parmesan cheese… this is right before topping with the final layer of sauce and cheese and going into the oven!

INGREDIENTS:

  • Two medium-sized eggplant, or one really large eggplant
  • 3-4 eggs, well beaten in a bowl
  • 3 cups of bleached baking flour
  • 2 cups of finely grated Parmigiano-Reggiano (aka Paremsan cheese)
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  • 1 Tbs. granulated garlic or garlic powder
  • Finely chopped fresh basil
  • 1 cup olive oil or vegetable oil, or a combination of the two
  • 1 ball (8 oz.) fresh mozzarella, or 1 bag pre-shredded mozzarella
  • Homemade marinara or large jar (or two smaller jars) quality marinara sauce (feel free to spice it up with arrabiata sauce or any other variety within reason)

DIRECTIONS:

  • Wash and dry your eggplant(s) ans slice vertically (length-wise) into thin slices (1/4 an inch or 2cm, maybe?  I don’t have a ruler on me…sorry)
  • Beat 3-4 eggs in a shallow bowl; beat well enough that you can’t differentiate between yoke and egg white – should be consistent
  • In a separate, shallow bowl or container, mix together the flour, 1 cup of finely grated Parmesan, 1 TBS. granulated garlic, and salt and pepper to taste (be generous)
  • Heat the oven to 375 degrees fahrenheit and set aside a shallow casserole dish or baking pan
  • Cover the bottom or a frying pan/large sauce pan with enough oil that the bottom is actually totally covered (this will be a lot… I didn’t say this was a healthy dish 😉  ) and turn to a medium-low heat
  • Next, you’ll dip the slices of eggplant one by one, first into the egg wash, and then lightly coat in flour
  • cook over medium-low heat about 1 minute on each side: the flour should brown ever so slightly – just a nice golden color
  • Be careful NOT TO BURN or get the oil too hot, otherwise everything in your house/kitchen/hair/clothes will smell like a deep-fryer (Believe me, I’ve been there…. makes for a terrible headache)
  • It’s a process you must finesse, cooking, turning, battering at the same time – obviously you cannot fit all of the eggplant slices in the pan at one time, so you’ll have to get the rhythm right (don’t worry… it takes time.  Practice makes perfect)
  • You’ll want to either set the finished pieces of fried eggplant directly into the baking pan, if you have a good system down between frying, turning, and creating the layers within the pan, or, if you are not that skilled yet, just set aside all of the finished fried eggplant and then you will build the layers when you’re done!!!
  • After you have a layer of fried eggplant that covers the baking dish, you’ll top with an even mix of mozzarella slices and grated Parmesan, followed by a light layer of sauce
  • Once your sauce jar is half empty (if you’re using jarred sauce), add some water (enough to almost fill the jar again), and shake vigorously – most marinara out of the jar will be too thick by itself to create a moist and juicy eggplant parm – so adding water is a necessary step!
  • Keep layering until you’ve used up all of your fried eggplant layers (in my experience, you’ll end up with 3-4 layers of eggplant and subsequent toppings, depending on how thin you’ve sliced your eggplant)
  • Add a final topping-layer of marinara, cheese, and sprinkle with the chopped parsley and put into the oven
  • Bake for about 25-30 minutes until cheese has melted and is browning ever so slightly
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Out of the oven and left to cool for about 15 minutes – ready to serve!
  • Once the eggplant comes out of the oven, let it cool/sit on the counter for about 15 minutes – otherwise it will be too sloppy to serve
  • This is one of those dishes that almost tastes even better in the following days, so enjoy your leftovers… you should have plenty – unless you’re cooking for a family of four or more!

Enjoy 😀

Oh, also, in other news – despite what negative things my family has to say, I can’t fucking wait for my kitten (Lord Simon Pier Tuna) to arrive.  Mr. Peeper has been so hard up for a friend that he now waits by the door when he knows our neighbor across the hall is taking her dog out.  He sits by our door and meows until we let him into the hall so he can go sniff and greet Quincy (the neighbor’s little dog)… that’s how much he wants a friend/brother.  I pray he gets along with/likes another cat for a friend as much as he likes the neighbor’s dog.  My poor boy.

OH . MY . GOD…

In other, other news – while I just had my back turned typing the above paragraph, I heard Peeper (speak of the Devil) licking something on the counter behind me, and turned around to find him licking olive oil out of the sauce pan I just readied to make Bolognese sauce… AWESOME.  He’s probably going to shit his brains out now. Fabulous.

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My pride and joy

 

 

We Eat Because We Are Emo, and We are Emo Because We Eat: Vegan BALLZ and Anger Issues

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A joyous week indeed… disdain, chest-ne, bac-ne, LIFE IS GOOD! 

Before we get into the food talk, I have to have a brief rant (actually, two, brief rants):  I’m getting a second cat, and apparently no one in my family supports that decision.  I’m not sure why, considering I’m a more responsible pet owner than anyone else I’ve EVER known.  I’m under the impression that they think that I’m going to become a cat lady or something.  Like, that’s NEVER gonna happen, guys.  First off, I’m far too vain and concerned with outward appearances to ever let myself go (i.e. becoming morbidly obese with bad teeth and wearing purple tracksuits) and/or to walk around smelling like cat piss whilst wearing a sweatshirt that’s embroidered with cats.

Secondly, I would never become a cat hoarder, nor would I ever even consider owning more than two cats, MAX,  at any given time – not even if I had a huge house and a yard and it was an actual possibility.   I don’t think I’ve exhibited any “cat lady” signs that should make them worry that that’s the road I’m headed down either.  My apartment is fucking immaculately clean, I have plenty of friends with whom I socialize with on a weekly basis, and I am in a long-term, stable relationship. Like WTF?  I’ve also been lectured: “what about when you have real kids?  What if your kid is allergic, or you don’t have time for the pets?” To this I say (1) Every other degenerate parent I know that already had pets when they had a baby seemed to make it work, (2) I would probably give away a kid that I’ve only had for two weeks before a pet that I’ve had for 5 years, and (3) my cat is already more high maintenance than a bald baby who sleeps 18 hours a day will ever be, so I’d still have plenty of time to care for him (them).

I am also the best cat-parent I know.  Like, honestly, who else spends two hours a day brushing their cat, pampering him and playing with him – even on the nights I come home dog tired from working late? One of the major reasons I’m getting a second cat is because I want Mr. Peeper to have a friend and playmate to keep him company during the afternoon.  Not that I’m not home EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT and make it a point to stay home when I can on weekends just to be with him.  Most cat owners I know think that because they have cats and not dogs, they can leave their cat(s) unattended for an entire weekend or longer.   I have never left my cat alone for more than a 12-hour stretch and I never would, because I think that’s being a negligent pet owner.   I’m so fired up right now…. You’d think I just told them I’d eloped with a carnie I had known for only 24-hours in Vegas ,or like, quit my job and was moving to Puerto Rico with a circus worker.

It’s also not like I’m having a kid anytime soon (or possibly ever, at this rate), so why not get a second pet?!  Anyhow, this is Simón Pier Tuna… a.k.a TUNA:

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Meet Tuna! He will be coming home to join the family at the end of April!

Sorry everyone, I have to keep ranting, because it’s MY FOOD blog, and I’ll rant about whatever I want, even if it’s non-food related.

ANOTHER RANT (*VERY WOMANLY RANT AHEAD* – You’ve been warned if you’re a guy):

I love being a woman, mainly because I like wearing makeup and heels without judgment, and also because I can’t imagine myself being a man.  Despite all of the advantages of being a woman (who am I kidding – WHAT advantages? Discrimination in the workplace? The expectation that you’ll handle all of the domestic duties on top of full-time work? LOL), there are also many disadvantages. There are times when being a woman sucks. Also, the state of healthcare and coverage in this country sucks hard on any-given-day.  The United States is essentially the only developed nation WITHOUT universal healthcare… and that blows exponentially.   Like, even with insurance, the healthcare in this country SUCKS.   I already have an extremely high deductible given my annual salary – my deductible is 4.6% of my annual salary.  For those of you in countries with universal healthcare, a ‘deductible’ is the amount of money you must pay out-of-pocket before insurance even kicks in to cover any percentage at all of your medical bills… yeah, it’s confusing.  It took me until this year to fully understand how deductibles actually work (or, should I say, DON’T work).

Anyhow, when my insurance switched over to my new job in January, the birth control I have been on for the last 8 years of my life was no longer covered.  It had been 100% covered (FREE) with my last insurance.  In my opinion, all birth control should be free – it’s preventative care and could save insurance companies tons of money in the long run. Anyhow, I digress…. with my new insurance, for the SAME birth control medication, I would end up having to pay $500 out of pocket every 3 months.  Guys, this is the cost of my medication WITH INSURANCE.  WTF? ! It took me three different birth controls to find one that actually met my needs and didn’t completely fuck my body up when I started taking this pill 8 years ago.  I tried three other pills before I ended up with this one, and each one had terrible effects ranging from weight-gain, Dolly Parton-sized breasts, nausea, headaches, etc..   I know this sounds like some “Alice in Wonderland” magic mushroom shit (one makes you tall, one makes you small), but I’m serious. This is the only one that worked for me, without terrible effects.

I called my doctor as soon as I found out my normal medication wasn’t covered, and decided tried another one that WAS fully covered by my new insurance, which the doctor assured me was similar, and I gained 5 lbs. on the 3 days I was on it, and cried over everything for no reason.  At that point, I just threw all three months work of it away and said ‘f*ck it.’  I am too old to deal with this shizzle.  I have no intent of having a kid either, if anyone is wondering. I’m just also not dealing with unnecessary weight gain and mood swings at this point in my life.

I just can’t keep playing Goldilocks and trying to find the perfect size chair or the right temperature porridge at this age, you know?  I knew what actually worked for my body, and it’s been taken away due to America’s fabulous healthcare coverage.  Anyhow, I was feeling confident and happy in my decision to be rid of hormonal contraceptives, since I know that they aren’t that great for you in the long run.  Now, my skin is going haywire and I’m like psychotic.   I’m breaking out all over my body – my chest, my back, my jawline, my neck… like WTF?!  Is there no winning in this world?! Also, I’ve been way more emotional in the last two months than I have been in the last 8 years. I am not OK with this.  I don’t know what else to do except to ride it out or order the only other pill that has the same ingredients my old one did, which is only available in Europe.

Anyhow.  I’m done bitching.

I made some awesome vegan, ‘meatless’ ballz for a potluck work party I had this week.  We have a couple of vegans/vegetarians in the office, so I figured I would just make something everyone could enjoy instead of making both vegan and meat.

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These are similar to the vegetarian ballz featured in an earlier blog post, but totally free from animal products

INGREDIENTS:

  • 2 cups of cooked quinoa (white, red, mixed, any color quinoa is good)
  • 2 cans of black beans
  • 1/2 white or yellow onion, finely diced
  • 4 cloves of garlic, finely diced
  • 1 small can of tomato paste
  • 1 cup Mozzarella-vegan (soy-based) ‘cheese’ (can’t really call this shiz cheese …)
  • 2 Tbs. soy sauce
  • 3 Tbs. Olive oil
  • 1 Tbs. freshly chopped parsley
  • 1 Tbs. freshly chopped basil
  • 1 tsp. red pepper flakes
  • 4 cups vegetable stock
  • Salt/pepper/granulated garlic to taste

DIRECTIONS:

  • THIS FIRST STEP YOU CAN DO A DAY OR TWO IN ADVANCE:
  • Cook 1 cup dried quinoa in about 3 cups vegetable stock – add more stock or water as necessary, until all water is gone and quinoa is cooked through, and light and fluffy
  • Once the quinoa is cooked, set aside to cool or until ready to use

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  • Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees F.
  • Drain and rinse the 2 cans of black beans and lay out onto a baking sheet to dry and go into the over
  • Put the tray of beans into the oven for approximately 20 minutes, until they are dry and begin to crack on the outside
  • While the beans are in the over, chop your onion, garlic, and fresh herbs

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This is what your black beans should look like when they come out of the oven
  • In a small saucepan, saute the onion and garlic over low heat, until cooked-through (add the onion first and cook until translucent, and then the garlic last and cook for another couple of minutes) – set aside once cooked.

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  • In a blender, pulse the fake mozzarella cheese until it is crumbly
  • Next, add in the dried black beans into the blender along with the olive oil, and pulse until crumbly
  • Dump this mixture into a large mixing bowl
  • Add in your cooked onion/garlic mixture
  • Add in the cooked quinoa
  • Add in the seasonings (chopped basil, chopped parsley, salt/pepper, dried pepper flakes, dried oregano, granulated garlic, soy sauce)
  • Add in 3-4 Tbs. of the tomato paste
  • Mix everything together with your hands
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Everything added together and partially mixed – I threw in more tomato paste because it needed more moisture! The great thing about making ‘meatless’ balls, is that you can taste test as necessary without worrying about salmonella!!! Taste away!
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In-motion shot from my IG story… sorry!  Once the mixture is a good texture (i.e. holds together when you roll it, but not too dry), you will roll into meatball sized balls 
  • Roll the mixture into golf-ball sized balls once it is the right consistency and flavor
  • Place the balls on a baking sheet or in an oven-safe dish to bake; cook for 30 minutes or so
  • You may have to rotate the balls half-way through cooking, to ensure even cooking on all sides
  • Serve with your favorite tomato sauce, alone, or over pasta!
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Not as good as turkey… but I’m a heathen by nature and it’s hard to change my tastes

After I slaved away making these balls, I worked a 10 hour day and came home to make myself some ratchet ramen:

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Now we’re talking … 

Once again I basically haven’t slept all week.  Today I let my alarm go off at 8 minute intervals over the course of 1.5 hours…. who does that?  For the amount of time I continued to have interrupted sleep, I could have just re-set the alarm another hour out and gotten some solid sleep.

I cannot wait to sleep this weekend. What’s new? Oh well… what do you expect from a future cat lady?

 

 

 

Saturday Night In and Seafood

FML… this is me, starting over, after I just wrote almost an entire blog and then accidentally deleted it and couldn’t recover it.  This single action sums up my week in a nutshell.

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Yes, this also sums up my week perfectly.  Alphabet soup is my go-to when I’m under the weather or in need of some comfort food.  This is Amy’s organic brand, but to be honest, I prefer Campbell’s from concentrate…. it tastes like childhood and home.

I’m staying in tonight, and so happy with my decision to do so.  I am mentally and physically exhausted and need a night of no-drinking, going to sleep before 1am, and some alone time with my thoughts.  It was a long week (as every week spent working a corporate job seems to be), and I need some serious beauty sleep, as I am currently looking haggard AF.  At the start of each work week, all I look forward to is making it to Friday again, with the intent that I will use the weekend to catch up on sleep and relax for once.  That never actually happens though, since I also have to use the weekend to run errands, clean the house, and have a social life.  Then I end up feeling as exhausted as ever by the time Monday morning rolls around again and like I need another weekend just to recover from the weekend.  It’s truly a vicious cycle.  I start to feel extremely unhealthy and ugly when I don’t take care of myself the way I should (i.e. drinking water, NOT drinking alcohol, getting more than 6 hours of sleep each night, etc.).

I drank way too much this week, ate really crappy, didn’t get enough sleep, and therefore needed this night of solitude as a means of repentance (not that I can undo the basket of sugar cookies I devoured, or the 6,000 calories in alcohol that went down my throat over the course of the week).  I went over to a friend’s house on Wednesday night for dinner.  We grilled squid skewers and skewers of baby potatoes.  She also made a delightful beet and dill salad:

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Night Vision:  The squid and potato skewers on the barbie

 

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The finished squid skewers, hot off the grill, and the awesome beet salad

As is par for the course, I consumed excessive amounts of wine, and then some half-assed blueberry martinis I tried to make.  I woke up on Thursday with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt and spent the day at my work desk wanting to die and eating sugar cookies in a futile attempt to feel normal again.  Will I ever learn my lesson?  Probably not, if I haven’t by now.

Last night, I had another friend over and also consumed more wine than I should have as well as more cheese than I should have in such close proximity to hitting the hay.  I can’t consume alcohol or heavy food before bed, because my metabolism goes into overdrive and my core temperature skyrockets to the point that I wish I could crawl out of my own skin because of how hot I get.  How is it that a person can be sleeping in just their underwear, with NO covers on, when it’s only 45 degrees outside, and still wake up boiling hot?  It’s uncomfortable… I can tell you that much; and it greatly hindered my ability to get quality sleep last night, so I’ve been looking shitty all day.

I started this week with every intention of cooking and eating healthy, but that plan went down the toilet as soon as a tin of cookies arrived at my work desk, courtesy (cough *SABOTAGE* cough) of one of the service companies we use. That coupled with my alcohol intake and lack of sleep has me feeling rather unhealthy as I sit here typing this.

I started my week with a broiled salmon fillet, some mashed potatoes (<— not particularly healthy, but damn good), and steamed spinach and kale.

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The only nourishing thing I fed my body this week

For the Salmon:

  • Start with one or two large salmon fillets; make sure there are no bones before cooking (skin on is fine, as it will come off when cooked)
  • Heat the over to 375 degrees
  • Generously oil a baking sheet with some olive oil and place the salmon fillets skin-side-down on the baking sheet
  • Drizzle and brush more olive oil onto the tops of the fillets and squeeze fresh lemon juice over them
  • Sprinkle generously with salt, pepper, and granulated garlic
  • Cut another lemon into round slices, and place a couple of slices on top of each fillet
  • Bake for 15 minutes (give or take depending on the size and thickness of the fillet
  • Serve with a wedge of fresh lemon and sprinkle with fresh parsley
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Sashimi, anyone?

 

For the Mashed Potatoes:

  • Start with a sack of yellow or white potatoes, or use 3-4 large Yukon or Idaho potatoes; potatoes should be scrubbed thoroughly and cut into halves or quarters depending on their size
  • Boil the potatoes in a large pot of salted water until they are penetrable with the tines of a fork (usually 20 minutes of boiling)
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I like to use the baby potatoes when I make mashed potatoes, as they don’t need to be cut up or peeled.  I like to include the skin of the potato when I mash them, as it creates texture, flavor, and the skin is full of nutrients
  • After the potatoes are cooked through, reserve about 1/3 of a cup of the potato water (you can ladle it out into a measuring cup if needed)
  • Drain the potatoes (apart from about 1/3 of a cup of the potato water which you will mash them in)
  • Add a generous amount of butter (I’d say about 2 TBS.), salt and pepper, and granulated garlic and give them a good mashing
  • If they are to dry (which they really shouldn’t be if you added enough butter and left in enough water), feel free to add some cream or even a dollop of sour cream or creme fraiche
  • Make sure you taste test them to see if they need more seasoning!
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One of the ultimate comfort foods… you really can’t go wrong with some good mashed potatoes, unless of course you’ve f*cked them up and they aren’t good ;p 

I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed having slept for 10 hours straight. I want to go off on a political tangent right now about the state of the world, but no one needs that since we’re all inundated with tragic news 24/7 these days.  I guess when times are bad and it seems the entire world is falling apart, we have to make changes and make a difference where we can, and that means starting with ourselves (queue Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”).  I’ve been trying to be more conscious of my plastic use as well as my use of palm oil products (hello Nutella …. looking at you).  I can’t change the world or reverse climate change or animal extinction as a single person, but I can certainly do my part to help.